Today has been a tough day.
Tim doesn't sleep very well at night. He is cold. The electric blanket makes him too hot, even if it is turned off and just laying on the bed like a blanket.
He slept on the couch again last night. I don't know how long he was awake. He sure was tired today.
I had placed an order for Mattie and I had printed off a picture of a quilt for Grandma. I thought maybe a car ride up on the hill would keep him awake. He's always curious about what Levi's got happening. We talked about it last night and he was looking forward to it.
Strangely enough, Mattie called this morning. Levi had butchered a cow. She'd run out of wide mouth jars. Did I have any? Yes. Yes I did. Could we maybe stop and pick up some pizzas for them? Yes. Yes we could.
The children were all home from school and they had a little production line going. Even the youngest children were doing their part, cutting the meat from the bones to go into glass jars and put into the canner on the big wood stove. Mattie was just pulling a batch of jars out of the boiler. She had the next batch lined up and ready to go in.
We didn't stay for long, maybe an hour. They were busy. When Mattie called, I told her what had happened, and that we couldn't stay long.
The thing that I noticed, for the first time, is in that happy setting, Tim is not right. There is something different. The whole butchering operation is something that he would have been hugely interested in. He'd have been right in there helping, talking. He sat quietly, watching.
He ate one piece of pizza. Mattie got him two jars of her good peaches. He did have a bowl of peaches, but it seemed like he was quieter than usual. I don't know. Maybe it was my imagination. But the more I watched, the more sure that I was that it was not.
I really, really wanted it to be.
When we got home, he lay down on the couch and fell fast asleep. I sat on the other couch watching him, listening to him. That is not his usual snore.
I know that I sound like an idiot.
He did not eat supper.
Tonight he is coughing just as bad as ever. Nothing is helping.
I am calling a lung specialist tomorrow. I am hopeful that he will see him sooner rather than later.
But tonight, I'm just as afraid as I ever was.
Today, one of his old friends called to check in. It's not that I don't appreciate it, but I handed the phone to Tim. He handed it back to me. His friend wanted me to tell him. "How is he REALLY doing?"
A flame of impatience raised up in me. Hell if I know. And furthermore, I'm not going to discuss him in front of him. I stifled my temper. I know it is fear based. Quite nicely, I said, "He is a lot better than he was, but I am still worried about him." I handed the phone back to Tim.
Has he had a chest x-ray or CT scan of his chest? Something is going on and yes, it must be so frightening. Sending hugs.
ReplyDeleteYes he has.
DeleteOh Debby, not what we wanted to hear. If he is fighting a lung infection though he's not going to be feeling anything like with it. I hope the lung specialist can be seen very quickly indeed, diagnose accurately and take prompt action. Sending (((HUGS))) Jennie xx (P.S. Up this time of night (2.20 a.m.) as I can't sleep).
ReplyDeleteIt is not that time here, but I can tell you that I will likely be up as well.
DeleteI cannot understand the laxness of the Dr Tim has seen. I'd sack him! I hope you are able to sleep but know what worry does to sleep patterns.
DeleteWe are not going back to him. We need to find another doctor who is accepting patients. You know, we received a call from one of our tenants. Understand he had no clue who Tim' s doctor was. His wife was in very poor shape, compared to Tim. She was prescribed a round of antibiotics that didn't work. She was prescribed another round of antibiotics, ended up with C-diff. She was in the Erie hospital for two weeks. She died. Jennie, it was the same doctor.
DeleteOh Debby. Not what you need to hear.
Delete(((Debby))) I hope that the general direction maintains positively - there will no doubt be fearful bumps in the road.
ReplyDeleteOh Jeanie, I need to read those words every day. Several times a day at that. There is a lot of positive progress. I need to learn to handle the bumps in the road with a bit more grace.
