It was hard to watch, and she never forgave me for telling her that I couldn't join her at the Chinese All You Can Eat Buffet. I really paid close attention to my wording. I didn't want to hurt her feelings, and I wasn't trying to be mean. I just felt that she was lonely after the death of my father, and that she was 'eating her grief', so to speak.
Yet here I am. 66 years old, due to turn 67 in a few short months. My mother was less than 7 years older than me when she died. 7 years! A sobering thing, Especially in light of the fact that as I've gotten older, the pounds have begun to creep up on me AND I have a bad knee.
My bad knee is the result of a yoga stretch maybe 10 years back. I felt the tiniest of a tiny 'pop', and when I rolled up my mat to leave, my knee felt strangely wobbly. There was no pain. Not then anyway. That came later, and lo, it has remained with me all these years.
I've been trying hard to delay doing anything until we get Tim's medical bills from his 'terrible horrible no-good very bad year' paid off. He is still having therapy, so there are still bills, but yesterday, for the first time, working at the new build, I had to acknowledge to myself that my knee might not wait.
I've been thinking a lot about 7 years. I don't consider myself superstitious, but I can't think of my mother without a little shiver. 7 years is not a lot and as I get older, the years seem to be flying by even more quickly.
I made up my mind that my mother's ending is not my ending. I made a resolution at the beginning of the year, and I have stuck to it. I've lost 8 pounds so far, and that is gratifying.
I remember when my children were small. They loved 'choose your own ending books', the books that stopped, allowing the reader to make a decision on what to do next. The decision would prompt them to a new page, and they would continue on from there. They read those books over and over, making different decisions every time.
I plod determinedly on, making different decisions, hopeful that it is not too late for me to choose my own ending.
Eight pounds is no small thing, but I'm very sorry for your knee Debby and I hope you can get that looked at soon. Y'know, reading about your mom... my mom was very heavy too, but when my dad passed in 2001 (he was only 63) from cancer, she was determined to get in shape--and boy did she. In 2 years she lost 75 lbs. But right when she was feeling her best in years, she got diagnosed with the big C too and was gone within a year, at 64. Sorry for sharing my own gloom, just saying that we're in our sixties and ARE at that age where you don't feel or look super old, but things can happen fast.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on taking the weight off!!! Huge benefits for every part of your body and your life, both quality and quantity ! And if it’s at all reassuring, a lifetime of morbid obesity is inevitably harder on that body and lifespan than creeping weight gain as we age, so you aren’t necessarily doomed to become your mom, especially if you continue to take care of yourself!
ReplyDeleteThe human knee was just not properly designed for its purpose!! Have you had physical therapy for it (from a good provider)? For many knee injuries, it’s frequently more effective and less risky than surgery. Good luck!
I need to lose weight but it always comes back when I do.
ReplyDeleteMy Mum died at only 73 - I shall be 69 in a couple of months - frightening
Your decisions on health are spot on! Weight loss will be very helpful to your knees and joints. Staying active as you do is outstanding for your health too. Knee surgery is quite advanced. A friend recently had robotic knee surgery and her recovery was weeks, not months. Not all practices offer this but if I needed knee surgery, this is where I would go. My friend said the robot is guided by the surgeon and the precision and accuracy is outstanding. Small incisions are chosen over larger ones whenever possible and this hastens healing. Medical science is wonderful.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear about the knee. I know so many people here with dodgy knees that I think Anonymous is right... a real design fault!
ReplyDeleteThe weight loss should help though. Several years back I managed to lose over 2 stones (around 28 lbs?) which has mostly stayed off. I just need to watch what I eat sometimes.
My lovely dad died aged 72 from cancer but mum is still going at age 88. Why do the wicked live longer than the good?
You're doing the right things. Don't let your knee trouble you for too long. Knee surgery is so much better than it was and constant pain is very wearing.Sometimes the good live long!
ReplyDeleteMy mother died suddenly at age 45 when I was 7 months along with my first born. She had never been healthy and those of us who were close to her secretly thought she was a hyperchrondiac with all her complaining. Turned out she had only one low functioning kidney and one totally useless atrophied one. No wonder she never felt good.
ReplyDeleteBut in the southern Illinois area she lived, doctors were few and far between and probably not up to date on their training. She relied on a chiropractor to make her feel briefly feel better until emergency surgery for an unrelated illness caused her death as the one kidney could not handle the strain. When I approached my 45th birthday I felt her spirit ominously peeking over my shoulder, but thankfully, I have genetically inherited the good healthy genes from my paternal side of the family and though I do have some health problems (I tell people the engine is running really well, but the chassis is going to pieces) I have reached the age of almost 83 with no health problems but bulging discs, stenosis and arthritis of the spine. Physical therapy and somewhat reduced physical activity keep me going. I feel lucky. With all your climbing up and down ladders and lifting stuff you should not probably be lifting, your poor knee probably needs a little tender loving care right now. DO IT.
