I don't know if everyone is like this or whether I'm some sort of weirdo, but the fact is that I judge myself quite harshly. I don't forgive myself. It's something that I know is not right. I find myself contemplating the fact that I would never speak to a human being the way that I speak to myself.
But...
...it's how I am.
Today, I read that the woman who falsely accused 14 year old Emmett Till of making improper advances to her died.
Read here: https://www.yahoo.com/news/carolyn-bryant-donham-center-emmett-163317808.html
She was 88.
When she was 72, she admitted that she had fabricated her story.
Read here: https://www.essence.com/news/woman-testified-emmett-till-case-lied/
I sit here in the dark, a woman who doesn't forgive herself for anything, and I wonder about Carolyn Donham. How do you live with a lie like that for 50 years? How do you live with a truth like that for another 16?
I cannot imagine that she had a happy life.
Tim got a call from Lowe's today. They claim the machine that blows in insulation is fixed. I guess we'll find out tomorrow whether or not that's true.
late edit: Nope. The machine was NOT fixed, but we got the job done anyway.
Also, there is an unpublished autobiography of Carolyn Donham. I have enclosed the link: https://newsone.com/4372129/carolyn-bryant-donham-memoir/
I cannot imagine how she lived with that.
ReplyDeleteI am like you. I don't believe in myself.
Hope the machine works
I believe in myself. I just somehow fall into the habit of thinking everything is my fault.
DeleteI believe in my cake making abilities . . . that counts for something! I certainly believe in my research abilities - still using those to good effect in Family History. As for patience and not-putting-off-till-tomorrow - well, they certainly need polishing a bit - not, let's be honest, a LOT.
ReplyDeleteHow did that woman live with herself? For heaven's sake, what's wrong with a wolf whistle anyway - I used to get lots of those, being well endowed in the chest area. I wouldn't have made a fuss about it in the first place. Let alone caused another innocent person's hideous death.
The wolf whistle was not what killed Emmett Till. It was the thought of a black man not knowing his 'place' during the awful days of Jim Crow. What I found interesting is that her story went from a wolf whistle to a whole different testimony during the trial. He was a 14 year old boy. A half grown child. Not one person was ever punished for his murder.
DeleteI also wonder how she lived with the guilt of what she caused. I'm not sure I could have, to be honest.
ReplyDeleteI know that I could not have.
DeleteI thought that same thing when I saw the news report yesterday. She was 21 when it happened. She was 88 when she died. How do you live with the lie and the horrific tragedy that the lie caused for 67 years. I just cannot image.
ReplyDeleteTimothy Tyson's interview with her was kind of mind boggling really. She seems to have been able to compartmentalized the event. She says that there was nothing she could have done to save his life.
DeleteI mean, I'm not trying to judge her, but portraying herself as helpless in the situation was kind of sickening to me considering the helplessness of a 14 year old boy being beaten to death by a group of grown men.
And I know that sounds judgemental.
And I know that this sounds
I have a foreman of negative thoughts in my head a lot of the time.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if it is the same foreman at work in MY head?
DeleteGuilt and shame are my default emotions.
ReplyDeleteAnd how DID that woman live with herself all those years? If she wasn't tortured about it every second she was a psychopath.
I didn't think about it, but yes. Psychopath. That would explain it.
DeleteI read about that too and was pondering on it as well. I have done a lot of things I am not proud of but none of them are remotely close to that scale and very few probably affect anyone but myself.
ReplyDeleteI have always been quick to forgive others and myself. Things happen, we all have bad days and we say/do things we shouldn't. I find it much easier to just forgive and move on rather than mull on it endlessly letting it eat me up from the inside out.
THat seems a reasonable way to live.
DeleteI don't know how she lived with it.
ReplyDeleteI just really can't imagine. Reading further, there's evidence that she was actually in the car and identified the boy. She had a autobiography "I Am More Than A Wolf Whistle". There are a number of things that seem self serving and a bit less than honest.
