I am different.
It is something that I've always known about myself. I've never understood why exactly, and it has not been because I haven't spent a lifetime trying to figure me out. I have, but at 67, I still haven't figured me out.
I read my news on line and that reading laps over to a lot of different publications. The other day, I saw this.
I was a lonely kid. When we were growing up, there were four of us, and we rarely went places. We lived on an isolated road with no other children. Indeed, at the time, there were few year around residences. Most of the houses were summer camps. We didn't go to town. My parents did the grocery shopping. When we needed clothes, my parents went to town and bought them for us. We didn't pick them out.
I had my little group of friends, but I was awkward and quiet. It didn't matter too much because they were awkward and quiet too. We came home from school. I sometimes went to a friend's house to spend the night, but somewhere along the line, my father took the notion that I had something going on with her older brother. For the record, it had never occurred to me. He was not very nice to my friend or me, and he killed kittens. But there was so much drama at home around these visits that after awhile, I simply stopped asking. It wasn't long and the invitations stopped.
I remembered once, telling someone on the school bus that we were going into town that evening, all of us, and she looked at me and said, "So what's the big deal? We go to Warren all the time." After a few years, I figured out that most kids did have these little trips out and that they were not a big deal.
There were no school dances. There was no makeup. No panty hose with our long dresses, always knee socks. And white ones at that because it made laundry easier. And I'm not saying this to get pity or anything like that. It's just how it was. It was a lonely way to grow up, but I had books. I suppose that as kids, we were close, but it's strange. Now that we are adults, only my youngest sister and I are close.
But as I read those thirteen 'negative traits' from people who grew up in extreme loneliness, I realized that I was 'ticking' a lot of boxes.
I thought of the previous day, when Mattie tried to give me a hanging pot. I told her no. I would buy it. Tim picked one out for me. Looking at that 'negative trait', I realized that I was setting myself up to always be the giver in a friendship, refusing to allow others to reciprocate.
That's a pretty poor friend.
I belong to a book club now. I sought out this group. I really wanted to be part of something. Now that I'm in it, I spend too much time feeling as if I don't fit. That others might find me strange. Maybe I should simply stick to reading.
That's not how new friends are made.
My appearance. I've always been a self conscious person. Yesterday, I worked, came home from the new build, made a pot of potato leek soup, and then sat down on the couch, tired. I knew that I should take a shower, but it just felt good to sit down. Tim came in and said hopefully, "want to take a walk with me?" I thought of my rumpled wearing unmade up self and I said, "No. Not today."
There was a chance to walk along and visit with my husband missed.
I can't stand pictures of myself, ever. It has occurred to me that when I'm gone, my children and grandchildren will not have many (any?) pictures of me to bring back memories.
The 'icing out' was a bit jarring because a relative once accused me of freezing people out. For the record, I don't think that I do that at all. I accept the fact that some people are not going to like me, and that's okay. I don't feel the need to try to change minds. I just leave them be.
I went down the list and I realized that every single one of the supposedly negative traits could be applied to myself, and for the first time, I understood me. All the questions I ever had have been answered. I'm not a perfect person. I've always known that about me, and what people miss is that I see my imperfections far more clearly than they do.
But for the first time, also. I see it laid out before me, something that I can understand. I feel like I understand me a little better. I feel like there are things that I can change.
I'm kind of hopeful about this.
that was very sad but so understandable...
ReplyDeleteI don't really see it is as sad so much as explanatory. Behaviors are difficult to change, but people do it. I know that I am strong willed. Maybe I'll be one of those people.
DeleteThere are reasons why we turn out like we do and its fine to be a bit self critical at times, but take a look at your life and see what you've achieved, and it seems rather a lot.
ReplyDeleteOh, I know that I'm a very lucky person, really, and I have achieved quite a lot, and now I'm sort of at a quiet place in my life where friendships and ties to others is important to me. Probably more important that it ever has been in my life.
Delete*are
Delete
ReplyDeleteAndrew is perfectly right Debby, your life has a lot of achievement in it. Measuring oneself against a list of negativity is not actually very helpful. Put it aside and allow guilt to slip away.
Oh, I don't feel guilty. I just feel the lack, as if something is missing. If I want to address that, I need to look at what it is in me that blocks friendship. What it is that makes me difficult to take.
DeleteTo know it and understand it is more than half the battle.
