Tim's been not himself for a while, and I've been concerned. He is coming back to himself though, and that is gratifying.
There's been ~um...~ a situation ~ that was purposely set on the back burner because it was not the time to trouble him I put my big girl panties on and just kept it to myself, but it was troubling me.
Yesterday, I had plans to go pay my respects at a funeral home. I've been just dragging for a couple days now. Yesterday, it became clear. I woke up with a headache, a wicked sore throat, and sick to my stomach. Body aches. It got worse as the day went on. So. I didn't go anywhere.
Tim stuck around home as well and during the course of the day, the topic finally came up. "Tim, I want to talk to you about something that has really been bothering me a lot." And I laid it all out. This has been a terribly stressful and worrisome time. I imagine that it was for both of us. He listened quietly, as is his nature. He told me that we were in agreement on the subject. We discussed it a little. He's not much of a talker. Never has been and that has caused a lot of problems for me in 25 years of marriage.
He sat quietly after I stopped talking. Finally, he ended up picking up a remote a turning on the television when he saw that I was done talking.
That made me mad. I mean, sometimes, I just need to know that he's listening.
So he watched a couple cop shows while I fumed quietly to myself.
After a couple hours, he said, "Well, I'm headed to bed. Coming?"
I said, "You know, I'm not sure where I am sleeping tonight." I'd had two hours to stoke a good head of steam and I was sick, I was mad, and I was feeling as if there was no resolution.
So...he went to bed without me. I slept on the couch watching a Netflix movie. The Starling, in case you're interested. Don't watch it unless you're in a mood to bawl your eyes out.
This morning, I got William up and moving. Tim eventually came downstairs and greeted me cheerfully. William was in the shower, and so I hissed, "Please don't Tim. I'm really mad at you right now."
He looked surprised. "Why?"
"Well, because I laid out something that was really troubling me. Something that you agreed was a problem and then you offer nothing in the way of resolution, You sit down and watch a couple television shows and go to bed. I'm really, REALLY, REALLY pissed. "
And he said, "Well, I decided the best way to handle it is..." and he laid out how he intends to handle the situation.
I said, "you sat there and you said nothing...."
He said, "Well, I didn't know that you wanted to hear what I was going to do..."
"Tim, that is called a discussion. One of us starts it. The other one listens, counters or agrees, and a solution is reached jointly. Of course you needed to voice your solution. That's how I know that we have reached an understanding."
He looked as if he's never heard this before. I can assure you that he has.
25 years people. 25 years.
Debby I'm sorry for the bad feelings on your part here, but you certainly made this drama an interesting read. Still, it left me scratching my head wondering what the issue with Tim is? I just hope there's some real resolution soon.
ReplyDeleteIt's just his nature. It always has been. He is an agreeable sort and if he disagrees, he just waits for you to get over yourself. I'm a talker. He's not.
DeleteMy husband is a bit like that. Tim isn't a Pisces by any chance is he?
ReplyDeleteBorn on the cusp of Aries and Taurus. I'm on the cusp of Taurus and Gemini.
DeleteUmmm... I think P has that same gene...
ReplyDeleteUsually, I'm pretty good at just accepting him how he is, but man...some days.....
DeleteDave can be a bit like this too. Unless I raise an issue, we never discuss anything. If I bring something up, he'll respond, but even then his responses tend to be perfunctory. He always jokes about being brought up a Lutheran and they never talk!
ReplyDeleteTim can't use that as an excuse. He was raised in an authoritarian preacher's house and the kids were not allowed to speak when dad got home. He's a quiet man.
DeleteWow. That sounds like it must have been a miserable home life. No wonder he processes everything internally. (Interesting how both he and Dave have a common reticence rooted in the religious cultures of their youth, though!)
DeleteNot sure you'll change him. Instead of fuming due to the silence, you might want to ask him what he thinks or for his ideas to resolving a situation. Doesn't sound like he's ever voluntarily said or stated what he thinks. Especially with his recent changes, you may have to ask more often, kinda like asking what he wants for dinner, just part of the attempt to get a response. Hopefully he hasn't ever just ignored your questions. Good luck, Linda in Kansas
ReplyDeleteI realize that I'm not going to change him. I provide a bit of a buffer and he's comfortable to leave me in the role. I don't think it's fair, and he's not going to change me either. He does need to be prodded. But I don't like to argue in front of William, so that curtails the prodding sometimes.
DeleteIf I had a dollar for every time my wife was upset at something I did or said and didn't tell me until hours if not days later after much fuming, I would have quite a bit more money in my pocket. I tend to just get whatever I feel off my chest right then and there and then go about life as usual. We all behave differently in these sorts of situations. I'm sure after 25 years, it is water under the bridge already but I certainly can understand where you are coming from.
ReplyDeleteIt is his nature. However, sometimes that nature causes new problems.
ReplyDeleteThat is really difficult. I am so sorry. Both my husbands would have said 'fine' and walked away!
ReplyDeleteIt is something that in most cases can be just accepted as the way he is. However, sometimes I find myself taking guff for something he needs to set the record straight on.
DeleteHow frustrating - and you're never going to see a change. Me, I'm a hot headed Aries and he'd have known all about it if he ignored me! Keith will always discuss things with me, but is stubborn (so am I) so we don't always agree.
ReplyDeleteI don't like to get hot in front of William.
DeleteMy husband had gone before he was even sick and made all our arrangements. I did not go with him. His funeral was all paid for, he picked out the casket for both of us, flowers for the top and the cemetery expense of the grave. One funny thing happened when we met at the funeral home after his death. My son asks what type of hurst do you use to carry my dad to the church and cemetery. The man said a ford or chevy, my son said that will not do. My dad loved nice big cars all our life. It has to be a Lincoln, they said that is 19.00 more, son said ok, here is your money, my dad will have his last ride in a car he would like. I know that meant a lot to my son and that is all that was left to pay 19.00.
ReplyDeleteLol. He did his daddy proud.
DeleteWell, you were feeling sick and run down so your patience was thin. Glad you spoke up and found out his solution.
ReplyDeleteIt is hard when a couple deal with things in very different ways, as my partner and myself do in our own relationship. You wanted some comfort and sympathy but it wasn't obviously forthcoming. He should have picked up on your mood, at least.
ReplyDeleteNo sympathy needed. It was his responsibility.
DeleteWell, at least WE get to enjoy(?) your frustration?!
ReplyDeleteMy hubs sometimes needs to be reminded to answer me *OUT LOUD* — maybe Tim could benefit from this reminder?
—another Deb
I hear you .
ReplyDeleteMyself and 4 offspring kicked out their father after 21 years..and they asked why I hadn't done it earlier.
I hate arguments. I hate when people do not listen. He was controlling and gaslighting...only now diagnosed as autistic...and jealous of the kids. He wouldn't talk either and only listened when I blew my top and broke something!
Hope the pair of you can work out communication, as that is a good example to William
Sounds just like my parents! I remember an exactly similar situation - after three days (!) my mother asked why he refused to discuss the subject (a financial matter) and got the reply "There's nothing to discuss; you've said what you think, I agree with you, and anyway I'd sorted all that out five years ago".
ReplyDeleteYou two have an interesting relationship. Some people do have to digest things before they can answer. I am a bit like that, but not as much.
ReplyDeletePerhaps Tim is a bit on the spectrum? Communication does not come easy to all of us and if, after 25 years he is still not truly understand how a discussion works, there may be a true reason. I am sure it is frustrating for you.
ReplyDeleteI do believe that he probably is, but I think that it has more to do with being raised in an ultra religious family that allowed no discussion (back talk). He never learned the art.
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