DeleteSending you so much love and strength and support... keep fighting that good fight Deb. Trust your gut. You know Tim better than anyone - tell him to hang in there!! 💙💙💙💙💙
Delete"I know that I sound like an idiot. "
ReplyDeleteNo, you do not. You know what normal is and you know this isn't it. And while it is just possible that Tim is still healing and on his way back to normal, it is also possible that he is not. And you have every right to be concerned and to take action about it. The only question is what should that action be?
Clearly this doctor is Not Great. So you need to find another one and preferably one that is like a dog with a bone and not willing to let things slide.
I'm in Australia so I have no idea how things work over there but if it were here I would probably get the other half in the car and drive him to a Sydney hospital if I didn't feel like the local one was doing right by him.
Sending you much love and a prayer that you can find the kind of medical help you need at this time.
I'm glad you're trusting your gut that something isn't right. I was hoping the cough was gone since you hadn't posted much about it. Sending positive thoughts that someone will find the answers and effective treatment and that Tim will improve physically and mentally.
ReplyDeleteSlow steps to recovery I suppose. Tim is clearly not good at self care. It is up to you, quite a responsibility. Sleeping so much during the day will ensure he does not sleep at night. It is like he is jet lagged.
ReplyDeleteA comment from Snoskred is rare nowadays but she is a wise woman.
Trust yourself, and keep at it. You’ve won one battle but stokes are weird and the readjustment takes time and the new normal could look different. And the coughing is still there to manage. But listen to Snoskred, This is the time for action by a caring relative. Keep biting on that bone. Sending strength and courage.
ReplyDeleteI agree that you should trust yourself and your gut feelings. I'm sorry that you're going through all this. I wish you lived closer, we are friends with the best pulmonologist in this area (he saved my husband's life when he had lung cancer) and I know we could get you and Tim in to see him.
ReplyDeleteAt any rate, hang in there and don't forget to take care of yourself, too. It's too easy to forget your own needs in this kind of situation.
Hugs and my continued best wishes.
Might your pulmonologist friend possibly be able to recommend a pulmonologist in Debby’s area??? (Does it even work this way??)
DeleteI am sorry to hear that the cough is still there. You hadn’t mentioned it, so I thought it was gone. I hope that you get an appointment soon with lung specialist. - LindaG
ReplyDeleteWhat a difficult time you are having. I hope you get to the bottom of it. You are doing a fine job advocating. I'm sure you don't need advice from anyone. Caregiving is such a journey, isn't it...
ReplyDeleteI'd be just as worried as you are. I'm sorry you and Tim are going through this. I truly do feel your pain. It's the not knowing that causes worry; we want to know things will be OK in the long run... then we don't mind suffering through the pain of the present times. I hope you get good doctors who can really help him.
ReplyDeleteI'll continue to keep Tim's health and your strength in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteI think you're right to seek out a lung specialist and I don't blame you for being worried. This is all so scary. As others said, follow your instincts. You seem to have a solid sense of what needs to be done and that's a good thing.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if some of this is simply recovery from the mini-strokes. Maybe Tim will come to seem more like himself as time passes. But he does need to get those lungs looked at.
It is normal to worry since you have been through so much. Hoping for steady progress and more answers to your questions.
ReplyDeleteUntil you KNOW something, try to comfort yourself with the knowledge that Tim is indeed still healing and probably will be for a time. I am so very glad you got him an appointment with the pulmonary doc.
ReplyDeleteThe great news is that I DIDN'T. He hasn't worked here for years, I was told. I'm back to the old 'we're not currently accepting new patients'.
DeleteHe has been through it recently, so in addition to whatever other health concerns there might be, he is likely just too tired to raise much energy or enthusiasm. Fingers crossed for a good day.
ReplyDeleteNo, you do NOT sound like an idiot, the cough is still there and I believe that you should pursue an appointment with a pulmonologist as soon as possible. You have every right to be concerned, something is not right with Tim. Don't stop advocating for him.
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth, and if he's open to trying it, an electric mattress pad on a low setting is a gentler, less aggressive heat than a blanket. I know it's one more thing to think about added to your very full plate.
ReplyDelete