ReplyDeleteI recognise those traits in myself but only now at age 67.
We are the same age. I will be turning 67 in a matter of days.
DeleteHmm. I'm looking in the mirror.
ReplyDeleteReally? You're the last one I would have expected to feel this way. You have friends seeking you out at a time when you need to be sought out, and I love that. I love reading about your friends and activities, and how it seems as if everyone (including yourself) is working through these difficult days together.
DeleteMaybe that's why we all blog!
ReplyDeleteJabblog, that is so ironic, because that's exactly what popped into my mind! Writing seems effortless to me, yet if you were to meet me in real life, you'd be trying to talk to a self conscious awkward person.
DeleteI feel a bit like that myself, maybe we all do. Gigi
ReplyDeleteI think that not everyone does, but I think a lot of people do. Maybe more do than don't. What I do know is that when you've got people struggling to make ends meet, working more than one job, trying to raise a family, social media, this will become even more prevalent, in my opinion.
DeleteI thought right away, "Ah! A kindred spirit!" More of us feel this way than you know. Dr. Gabor Mate' would describe your childhood as one with trauma - little t. When children don't get what they need emotionally, they develop coping mechanisms that help them survive as children, (each one of those "negatives" in the article is a coping mechanism) but can become maladaptive in adulthood. Finding myself in Dr. Mate's books, as well as in the Enneagram personality type books, and counseling, have all helped me feel less weird and defective, and more compassionate for my personality. What a load off!
ReplyDeleteI guess that is what I'm hoping to achieve in the end: a bit of compassion for myself, and to feel less weird and defective. Reading this made it all seem logical.
DeleteMy counselor has helped me see just how logical my coping mechanisms were (are). I learned not to care what I think others may think of me, as I am doing my best to live in this world, as they are. And some of my best sucks. However, I want to know it, and change it. Looking within is hard, yeesh, and so worth it!
DeleteI think we are all different, but some of US are more different than others. There is not much that we can do to alter our essential personalities.
ReplyDeleteI guess we'll see. I'll never be a person whose phone is always pinging. I'll never run with a large herd of people. I've never seen myself as unstandable until I read this. Interestingly enough, it fits Tim too.
DeleteI completely understand. I check most of those boxes too. I grew up as an only child of older parents in a pretty rough neighborhood. Not too many friends and no close ones. Since my divorce (after 40+ years of marriage) I have really struggled with the loneliness and depression. But the good news is that we are never too old to attempt change! I love reading your blog.
ReplyDeleteLisa
As I've aged, since I've retired, I have really felt the loneliness more. I see other people who seem to have their little groups gathered around them, and I find myself wondering what it is that makes me different from them. I think that this explains it, a little.
DeleteI haven't any idea what list you speak of, but if it helps you have always been nothing but friendly and welcoming to me - you are obviously helpful and kind and love those that love you very well.
ReplyDeleteSo for all those negatives that like magnets to metal filings attract our inner critic to nod, don't forget that you are also filled with (to really crank those physics puns) free radicals that helps to make the wonderful you.
The article is '13 Traits of Children Who Felt Lonely as Children.' It was a parade.com article. To be fair, as I began this, I thought it was 'fluff', because I believe that every kid feels lonely, especially in their teen years. But as I read it, I thought that it really filled in some gaps in my own self wonderings.
DeleteI've never fit in either. I'm very sensitive, very emotional, I'm quite smart and I don't have much in the way of filters, I tend to say what I think. My social skills are lacking, although they have improved dramatically since I was a child. I was very shy as a child, terrified to talk, terrified of most things. I loved reading too.
ReplyDeleteAs I've aged I've learned a few things, most importantly, some social skills. I've also learned that I have ADD, depression, and I'm also on the autism spectrum, which would explain a lot. I was bullied as a child by a boy, who it turns out was smaller than me, I was always the tallest in the class.
I get lonely a lot too, even with my husband. I have a hard time trusting people or letting people in. I enjoyed reading that article. We are all works in progress:)
Thanks for sharing Debby.
You know, I had a friend who once was talking about someone and she said, very off handedly, "He is very smart." and then she finished it off with "Not like you. You're scary smart." I've always wondered what that meant. I tried to ask her about it, but she seemed quite surprised that I did not know this about myself. Deep down, we're all a little weird I think. The world calls it 'unique'. I guess my biggest problem is with people who think they get to define me. I've got a brother who dismisses everything anyone else says with "As far as I'm concerned..." As if his opinion is the only sensible opinion and any other opinion is wrong. There are a lot of people like that these days, and I just have a real problem with authoritarianism or people who insist that they know me better than I know myself.
