Thursday, March 9, 2023

Mulling a Marriage

 Anvil Cloud commented yesterday that Tim and I have an interesting relationship, and I've been thinking about that. 

Tim and I are very different. Most of the time, we simply accept those differences. He likes cars. As long as my car gets me from point a to point b, I'm happy with it. He likes to hunt, so I raise the vegetables. We get along pleasantly for the most part. I like to read. He doesn't. I like to write. He doesn't. 

Things like that, in my mind are pretty superficial differences though and now that we are retired, we spend a lot of time together and we get along well enough. 

Communication has always been an issue. Tim doesn't like to argue, with anyone. He will walk away. I think that sometimes things need to be said, brought out into the open. Everyone has their own personal 'non-negotiables'. I think. There are things that he will not tolerate (and shouldn't) and there are things that I will not tolerate (and shouldn't).

Sometimes, life happens and don't you damn know it, you look around and realize that you've blundered into one of those non-negotiable mindfields.  

Tim will never be known as a great communicator but he listens. He won't answer in a lot of cases, but I chalk that up to being raised in an authoritarian family that didn't  allow a lot of discussing. I know when he's upset about something because he sniffs. As ridiculous as that sounds, when I hear a sniff, followed shortly afterwards by another sniff, I know that somethings up. And so I ask him what he's upset about and he doesn't answer and I wait, because I know that he is upset. I'm kind of a no bull girl, and eventually, probably to get rid of me, he does talk. And we figure it out. 

In this case, I'm the one who is upset. He understands the problem. He agrees that it is a problem. We are even in agreement of how it should be handled. 

I think a lot of marriages are like that. Most I guess. I don't know. What we have is respect for each other and what we both bring to the table. It's a working partnership, and has been for 25 years. 

Between us, we have raised 5 kids, and got 4 of them through college, We have built a nice little business for ourselves that generates income and should continue to do so for all the rest of our lives. When we are done, that business will be sold and divided up and provide each child with a nice nest egg that will advance them in their own lives. 

Pretty decent life's work for a quiet hardworking man and a talkative hardworking woman. 


25 comments:

  1. You have both done well providing for your family and yourselves. We'll done Debby and Tim. Your Rock music taste isn't bad either and you have seen Kansas like myself.

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  2. You seem to have it all sorted out and you are both happy, despite the ups and downs. Sounds like a good way to be.

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    1. I think that we see each others imperfections and we recognize that we have our own.

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  3. I think all married couples have areas of difference and rocky shoals they must periodically navigate. All things considered I think you two do amazingly well!

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    1. Oh, there is much that I don't blog, but really, I think we are a good team.

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  4. It looks like you both see where the other is coming from, even though you work in different ways.
    Communication is the key..and often the problem!

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  5. You get along, which is what counts, and each understands the other's point of view, but chooses to deal with it in a different way. It takes a lot to make Keith lose his temper, but if I push him too far, boy do I know about it. Whereas I'm a fly off the handle type - 5 minutes later and it's all forgotten! We accept that that's the way we are and agree to differ - same as you and Tim. I think you have a good marriage and have given your children a real future.

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    1. We've done our best by them. In the end, they choose what to do with those chances.

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  6. This is a very thoughtful reflection. I am wife #3. My JB is hubby #2. There is much to negotiate. Take care.

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    1. There is. Everyone comes in dragging baggage.

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  7. Somewhere, the other day, I read the phrase "Normal marital hatred". Most of us have probably been there, if only briefly. (vegartist)

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    1. Oh, there is no one who can aggravate us more than a spouse.

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  8. I see a lot of similarities between Tim and myself and you and Mrs. Shife. Congrats on all of you successes through the 25 years and here's to many more.

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    1. I think you and Mrs. S have a good thing going. You are not shy about telling them (and showing them) how much they mean to you. That's something that I really respect you for.

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  9. Yes - a pretty decent life's work I'd agree. Jane and I are not alike but maybe that's why I lover her so much - I wouldn't want to live with a copy of me; that would be sort of vain and narcissistic wouldn't it?

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    1. I never really thought of it in that light, but it's true. What strikes me is that I don't particularly like much about myself. I'd sure hate to be married to me!

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  10. Great last sentence. You really sum things up.

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    1. It's the important thing, I think. I've never asked. Do you have grandchildren, Red?

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  11. Every pair develops their own style, and I wonder how most of us could adapt to living with a different person. I am not sure that I could.

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    1. Lol. We both haven't got the patience start training another one from scratch.

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  12. Well, I divorced my husband after 33 years of marriage so I'm no expert on marriages! I am glad you and Tim have figured out ways to get along and it's working out for you.
    Wishing you many happy, healthy years together!

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  13. I'm sure if I wrote down our differences on paper, my wife and I would be similar to you and Tim. We would have a lot of differences. But I guess the key is knowing those differences, as you do with Tim, and knowing how to navigate them while celebrating those things that we have in common.

    I've always heard that retirement is one of the biggest stressors to a marriage, that and winning a lottery.

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I'm glad you're here!

Encouragement.

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