DeleteSounds like a form of imposter syndrome.
ReplyDeleteI was trying to apply 'imposter syndrome' to Carolyn Donham and couldn't wrap my head around it. Then I realized that you probably meant me. Ah, Tasker! I am not a bright woman sometimes.
DeletePonder for a moment, the mindset that would enable someone to live 67 years knowing full well what her lies resulted in. I will never be able to get my head around that.............
ReplyDeleteI think that it is interesting that she had a unpublished autobiography. I have added it above as a late edit. It is very telling. She spins quite a tragic tale of her victimization.
DeleteIf you've ever watched a crime show on psychopaths and their indifference to any life no matter the age you realize that some people live with quite contentedly without a conscience at all, unfortunately.
ReplyDeleteYou are right.
DeleteI guess if you are a horrible human being then you can live with just about anything. It is just unfortunate that an innocent young man suffered for it. Take care, Debby.
ReplyDeleteI just find it interesting that her choices did not 'mark' her life. It would have destroyed me.
DeleteWhen I read about her death my first thought was good riddance’… I’m feeling just a tiny bit guilty about that! I just can’t imagine how you could live comfortably with that on your shoulders l! I’m also my own worst critic, but I would never talk to anyone else as I talk to myself 🤷♀️Best wishes with the machinery! ~Ricki
ReplyDeleteIsn't it strange that we both see the incongruousness of that...but we still do it?
DeleteI remember trying to make my granddaughter and some sleep over friends understand the horror of that little boy's life. I took them to see a play about Billie Holiday, and Jim Crow laws effect on her. They paid lip service to the evening, but were more interested in their lives. Even ten years later my granddaughter does not grasp the horror, the guilt. Maybe they need children of their own. Nothing so awful has happened to a friend. They have no point of reference.
ReplyDeleteI was raised in a racist home. I never understood the wrongness of that until I was grown. My father used to say the most grotesque things in front of my children. If I asked him not to, he reminded me that it was his house. It was. Our visits became less and less frequent. He didn't care.
DeleteThat is so sad on all sides
DeleteWell, my children learned a powerful lesson. Not a racist among them.
DeleteI am slowly learning to ask myself if I would speak to anyone else the way I speak to myself.
ReplyDeleteI fear the arrogance of being white in the 50s lasted all through that woman's life.
I think you are right. I think she never quite saw that boy as a human being.
ReplyDeleteI don't know she could live with herself
ReplyDeleteAnd yet she did.
ReplyDeleteWe lived in Mississippi, As we were unloading the truck my husband and friend wanted sometho and it was a real shock for us after living in Ohio. As we were unloading my husband and friend were hungry. I decided to go to the store for some quick food. When I got into the little town the first red light there was about ten KKK men dressed in their white from the tall hats to the ground. This scared me so much I almost run the light. My window was open, no air and 90 degrees. so, arms were coming in to offer me book and ask for money to help the cause. My kids were shocked that the teachers used the N word. It was quite an eye opener for all of us. We moved to Florida a year later. We did make some good friends.
ReplyDeleteI grew up that way. It wouldn't have shocked me then. It surely is disappointing to see prejudice rearing its ugly head again.
ReplyDeleteI remember reading about this when the movie about Emmett Till came out and his horrific death. That lie was so big and so awful, that I imagine telling the truth became impossible. I can't imagine living with that lie and it's consequences for the rest of my life.
ReplyDeleteI've become much kinder to myself as I've gotten older, less judgemental and more forgiving. I've made some big mistakes but when I knew better, I did better.
Yes. I have tried to view things through the same lens.
ReplyDeleteI think the fact that Carolyn Donham was able to make up that story in the first place (or tell it, if she was prompted by others) explains how she was also able to live with it. Both acts require a certain mindset.
ReplyDeleteI just don't understand people like that... but they're definitely out there.
ReplyDelete