When I received the call to ask if I was willing to consider going back to work for six months, one of the things I said (before saying yes), was that I had some plans set up for June 10-15th. The plans were made, and I couldn't back out of them. It is Dylan and Brittani's anniversary and it has become important to me to make the trip there so that they can celebrate themselves. The company scheduled me for those days off without hesitation, making them a condition of employment.
So I have five whole days to spend with my son, daughter-in-law and granddaughter. There will be cribbage or rummy games after that girl goes to bed, and we will call out music for Alexa to find as the cards are shuffled. I always go with clothes for Iris, and some crafts and activities. I've got a little fairy scene for her to set up in her mother's flowers, and I've got a thimble that we will fill with teeny tiny 'fairy flowers' in the yard and leave them for the little fairy girl at the front door of her little fairy house. We will have a grand time like we always do.
Brittani also mentioned that they had gotten a family pool pass to the local pool and said that I should bring my suit.
'Bring my suit.'
So offhandedly mentioned, but I haven't had a bathing suit for 30 years.
It's hard to pinpoint if there was an actual beginning. My dad had strong feelings on girls being obsessed with their looks. We weren't allowed to shave our legs. We weren't allowed to wear nylons. We weren't allowed to wear make up. Perfume made us smell like whores. Our skirts were to our knees. We were only allowed to wash our hair once a week. A boy called once. My mother shouted that he was never to call the house again, and she hung up the phone. My father ran a very tight ship, and he would not tolerate whores for daughters. My mother paid a heavy price if things did not meet his standards, so being a popular girl was a dangerous thing. My mother's words of wisdom, given to me on a regular basis were, "People just don't like you, and one of these days, you'll figure out that it is you."
There was the husband who thought that after he had gotten his master's degree, he deserved better. Privately, I believed him and I knew in my heart of hearts that he was looking for that woman.
In the intervening years, that husband left, and despite the vow that I'd never marry again, there is Tim and we have been married for 23 years now. There has been cancer, and a lopsidedness that embarrasses me, both in public and in private. I also jiggle more than I did all those years ago. My hair is thin and gray and I've given up trying to find a style for it. I pin it away from my face and let it tumble to my shoulders. I've got a bulgy vein in my left leg, and my right knee is wonky. I'm not smooth and polished, and all of those things that women seem to spend a lot of time on. Sometimes, my children were ashamed of me. I'm awkward and self conscious and feel like a weirdo most of the time. I hate to have my picture taken.
So...my first thought when Brittani said, "Bring you suit..." was "I'll watch from the side of the pool. That will be fun to watch Iris play in the water." I never once hesitated. It never once entered my mind to get a suit.
Except that last week, I had a short conversation with a friend. She is a free spirit, and already she is deeply tanned, with rosy cheeks. Her gray hair is always in an untidy bob, and tucked carelessly behind her ears. The woman's got things to do, and those things are mostly outside. She's has really done a lot of gardening around the property. She sits on her porch and listens to NPR in the evening, or hangs out with her friends. I don't even know what we were talking about honestly, but I said something about dieting, and she looked at me with the most astonished look on her face. "Why does it even matter?" I didn't know what to say to that. She is the most unselfconscious person I've ever met in my life, just as free as an person can be. I admire her.
I've been thinking about her words.
And then this week was the work 'thing'. I always was an outsider at work. Always. I just didn't fit. I'm not even sure why. I'm just an odd duck. This week demonstrated plainly that I'm still the odd duck. Part of it is that I don't try very hard these days. I will never understand people who need to say ugly things about others, and I give them wide berth. I don't expect to be liked. I just accept it how it is, because. well, it is always how it is.
But I do have friends and I love them and am grateful for them. We can talk easily about big things. I'm not self conscious around them. I feel them as 'kindred'. We swap books back and forth and we talk about everything under the sun. We listen to each other's stories with love. I love the time that I have with those folks in my life.
Tim and I have a nice life. He loves me, and sure there are those days when we plainly piss each other off, but in the end, we know that we are very blessed people. We are fortunate souls who try to share our good fortune with a free hand. I don't want to be with anybody else, and he's never given me the slightest sign that he wants anything different than what he's got.
In short, I seem to fit where I fit, but there seems to be a lot more places where I don't fit than where I do. I see my flaws and shortcomings better than any person on this earth and know that I am far short of perfect.
Friday at work, I really began to think about this whole sitting on the side watching Iris and Brittani splash in the pool and it struck me that it was really a metaphor of my life. I'd spent a lot of it watching from the side.
I'm not a huge woman, and plenty of gray haired women with a lot more jiggle than I have wear bathing suits and are diving right in. And worrying about lopsidedness? 12 years ago, if you would have asked me about that, I'd have told you it was a small price to pay for living.
I worked away and I pondered these things as I worked.
My husband loves me, and he doesn't understand this self consciousness. If he tells me I look nice, I automatically tell him that I know that I don't.
Why is that?
By the time that I walked out of work, I had made up my mind. I did not go home. I went to the store and I studied bathing suits. I picked one out and when I got home I stood in front of a full length mirror and studied myself for a long time, wondering about what other people would think.
I noticed that the brightly colored tropical flowers on the top sort of disguise the lopsidedness, and that the scars were mostly covered by the strap. The black swim skirt looked cute. I really need to do something about those pasty white legs, but over all, it wasn't horrible, The realization surprised me.
