Season

A member of my family is dealing with metastatic cancer, stage 4. Chemo had to be halted as she deals with a systemic infection. 

I look at her precarious situation, and somehow it seems shocking because she is someone I know. Because she is a contemporary. Because we're still dealing with the ramifications of Tim's cancer. It's starting to sort out, but it has been a huge jolt in our marriage. Today we came home from the new house. We weren't doing a lot of talking. A lot of thinking though. 

I read Tim a text from my sister. I said, "It's just such a shocking thing." 

Tim said, "I know it. To think you needed to have your gall bladder out and then find out all of this..." 

I said, "Yeah..." 

I said, "Do you ever think about it? I do sometimes. I mean, someone is going to go first." 

He didn't answer. 

It's morbid, I know, and I feel an idiot, but it is where my head is at. 

But we cannot know the future, and I suppose that's a good thing. 

It's cold here today. After a high of 54 degrees, it is now 39. It is definitely fall. I discovered that when we are at the new house, we can hear the wind as it rushes past the house. For whatever reason, we don't hear that sound here in town, but we did when we lived in the woods, and I loved that sound...because it reminded a middle aged mother of being a child, laying snug and warm in my bed and listening to the wind howl during a winter storm. 

The years have flown by. I am a gray haired grandma now. The wind blows just as it always has, and for a moment, I allow myself to go back to a time when I was young enough that dying had not yet occurred to me. 

Goodness, what a state of mind! I shiver, and it is not from the cold. 

I grab the cat food, and the milk from the fridge and head down to the garage to feed the kittens. They are glad to see me and hungry, and dart around excitedly while I mix up their food. I give them an extra can of cat food, grateful to be able to do some small kindness in this cold season. 

This evening, I found another Christmas gift and placed my order. Winter is cold, but it does have its comforts.