Today has been a tough day.
Tim doesn't sleep very well at night. He is cold. The electric blanket makes him too hot, even if it is turned off and just laying on the bed like a blanket.
He slept on the couch again last night. I don't know how long he was awake. He sure was tired today.
I had placed an order for Mattie and I had printed off a picture of a quilt for Grandma. I thought maybe a car ride up on the hill would keep him awake. He's always curious about what Levi's got happening. We talked about it last night and he was looking forward to it.
Strangely enough, Mattie called this morning. Levi had butchered a cow. She'd run out of wide mouth jars. Did I have any? Yes. Yes I did. Could we maybe stop and pick up some pizzas for them? Yes. Yes we could.
The children were all home from school and they had a little production line going. Even the youngest children were doing their part, cutting the meat from the bones to go into glass jars and put into the canner on the big wood stove. Mattie was just pulling a batch of jars out of the boiler. She had the next batch lined up and ready to go in.
We didn't stay for long, maybe an hour. They were busy. When Mattie called, I told her what had happened, and that we couldn't stay long.
The thing that I noticed, for the first time, is in that happy setting, Tim is not right. There is something different. The whole butchering operation is something that he would have been hugely interested in. He'd have been right in there helping, talking. He sat quietly, watching.
He ate one piece of pizza. Mattie got him two jars of her good peaches. He did have a bowl of peaches, but it seemed like he was quieter than usual. I don't know. Maybe it was my imagination. But the more I watched, the more sure that I was that it was not.
I really, really wanted it to be.
When we got home, he lay down on the couch and fell fast asleep. I sat on the other couch watching him, listening to him. That is not his usual snore.
I know that I sound like an idiot.
He did not eat supper.
Tonight he is coughing just as bad as ever. Nothing is helping.
I am calling a lung specialist tomorrow. I am hopeful that he will see him sooner rather than later.
But tonight, I'm just as afraid as I ever was.
Today, one of his old friends called to check in. It's not that I don't appreciate it, but I handed the phone to Tim. He handed it back to me. His friend wanted me to tell him. "How is he REALLY doing?"
A flame of impatience raised up in me. Hell if I know. And furthermore, I'm not going to discuss him in front of him. I stifled my temper. I know it is fear based. Quite nicely, I said, "He is a lot better than he was, but I am still worried about him." I handed the phone back to Tim.