DeleteMy husband is scary smart and because of that and his height, he doesn't fit in either. I'm just plain smart, not scary smart:)
DeleteI had a friend who didn't know she was stubborn until she went to University and her roommate told her that she was stubborn. I laughed and told her that I had to agree, she was very stubborn.
I'm contrary, cut off my nose to spite my face, my mum would say. Doesn't serve me very well. Sigh.
I guess that I've just kind of swung in the other direction. I just don't feel the need to be contrary. Once I realize that there is no common ground, I guess I tend to leave the person to their own thinks.
DeleteI have always felt that the way we are nutured can explain a lot more of why we are the way we are as adults than most people credit. There are a lot of things in my life that I can now pinpoint to incidences in my childhood. They aren't necessarily wrong or bad, but it certainly reinforces in my mind the repercussions of parenting or lack there of.
ReplyDeleteI think that we are shaped by our childhoods, and that people respond to them differently, which is interesting. I have a sister who was well and truly broken by her childhood. It's always bothered me. I used to try to help her, but it always wound up biting me, badly. Tim is a quiet person, but he flat out said, "Do not take this on ever again."
DeleteI was certainly a lonely child too. At least up until the age of about twelve or so when we moved and I did make new friends. I don't know that I can relate my social anxiety and depression and tendency to isolate on that early loneliness. I also do not feel an urge to try and change much at this point. I am who I am. I wish I weren't as anxious and depressed as I am sometimes but I feel like it is way too late to rewire my brain.
ReplyDeleteBut you WANT to change and that is a good thing. Have you ever tried counseling? I'm not saying you NEED it, I'm just saying that it often helps to have someone to bounce things off of who is not emotionally involved in your life. I know for me that therapy has given me some very good insights on why I am the way I am.
I admire that about you, that you are who you are and that you don't give a rat's behind who likes you or doesn't. That has always impressed the heck out of me, because I will give that impression, but inside, I agonize about what people think of me. Which is strange. It's also unhelpful.
DeleteI just want to be part of something bigger than myself. I like talking to people. I like hearing stories. I like helping others. I just need to allow people to reciprocate.
While reading your post, I found myself tearing up. The things you describe fit me perfectly. I was not allowed to socialize much as a child. My role from the age of 9 was to be home doing the housework, cooking and childcare for my younger siblings. After school let out for the summer, I would not see another child my age until school started back up. This continued until my father moved out of the home when I was 17. I spent all of my free time alone in my room. I did a lot of reading and have been described like you of being scary smart-though my thought process is very different from others. I will draw a conclusion on a situation that never occurred to others. I very much think out of the box.
ReplyDeleteFascinating, Hummingbird, because that is something that Tim has always thought was my greatest strength, that I can think outside the box, and that I can do that very quickly.
DeleteI hope that you can see the strengths that your childhood provided while recognizing the damage it has done as well.
Stay in touch.
I see many of those traits in myself as well, but some don't seem necessarily negative. I love being by myself and doing things by myself, which I think of as skills developed by being a self-reliant kid. (I always had friends, but after middle school none of them lived near me, so I was by myself or with my brother a lot after school.) Still, it's cool that reading that article gave you some insight into your past!
ReplyDeleteI think it's a question of degree, myself. You are absolutely right. Being independent is a great attribute. However if you are so independent that you cannot bring yourself to admit that you need help, it has become a negative. There's properly setting boundaries, I suppose, an important skill. But there are people who have boundaries that do wind up 'icing people out.' It has become a negative. I don't think the article has all the answers, but it has certainly given me a lot to think about.
DeleteI grew up on a dairy farm in Ohio a seven day a week job. I never had a vacation until my honeymoon. I was surprised I could leave the farm and go out of Ohio. We lived in the country very few neighbors but farming country. People were scattered but I did have cousins that came sometimes. I am an only child, so the animals were my friends. I had wonderful parents though, so I knew I was loved and that went a long way. I learned to work at an early age so I have worked all my life until I retired and now, I am 79 and enjoy it. I go to church on Sunday and sometimes never see a person until the next Sunday. that is fine with me. I have you Debby and other people on the computer I consider my friends,
ReplyDeleteI think that is true of myself as well. I think we have an awfully nice little spot carved out for ourselves in blogland.