I have had both knees replaced (2009 and 2015) due to the ole bone on bone situation! Quite painful! Recovery was quick with physical therapy and me doing my part to be up and walking again!
ReplyDeleteThe surgery is worth it unless you can stand the pain of not having the surgery!
Marcia in Colorado
You are doing exactly the right thing. I needed to read this- I need motivation badly.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Ms. Moon. I need motivation. Thanks for this Debby. You and I are the same age. My mother was 83 when she died but she was in poor physical from her 50s on and was lost in the confusion of Alzheimer's/Dementia for many years before her death. I know what you mean about choosing your own ending. Great post! Jackie
ReplyDeleteMy mum is 85 and takes no medication, but my dad had a fatal heart attack aged 55, 3 days before my 30th birthday when I was 15 weeks pregnant with my younger daughter. Aged 43 I laid hooked up to monitors on a coronary care unit wondering if I would see 44. I lost weight, I regained it, and then some more. I became ill and nobody could tell me what was wrong. Because I was fat they didn't take me seriously, so I lost 98 pounds hoping it would make them listen. After several years I was finally diagnosed with ME/CFS, but last year, at the age of 58 I was also diagnosed with an eating disorder that I'm trying to recover from. I've passed the age my dad reached, and hope to get better so that I live as long as I can, as well as I can.
ReplyDeleteNumbers can be scary....well done on losing 8 pounds..I need to follow your example to get my health back...5 pounds done so far...I am 70, dad went at 74 to cancer for the second time, mother to vascular dementia at 83..I echo Jaycee's comment....
ReplyDeleteMany of my family carried on to their 90s...so IAM working on it!
Please don’t put off having someone look at your knee! Husband story: needed a knee replacement for…probably 30 years but always found a reason to put it off. Now he’s ready to do it but has heart failure and it’s no longer safe for him. His heart is doing fine, but his leg has and is causing so many mobility issues. Please don’t do this to yourself!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI've already outlived my father but I don't think I will reach my mother's age when she died, 89.
ReplyDeleteJust as an aside, here you might wait for nearly a year for non urgent knee surgery, which is hardly ideal if you are in pain. But there won't be a direct cost to you. 8 lb is what...3.6kg. That's pretty good.
Keep up diet and exercises that are comfortable to do. I imagine some cardio work might be hard to do with knee pain, but it's good for you if possible. So glad you're addressing the weight head-on. I'm hovering in a place where I don't seem to be moving much, but am determined to go lower still and be more active. I'm 81 and way past the ages of my parents and most grandparents when they died. One grandfather made it to 82 years, and lived through some really extreme circumstances with a joyful outlook.
ReplyDeleteAll we can do is try, try and keep trying, which you are doing, but we can't control everything.
ReplyDeleteI started to watch "The Whale" last night but did watch the whole thing. The acting was good but I've seen too many people die of hypertension and congestive heart failure, to not know how the movie would end. The character also ate his grief after his boyfriend killed himself, no different than drinking yourself to death. Your poor mum.
ReplyDeleteWe can choose our own endings, to a degree I think. You are not your mother.
I meant to type, I did not watch the whole movie. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteI refuse to compare my age to the ages of my parents. My health care and health care providers far exceed either of theirs, and not because they didn't have doctors, but because in the twenty five plus years since they are gone, medicine has advanced.
ReplyDeleteIf at all possible don't let that knee go too long. Congrats on the 8 lbs, it comes off harder than it goes on. Keep at it!!
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard to see loved ones not take care of their health and then losing them. I'm glad you're doing all you can to try to stay healthy. I'm not as good as Art. I should be exercising more. You're giving me the impetus to try. My mom, on the other hand has worked at keeping healthy her whole life and is 95. I really don't think I'll be able to be as healthy as she is. On the other hand, she is struggling with dementia so a long life is wonderful, but if I'm going to lose more of my memory than I already am... gooosh...
ReplyDeleteWe can all choose our own ending but very few do. We prefer to blame genetics, life, stress - anything but take responsibility. I guess in that sense those do choose their ending but not the one they would like.
ReplyDeleteGood on you for recognising and doing something about it. Your ending will be amazing.
Great job on the weight loss. Good for you! I would see the doctor about the knee. Maybe you can hold off on surgery and he can give you some pointers.