It will be fun to be in the pool with Iris and Brittani and have little Iris paddling back and forth between us. A lot more fun than watching from the side.
Wow! You are fab. I am so impressed by you. You will enjoy the pool.ReplyDelete
And this text should be mandatory reading for everybody, men too!
A good honest post.ReplyDelete
How we do get messed up by our elders' good intentions and others' thoughtlessness and selfishness.
Now go and relax and enjoy!
I love swimming despite having too many fat bits so I squeeze into my swimming costume which holds all the jiggly bits and get in that pool. I wear shorts despite knowing that not many 66 year old women wear them and I have fat legs!ReplyDelete
So go on, get in that pool and have a wonderful time with your family.
Yay! I am cheering as I read this! So glad you bought the bathing suit. Iris will have so much fun splashing in the water with her granny. I love your blog - I read it blog regularly but haven't commented before. NicolaReplyDelete
Good for you. Something bright and colourful will perhaps focus the eyes the bathing suit and not the body. We have many similarities that I think are in common with many bloggers.ReplyDelete
Good for you!ReplyDelete
Such an aching self-assessment. It aches because it confronts the truth so bravely. Please maintain that bravery by making sure that you are no longer on the side watching but in the water with Iris and Britanni. It will be a metaphorical declaration of your self-esteem. You have come through a lot Debby.ReplyDelete
Bravo Deb. I admire your friend's comment and love you and this blog. You've inspired this graying, floppy body parts, shy old broad. I dug out my ancient, unworn for 20 years, swim suit. It fell apart in my hands. Swear to gawd, I'm gonna buy a new one today and find me some water to test it out. XReplyDelete
Camille, you cannot imagine how happy I was to read your comment. So happy I had tears. It is always a wonderful thing to discover that there are others who worry about the same things I do.ReplyDelete
What a fabulous and honest post with a victory at the end.ReplyDelete
I've "known" you for more than twelve years, Debby, but I still found this post to be eye-opening. Brava!!ReplyDelete
Now that I am retired, old, divorced, I have found that I don't care what others think about me and find that I can just do what I like to do and wear what I want to wear.ReplyDelete
I was so glad to hear you bought a swimsuit and will enjoy getting in the water instead of watching from the side. That is a wonderful thing to remember for life - jump in when you want and don't be a watcher all of the time!
You are amazing!
As a self-conscious kindred spirit, I know of what you write here and appreciate your candor. I have not been immersed in water for about 20 years, mainly because I don't enjoy it that much but also because of the swimsuit thing and how generally, a man takes off his shirt when he wears one. Last summer when my two grandsons were here, they went to the local "splash pad" with my wife and others. When they got home, one of them said, "GrandBob you didn't go with us. I wanted you to go." Well, just open up my chest, take out my heart and stomp on it. There is a swimsuit in my future. (But I can still wear a tee shirt).ReplyDelete
I don't know any older woman who likes the sight of herself in a swimsuit (or much else really once the menopause pounds hit) but I feel very strongly that life's too short to sit on the edge and watch others living their lives while ours passes us by. In the end, who cares what they think right? I'm not mean and I don't talk bad about people so I reckon I also shouldn't have to give a toss if anyone thinks negative things about me. Go for it and enjoy yourself!ReplyDelete
Good for you. Your "pasty white legs" will take care of themselves now that you have a swim suit! And you'll be creating memories for Iris and Brittani.ReplyDelete
Bravo! What a brave post to write and I'm so glad you came to the right conclusion at the end! There can't be that many women who think they look perfect no matter what anyone else thinks. When I see the amount of makeup some young girls wear I feel so sorry for them covering up that beautiful young skin in an effort to look 'beautiful'. But I will also point out one thing everyone complains about and that is 'when you're over 50 you become invisible'. I use that to my advantage now! If I'm invisible, no one can see how ridiculous I look in my swimsuit or any other garment I choose to wear can they?? You'll have a great time in the water, I hope it's warm! xReplyDelete
Now, THAT is the most powerful post that I have ever read. JC xReplyDelete
Debbie, you hit something in me - the watching from the sideline, the never really fitting in. It's time to participate and for me too, even commenting on a blog post is big for me :-)ReplyDelete
Good for you. Now you will be the best grandma in the pool.ReplyDelete
KJ, I hope that you'll check in. Maybe we can encourage each other.ReplyDelete
Go you good thing!!ReplyDelete
I am going to give you another freedom.
When Tim next gives you a compliment, smile and say thank you. It is amazing what happens in the world when you don't "avert" a compliment.
We love you.
OMG woman, so much of what you wrote is how I feel. I cried as I read this. I'm not the only one and I know that but to have it written down was wonderful.ReplyDelete
I don't like my body either, never have sadly. I was tall and skinny and teased about my body although now I understand that I was teased because I was an easy mark and less so about my particular body.
I'm 58 now and we share the same name. I care less and less what others thing as I age but it's still hard.
I'm so glad you bought a bathing suit and will get to swim and play with your granddaughter. I want to hug you.
Awesome! You won't regret it.ReplyDelete
I read this post several days ago and came back today to re-read it, AND ALL the comments. I loved them, every one. Good for you for stepping out and deciding that you are going in that pool to have some fun!!ReplyDelete
I hope to read about your pooltime fun in a future post.
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