Last night, Tim's decision not to have surgery knocked me sideways. I can understand it, I guess. Virtually everyone knows someone who has prostate cancer and has lived with it for years, no treatment, just regular checkups to insure that nothing has changed. Tim seized on to that.
Getting all blubby, I said, "Tim. Didn't you hear what the doctor said? He made that clear. He said that many people who have prostate cancer don't need treatment, but he said, flat out, that your cancer was not that kind of cancer."
Tim looked at me with a strange look on his face. "I don't remember that," he said.
I began to get the idea that Tim's still face in the doctor's office was plain shock. Nothing the doctor said had registered. He had not expected to hear this diagnosis, and when he did, he was the one knocked sideways.
So we talked. He asked a couple questions. At bedtime, he'd thought of another question. "I don't know," I said, but I got up and got my phone. We read about it.
This morning, we talked about the practicalities. We're in the middle of a new build. We've got a renovation. What do we tell the kids? What does he NOT want people to know? We all made a collective decision to hold off telling William until all the facts are in. It is not fair to leave him with questions that we do not yet have answers to.
Tasker said it best: "It is surprising what you can learn to live with."
True story.
Tim headed out to check on his roof. I let him, because I knew that it was important to him to do that. I know that he will not want me hovering and fussing. Tomorrow he is going to Eastern States to pick up stuff for the new build. Let him. He's not having surgery for a couple months. Let him continue on with his normal activities. November will come, and things will change then, and that's okay, because after that, well...We both know that 79% of men are cancer free 10 years after completing the treatment.
The worries of the day are sufficient. We will worry about winter when winter gets here.
I missed that yesterday, as Tim did at the doctor's surgery. That makes it a very different story.
ReplyDeleteYou've had your own struggles to deal with, Andrew. Sending my best thoughts your way.
DeleteProbably a good plan. Even for folks that are not forgetful like Tim, many folks need to hear and re-read the diagnosis and options several times before it sinks in. If he tends to forget plans and dates, maybe waiting until the week prior to surgery is best, or whenever the doc says to start pre-surgery procedures. By watching you, William and your kids will eventually learn how to handle such a challenge, especially with forgetfulness on top of it. The sooner they know, and learn as you acquire information from the doctor, (not Dr. Google,) the better they may be helpful and know that they should spend a little more time with you both. To wait kind of takes that opportunity away from them. Linda in Kansas
ReplyDeleteYou know, Linda, when I had cancer all those years ago now, I felt like the most important thing was for my kids to see courage and matter-of-fact approach to dealing with the hand you are dealt. The kids all know about the cancer. Any questions asked are answered. There just are things that Tim will have to deal with post surgery that are a struggle to him on a personal level, and there is no reason for anyone else to know those things. Those things will remain between Tim and I.
DeleteI didn't see your horrible news yesterday Debby. But I do hope everything will work out for the better and all the decisions you and Tim take will be wise ones. All though telling you to be wise is not needed I find you very clever in the day to day running of your household ;) xxx
ReplyDeleteWe're pretty practical, both of us.
DeleteIt is a demonstration of the necessity for someone else to be there in the doctor's consulting room when such important news is delivered. The most important part that hit you straight away completely went over Tim's head.
ReplyDeleteI've never seen that happen before, and it was a huge surprise to realize.
DeleteThank heavens you were with him, as clearly he was in such shock he didn't take it all in. I liked your stoical comment about dealing with winter when winter's here. I will remember that and apply it here too.
ReplyDeleteYou know, I think of you often, and not just for your mischievious kittens.
DeleteJust caught up with yesterday’s news. Very sorry to hear it but these days there are wonderful treatments out there. What ever decision you both make will be the right one for you. Sending hugs.
ReplyDeleteMedine has advanced a great deal in the first part of the 21st century.
DeleteIt's a good thing that that you were both present to hear the news.
ReplyDeleteIt was. Since Tim's stroke, he processes things more slowly. I can see that. I certainly never expected that he was sitting there like a deer in the headlights, frozen and not processing anything at all.
DeleteOne day at a time. That's the best way.
ReplyDeleteIt is. Thank you for responding to my e-mail. We had a discussion last night. It was a hard one, but it was the right thing to do.
DeleteI knew you would do the right thing.
DeleteI missed yesterday's post and many comments. In 1997 I was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer and operated upon. Some cancer cells had already escaped. Since then I have lived a full life and had some of the happiest days of my life when I lived half in Scotland and half in New Zealand for 9 years. I am still being treated daily for the cancer which keep returning every now and then but advances in treatment have so far kept ahead of my cancer returns. I would urge Tim to have the operation and carry on. If nothing else the it is always better for the cancer to be out than in. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteOver 20 years later you're still here. There's hope!
DeleteThis is the sort of outcome we are hoping for, Graham. Thank you for those words. Life will be different, but it will be good.
DeleteJayCee and Bovey Belle are right - be there. It becomes your main/only topic of conversation before something like normality slowly returns.
ReplyDeleteOne of the things that was brought up in 'the night of long talking' is that we've got a little over two months of 'business as usual'. We are planning to take advantage of that time.