ReplyDeleteWe are in the same boat, Debby, so let's row it together! I got my surgery scheduled for Oct. 2, and am actually excited about it because I am so tired of being limited in what I can do. I am in really good health other than the knee, arthritis here and there, and weight. So this is a good time to get it done before anything breaks, lol! My husband had both done, one in 2018, the other in 2019, so I know the drill. Although I very doubt he will give me the care I gave him, lol! Mom died at 77 after years of heart and weight problems ..and 13 children. Dad was 84. Somehow I think that, if I continue as I am, I should outlive them both, as they both had many issues by the time they were my age (72).
ReplyDeleteI can't say that I am eating to lose weight, but if I had always eaten like I am now, I wouldn't be overweight.
ReplyDeleteI am so lucky that I live in Canada. I had both knees replaced so long ago that I can’t remember the year. Mine were bone on bone the result of being a marathon runner I think. Before they were done I just couldn’t walk and I gained 90 pounds even though I was eating the same. I have never been able to lose more than about 10 pounds of it. For me it all comes down to exercise but now I have breathing issues so I just eat less and carry on. I am close to 83 now, but getting those knees fixed was the best. You must do all the exercises after surgery to get the best result and it does hurt but so worth it. My mother died at 82 but she died from taking an overdose of cough medicine and autopsy said she was otherwise healthy and should have lived another 10 years. I have no idea of the cost of knee surgery as we don’t get any bill for it. Gigi
ReplyDeleteOh n my gosh, I could have written this. 1 1/2 years ago I was diagnosed pre diabetic which scared the neck out of me and I lost 35 lbs. No longer terrified I have gained back 5, sigh. And I still need to lose more than that.
ReplyDeleteHope you can get your knee taken care of. You certainly get a lot of physical work done for a woman with a bad knee! Take care, Debby!
ReplyDeleteI have to say after having my second knee replaced two weeks ago, that life is going to be so much better! Two knees in five months and not even close to the same after affects. Saying that they are both one hundred percent better! I hope you find an amazing surgeon and have great after surgery care (my husband- even if he can't cook!) i do enjoy your blog so much and the journeys of everyday life. Take care.
ReplyDeleteI too am trying to lose weight as my right knee and hip are complaining but try to keep going with all my garden/housework/granddaughter activities and know that losing weight will help. I will be 71 tomorrow and have already lived past the age my Mum was -47. She died from a stroke after years of high blood pressure but she was never well. Dad died 2 years ago aged 92, so I hope I have his genes. Hugs Xx
ReplyDeleteWhat an enjoyable entry, Mary.
ReplyDeleteI'm said to look and move ("efficient movements, like Edna," said my mom's best friend who was, like your mom, morbidly obese and bedbound in her last years) just like my paternal grandmother, who died when she was 47 and I was 6. So you will relate when I say that as I approached my 47th birthday, I couldn't help thinking of her ... and wondering. It was a relief to get past that day, that year, and I've gone on 18 more and in perfect health except for what I call "the neck thing" -- which is recurring but nothing, really, in comparison to the chronic problems some have!
My friend swears she has seen a particular "home remedy" heal bad knees so that they no longer require surgery. All it requires is cabbage and honey. It sounds ridiculous (if that's all it takes, why is everyone and their dog getting knee replacements these days?!), but if it doesn't work, one's lost only the price of a cabbage and some honey. If I can find the recipe and treatment somewhere on my computer, I'll post it on my blog. Try anything once, I say.
Both of my parents died 50+/- years ago, so I've long passed the age at which they each died. Now I'm working on beating my sister's expiration date.
ReplyDeleteIt seems to me that the older we get, the more we think about our parents. Recently I celebrated my 3/4 of a century birthday recently, while that is a daunting accomplishment, I think of my mother who lived on her own and died at age 93. She had health issues toward the end of her life, which thankfully I have not inherited. Congrats on your weight loss, and it may help your knee.
ReplyDeleteI "popped" my knee the summer before turning 19, right before I started college. I had surgery, which was a failure, and suffered with it into my mid 20's when I had another more successful one. Still I suffered after effects well into my late 30's before I finally discovered the secret. I had to stop working job requiring me to walk or stand on concrete for 8 hours a day. Now in my 50's, my knee feels better than it has since that after the initial incident at 18.
ReplyDeleteSo there is hope. Technology changes all the time to improve outcomes that weren't so guaranteed 20 or 30 years ago.
As you know Debby, u shake the pom poms for knee replacements. I also finger wag about getting it done before the rest of the body starts grumbling in protest. Both of my parents are still going at over 80 with variable levels of health despite the lack of good medical care.
ReplyDelete