OH CANADA!

 

BREAKING NEWS OUT OF CANADA --

OTTAWA — Canadian officials held an emergency press conference Sunday after Prime Minister Mark Carney accidentally revealed the existence of what he called “The Moose Accord,” a decades-old contingency plan designed to weaponize Canada’s natural politeness in the event of foreign aggression, trade disputes, or Americans “getting a little too confident.”

The briefing, held in a curling rink “for acoustic reasons,” began normally before Carney paused, sighed, and said, “Alright. We’re being nice about this too much. Release the moose.”

According to newly declassified documents stamped SORRY / TOP SECRET, Canada has spent the last 70 years selectively breeding a special class of hyper-intelligent moose capable of navigating terrain, bureaucracy, and social situations Americans find “confusing and upsetting.” These animals—known internally as Strategic Ungulates—are trained to disrupt hostile nations by standing calmly in the middle of highways, border crossings, and Home Depot parking lots until morale collapses.

“These are not normal moose,” said one defense analyst while nervously adjusting his toque indoors. “They understand traffic patterns. They wait for eye contact. And if provoked, they will simply stare at you until you apologize to them.”

The plan was reportedly activated after U.S. intelligence flagged unusual Canadian troop movements near the border, later identified as a “totally chill winter camping situation” involving 40,000 parkas, 12,000 thermoses, and one guy named Doug who brought a propane grill “just in case.”

American confusion deepened when satellite imagery showed Canada deploying what appeared to be mobile Tim Hortons units along key routes. Officials now confirm these are Tactical Drive-Thrus, capable of feeding and caffeinating entire battalions in under four minutes.

“Once Americans smell fresh coffee and hear someone say ‘no rush, take your time,’ resistance drops immediately,” said a senior NATO official. “Frankly, it’s devastating.”

The most alarming revelation, however, was Canada’s rumored control of the Polar Vortex Dial, a weather manipulation device hidden somewhere “north of where maps stop being helpful.” When asked whether Canada could selectively aim winter at specific regions, Carney shrugged.

“Look, we don’t like to use it,” he said. “But if someone starts talking annexation again, suddenly their truck won’t start and their driveway becomes a philosophical challenge.”

U.S. officials reportedly panicked after intercepted communications suggested Canada could deploy Weaponized Apologies, a psychological tactic involving excessive politeness delivered with surgical precision.

“They keep saying ‘sorry’ but in a way that makes you feel like you messed up geopolitically,” said one Pentagon source. “It’s disorienting. I’ve written three apology emails to Ontario and I don’t know why.”

The situation escalated further when Canada unveiled its final deterrent: Hockey Night Protocol—a nationwide ability to drop everything, unify instantly, and become extremely serious about something that technically doesn’t matter but absolutely does.

“If it comes to it,” one official warned, “we’ll turn the Stanley Cup into a roaming symbol of unity and mild menace. You’ll hear the anthem. You won’t know the words. We’ll know you don’t know them. That’s when it’s over.”

The NHL declined to comment, though sources confirm the Cup has been reinforced with “emotional significance and light intimidation.”

As the press conference ended, Carney reassured the world that Canada seeks peace, friendship, and mutual respect—adding only that “we’re very patient, very polite, and extremely prepared to wait you out.”

Analysts say the revelation confirms what many have long suspected: Canada is not aggressive, not expansionist, and not interested in conflict—but if pushed, it will respond calmly, efficiently, and with winter that lasts one month longer than you’re emotionally prepared for.