Monday, October 16, 2023

The Decision.

 Well, Tim had an appointment this morning with his family doctor. She's really very good. She asked him why he was second guessing things. His concerns were discussed. She explained to him why his situatuation precluded most other treatments. She discussed life post treatment. She listened. He listened. I kept myself quiet for the most part, although I did have questions and I asked them too.

She had already put in a request for a second opinion from another urology practice. In a quiet, considering voice, Tim told her to cancel the request. She told him that she was submitting the preop paperwork to the surgeon, but assured him that if he had doubts, or changed his mind, it was not too late to do that. He said in that quiet voice, "No. We'll do the surgery." 

Walking out across the parking lot, he said, "At least I know for sure." 

What a mixed bag of emotions. I felt so very relieved. I felt ashamed of that relief. I also felt very sad for him.

30 comments:

  1. A relief that the decision is made. Now the next stage to get through. For both of you.

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  2. All I come up with is compassion at the hard choices, the doubt, the fear. I wish you both peace♥

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  3. This is scary, but Tim's hoping against hope was understandable as was your pragmatism. The last thing you need to be feeling is shame, Debby.

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  4. It certainly is a rollercoaster that nobody wants to ride.

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  5. You've been an excellent patient advocate; nothing to be ashamed of. And it sounds like that family doc is one to hold on to! Hubby isn't the first patient to want a second opinion and choose to accept the original plan. It's usually easier for non-family medical people to explain situations than family members. I've seen it happen amongst my nursing friends whose parents wouldn't accept what they told them, but if it was non-family nurse explaining the exact same thing to the parent-patient, they'd agree. It's an interesting phenomenon. Linda in Kansas

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  6. Tim has looked at all his options, asked questions and made an informed decision. He will go into surgery knowing that it is the best course of treatment. I am thinking of you both.

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  7. Tim's family doctor sounds very compassionate, caring, and good! You and Tim have definitely had a day of mixed emotions, and you, dear one, have nothing to feel ashamed of. Wishing you both peace and strength as you face this next chapter of your life together.

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  8. I can't add anything to what others have already said, except sending my little virtual voice in support of your being there as he explored what he wished for and the reality that he faces. Now living in that reality for you both is another opportunity to find more. More of whatever you all decide to look at, think about, share, feel, keep safe, give away...anything is alright!

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  9. Sounds like you have an excellent doctor there. Doctors who listen are the absolute best. And Tim was able to say and ask what he wanted to say and ask and I hope he is at peace now with the surgical decision.

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  10. Given the levels of stress, fear and shock that Tim (and you) must have gone through at diagnosis and how that prevents us absorbing information correctly and/or in its entirety, this latest appointment, when you've both had time to start to absorb the diagnosis to some degree, was likely to be a different experience... The wonderful thing is that you were able to allow Tim to have his own journey and understand things in his time... Even when what he was saying frightened you. That is magnificent and one of the hardest things to do... As well as one of the most loving and generous. Hang in there and K.B.O. Love Caroline xx

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  11. Believe me, I know what you and he are going through. You'll both come through it stronger, though.

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    1. And by the way, at least Tim knows what to expect. I wish my husband had known a little more before he went through this same exact journey. He has had so many people telling him he did the wrong thing. I just remind him that he is still alive and able to enjoy life.

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  12. She sounds like a good doc. It also sounds like they had an honest and frank conversation, not easy. I've had conversations like that with patients and it breaks my heart when I have to tell them why things won't work. It's good he asked and made a decision. Sending hugs.

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  13. There is no reason for you to feel shame, this is hard, and it affects both of you. I wish you both the best.

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  14. Hugs for you both. Hard decision, but now I hope Tim is comfortable with his choice.

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  15. Cancer puts you on a roller coaster. For Tim it was hard to make a decision.

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  16. Two brothers and a nephew had prostrate cancer. 2 were in their 70s one in his 60s. It wasn’t easy but they all got through it. They had post operative treatment. Their wives struggled right along with them.The brothers lived into their late 80s and died from other illnesses. The nephew is fine and leading an active healthy life at 76. Blessings to you and your husband. Treatment is probably more improved than it was then.

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  17. A difficult time for everyone involved. Your doctor sounds like a good 'un.

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  18. What a sensible Doctor you have and I am glad that she explained everything for Tim (and you) so he had a thorough take on it all. Scary times ahead for a while, but it has to be done.

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  19. Well done, Debby, for letting Tim question things and find his own way to making tough decisions. As hard as this is for you, it's still his body and his health and he gets the final say in what happens. So much is out of a person's control when they have cancer, you know? Hopefully now Tim will be able to move forward with his treatment with a slightly easier mind.

    Please don't forget to take care of yourself, too.

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  20. There is probably some relief in settling the question, even if it's not the solution he'd hoped for. I'm sure it helped for the doctor to explain things to him again.

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  21. It's a hard situation, but you got the facts. It's not a fun thing. All the best to you guys.

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  22. For most of the life we live, we can figure out the bumps and road blocks that come along. When we can't see around the corner, it can be maddening. We have to lean on the experts and others who've gone before us. It doesn't feel good, the not knowing. Sending you both good vibes and hopes that you continue to do all the self care things you do.

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  23. You will work through this together just like you do with your projects. I'm glad the doctor was supportive and took the time to assure you both. It's good to get on with it so you can put it behind you. Wishing you both the best.

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  24. Thanks, everyone. To me, the decision was a no brainer. I wanted him to do what gave him the best chance of surviving in the long term. It was more complicated for him. I know that he was/is struggling. I felt like we'd reached a big turning point when I said, "Tim, can we agree that the most important thing is that you live." There was a much longer hesitation than I expected before the answer finally came in the dark. "Yes."

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    1. Debbie- I’m so relieved for you both. I’m glad Tim felt heard, but ultimately decided to go ahead with the surgery- of course you were relieved- like you said: the most important thing is that he lives❤️Here’s to many, many more beautiful years for you together! Xo, Ricki

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  25. I see no reason you should be ashamed of your relief. I'm glad it's settled. Now to move forward with a positive attitude.

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  26. Good. That sounds like a good doctor. Well done all of you...now onwards and upwards, and wishing you all success dealing with this problem xx

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  27. Hi Debby, I got so confused. When I came onto your website earlier, I thought you were another Debby because the whole look of your website was different.

    I'm really glad you have a good doctor who listens to Tim and your concerns. It was a hard decision. I'm keeping you both in my heart as you go through this ordeal.

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I'm glad you're here!

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