Wednesday, January 27, 2016


It seems like I fit into this world in a tentative sort of way. 

Like, maybe, I have lost my voice. 

I wasn't always like this. My kids were telling of their adventures at Christmas, and I listened to them laughing, amazed at their audacity. Dylan reminded me that I had my own streak of audacity, once upon a time. I knew right away that it was true. 

When happened? Why did it happen? I've been thinking a lot about this since then. 

A couple of weeks later, Andrew asked to speak with me after the service. He stood in front of me, and he said, "We were all talking the other day, and your name came up, and we think that we would like you to join us. You would be a good fit." And he stood there with his gentle Andrew face, waiting for my answer. 

Immediately, the reasons why I shouldn't, why I couldn't, why he was wrong, why I didn't fit at all, came pushing to the front of my mind. 

I struggled for a moment, but I remembered a time when I used to be audacious, and there arose in me such a hunger...

...that this time, I said yes. 

And all those thoughts and excuses that had pushed to the front of my mind stood transfixed at the sound of my voice. 


Kelly said...

Wait, wait... my brain's a little foggy right now. Exactly what did you say yes to?

Sometimes I wonder which of my incarnations is/was the "real me". I guess they all are, just changed by time and circumstances.

I'm glad you were bold. Now tell me what it means!

Bob said...

I think, Debby, that those of us who are reaching "upper" middle age, with families raised and finding ourselves, on occasion, with time on our hands, have to redefine ourselves a bit. It's sometimes fine, and appropriate, to say no. But there comes a time when, even though that "no" is ready to roll off our tongue, something deep inside of us says, "Yes." And in your case that might just be the start of rekindling that audacity. Keep us posted.

jeanie said...

Oooh - look at you, boom, boom, boom with posts when I turned my back for a moment!!

I am going through a major swathe of feeling like I am not fitting, and this post really resonated.

Will keep a watching from the sidelines until I get my mojo back, though...

ellie k said...

I have missed you.

Debby said...

Ellie, I have missed you too. I am sorry about your dear husband. I sent you an e-mail as soon as I heard. Take care. Stay in touch.

ellie k said...

Thank you Debbie, I was so broken up at the time I don't know if I thanked you or not. Five months has been such a short time and a long time in different ways.

Bush Babe said...

Oh GOOD... like Jeanie I have missed a couple of posts! Find your voice again Dear Deb. We love your voice. xx