DeleteI spent a lot of my childhood alone, but never felt lonely. That feeling never really came along until adulthood. It's interesting that this article helped you to understand some things and put them into perspective.
ReplyDeleteI think the lonely came in, not from simply being isolated, but by being in such a harsh and critical environment. It never stopped.
DeleteI think that was a brave post to write. I expected I was going to go tick tick tick down the list, and although I can say yes to most at some point in my life, I am surprised they are not really me. Yes, I was lonely when young and into adulthood, but I realise now my oddities are probably down to Asperger syndrome. That is a list in which I do tick all the boxes.
ReplyDeleteIt is interesting to think that everything that I considered weird and unexplainable about myself might have a logical root. I do wonder if we all don't have those negative traits at some point in our lives. I don't know, but it gave me a lot to think about.
DeleteI think we have to learn to live with ourselves, and like ourselves as we are. You have have a lot to like. Yes you have. Stop arguing!
Delete(hugs). I agree. I think that our childhoods shape a lot in our adult lives. As a fellow weird person I don't want to get into all my own memories but we moved 13 times (in the same town) when I was growing up, my parent's marriage wasn't ideal and there were a lot of secrets. I was a shy (and in my eyes unattractive) child and my father liked to tease. I know I deliberately raised my children very different from the way I was raised.
ReplyDeleteOne weird thing about me (and there are many many) is that we never ate dinner at a table together with our own children. This was the most unpleasant time of day for me as a child and I just didn't want to do it. We had a dining room table but I fed the family (and still do) meals on tv trays in the living room. Each person in their own chair with their own table. Now huge family gatherings we have big tables and somehow my own children have family meals at a family table. It is just not pleasant for me.
That seemed to be the time when my father found something to berate us about. I learned to simply not respond. That made him pretty mad, but it made me feel as if I had a measure of control in a situation which could veer wildly into craziness.
DeleteI have pushed people away my whole life. I am feeling the effects now and its probably too late to reverse it. People like me but I only have one close friend besides my husband.
ReplyDeleteI have acquaintances, I suppose, but I miss having friends.
DeleteSelf reflection is a good thing. But it seems to me that you are being too hard on yourself. You have a lot of skills that others don't have, witness your role in building your own house with your husband for one. You give a lot of yourself to William and Mattie and her family. I think that friends are harder to keep as we get older, we had a large circle of friends when we were working, entertained a lot, went to parties and dinners at friends houses, etc, etc. I raced sailboats for years and there was an active social life there as well. But when we retired a great deal of that went away, I think that is normal, people retire and circles of friends change. I realize that I only know you from what you write here but you seem pretty sorted out to me.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to the link. And I think I recognized this in you when I started following your blog.
ReplyDeleteBonnie in Minneapolis
Hello Debby
ReplyDeleteI would really like you to read a poem that came up in my YouTube feed very recently.
It’s on YouTube channel
Looking at life with Dee (1May 2024). The poem is called Let them - Just let them by Cassie Phillips.
Dee reads the poem with the rain “ hammering down” which adds to the impact of the words. It’s not a long poem, but it packs a punch.
I think you will find it interesting.
With best wishes
Sue
Our childhoods were similar in many ways. I come from a very large family, but like you there were few kids living close by, neighbors were almost all elderly. And since we were Catholic, others kept their distance. We were only allowed to wear pants and shorts at home, otherwise dresses and skirts were the rule. No hose until I was 15, no makeup ditto, although we sneaked it.
ReplyDeleteNo school events, no school clubs or sports for us girls. The boys had much more freedom. Things loosened up a bit by the time I was 15 but atv17 I was married and out of there.
But I wouldn't say my childhood was lonely. The Catholic school was so small all our classmates were our friends. And my sister Judy and I were very close. I loved being alone, because in that house of 13 kids time alone was a gift, lol. And since we lived in town and Mom did not drive, we were allowed to walk to the store for her to shop for daily groceries. I also walked to the library, a mile away, once a week in summer.
Your childhood sounds so much more restricted. And yet when I read your blog, I see you as a happy, confident, and giving person. I would never have seen those other traits that you see in yourself.