DeleteMaybe only tell William when Tim is sure he will have the surgery and only that Tim is going to have an operation. No need to upset him with all the details.
ReplyDeleteThe decision not to have the surgery was a knee jerk response. Once he understood that removing the cancer was the only way to keep it from spreading, he took a big breath and accepted it.
DeleteI like Graham's comment - practical advice from someone who knows. Good to keep busy as you wait to see what is next.
ReplyDeleteThat response will be read to Tim. I am sure that it will be terribly encouraging.
DeleteAgreeing with Graham too.
ReplyDeleteI would be more open with William, and all the family...and friends as well. People must learn that it is a common thing, and to be talked about normally, matter of factly. Not to be mentioned in hushed tones "The Big C" or "something Sinister".
The more it is mentioned normally, the more people will get checked earlier and outcomes will be better all round..and cost less to treat as well.
Statistically here, I don't know USA stats, one in every two people will get some sort of cancer. So talk is needed
Tim is really having a tough time with some of the side effects. He's always been a shy person. There are things that are between us that are not anyone else's business. They have no need to know. I am surprised that he saw his brother. Immediately, he urged him to be checked. His brother said, dismissively, that he had a friend who gets his PSA checked yearly. When it gets high, he gets a shot to bring it down. 'It's nothing.' Tim told me later. He was incredulous.
DeleteWilliam is starting school in a week. Tim is a very big figure in his life. Things will be explained in detail then, after we know whether the cancer has spread. The outcomes are so disparate.
It's so odd what our brains will allow us to hear and what they won't.
ReplyDeleteWith your help, Tim will deal with this the way Tim will deal with it. It is entirely up to him as to who he shares this information with and who he doesn't but gz makes some very good points.
gz is one of my role models.
DeleteIn a way, I think Tim's handling things the best way by continuing to live his life. I on the other hand would probably just shut down for a few weeks which isn't very productive. The statistics sound promising for that type of cancer.
ReplyDeleteWe have every reason to be hopeful, and we are.
DeleteI agree with gz ... be open and honest about what Tim and you are going through and dealing with! That way, whatever comes about won't be a big surprise to anyone!
ReplyDeleteWe're open about the cancer.
DeleteLots of good advice. Read your blog regularly and wish you and Tim the best of everything. When my advanced cancer was found, over twenty years clear now, I found I didn't mind people knowing, but I didn't want to talk about it at all. My sister would relay to everyone else... reassuring a child is different though. Everything is horses for courses and what you both feel comfortable with...
ReplyDeleteWith love Caro xxx
Something I discovered when I had cancer is that there are people who are genuinely curious and then there are those who are morbidly curious. They ask impertinant and personal questions and they are also the ones to tell the world things that you'd rather the world not know. It's important to know the difference. It's tough when you've got one of those in your family circle.
DeleteI like the 20 years past thing.
Your common sense and groundedness are impressive. I am so glad you were able to hear the doctor and help Tim understand. Keeping you both in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteWe've dealt with hard times before. That's what I keep telling myself anyway.
DeleteOf course you know William (and his maturity level) better than anyone else, but don't keep anything from him that you think he can handle. My father died when I was 11 and I wasn't told much of anything regarding his illness. I should have been. I could write a book about it, but will spare you.
ReplyDeleteWhen we have a clearer prognosis, he will get the news. To say that grandpa has cancer will be immediately followed up with, "Is Grandpa going to die?" Telling him that we don't know right now seems to us to be anxiety producing. When we know whether the cancer has spread or not, we can answer that question a bit more honestly.
DeleteHaving several friends who have lived with prostate cancer (including the aggressive varieties), I applaud Tim's decision to have surgery; as one of your other commenters said "better out than in." I also know that there are unpleasant side effects that do affect and change your life; that said, the key word is LIFE. There is so much you can't predict right now so taking one day at a time and as normally as possible does sound like your best course. I'm thinking of you. xoxo
ReplyDeleteIt was just an emotional response on his part, which came as a shock. He is not normally an emotional man.
DeleteThe first time I saw this response, I was a young nurse and I didn't understand it. My patient had been told he had cancer and nothing. Now I get it. People stop listening. They're brains are protecting them. I'm glad you were there too, to listen, and glad he's decided to have surgery.
ReplyDeleteSending hugs.
That was a response I never would have attributed to Tim.
DeleteAs an ex oncology nurse I have seen this so many times. I wish doctors would encourage recording the consultation when news like this is delivered or, at the very least, provide written information specific to the diagnosis and prognosis. I am glad Tim is having surgery.
ReplyDeleteAt the risk of overstepping the mark, I would also suggest letting William know what is going on. He is a smart kid and will pick up something is up. He may also later wonder why you didn't tell him at the time. He will cope with your support and may actually be a huge help to Tim. Just my two bob's worth and I shall shut up now!
I think that's a very sensible approach. It really is one day at a time. I'm sure you've thought of this but it would be a good idea for both of you to talk with his doctor again about what he found and the options, so Tim can hear it all without being "in shock."
ReplyDelete