Friday, February 21, 2014

Spring

It has been a rough winter here in my neck of the woods. Bitterly cold for days at a time. Any warm up at all seemed to bring with it huge amounts of snowfall. It almost came as a relief when temperatures started to fall again. Almost.

Wednesday afternoon, I had to go out at lunch time, and when I walked out the door, a warm breeze hit me. There were birds singing. The sky was dark, heavy with approaching rain. I stopped. It felt like spring, and my response to it was an almost visceral joy. We are going into our third day of moderate temperatures, and the rain has melted off a lot of ice. I had to wade to my car after work last night, through about 4 inches of water that was not there when I parked the car that morning. All these inconveniences seem minor after the long winter.

Other breaking news: William watched grandpa carrying in his new crossbow, and began to jump up and down yelling, "Grandpa bought a new gun! Yay for grandpa!" Grandpa had a very good week. He also bought a 1982 GMC truck. The truck is nearly completely original. William began to yell, "Grandpa bought a new truck. Yay for grandpa!" Watching the response again, I turned to Tim to ask, "Did you teach him to do this?" Tim assures me he did not, that William cannot help being a little boy who gets excited about trucks and guns.

William has turned three this week. He is active and lively, and will have a pirate themed birthday party with two of his cousins and a little girl from school. We will make eye patches and 'lights' and they will go looking for 'buried' treasure, and have a family supper afterwards.

The longer that his mother lives here, the more talking we are able to do. With that talking comes healing, for me, mostly. I've grieved over her for a long time now, and it has been difficult to watch her struggle through the years and not feel as if you have, as a mother, failed her somehow. Of all the things in the world that I could fail at, failing as a mother is the biggest shame of my life. But as we talk, she looks at me quizzically. She doesn't understand my grief. She doesn't think her life is my fault. She points out that I tried to warn her about this, or about that, that I tried to be a good mother, that I did the things that a good mother should do.

The seasons are changing. My little corner of the world begins to thaw. And for the first time, since that girl was 14, something is thawing inside of me too. The dark days grow brighter. A life current begins, once again, to flow inside, warming me.

10 comments:

KarenTX said...

Happy Birthday, William! Have a great party! So glad you and your daughter are connecting again.

Kelly said...

Aarrrrgh, matey! And a happy birthday to William!!

Spring has been trying to make an appearance here, too. The tree frogs called for rain for several days as the temp crept higher. It finally arrived yesterday (and quickly left), though a bit violently with high winds, thunder and lightning. At least we had no tornado warnings, unlike those to our east. It was below freezing again this morning, but the days are getting in the 60s and 70s. Nice.

Bob said...

Funny how a change in seasons is metaphorical. I'm happy for you.

Vest said...

I hope the mould you were made from stays with us for all eternity. love your philosophy.

jeanie said...

We even enjoy those 4 inches of water when you know the thaw means spring.

Got a little water in my eyes reading that for you and B also - that is so beautiful - I am so glad you could be there for each other (and Grandpa and Henry have each other right there too)

Anonymous said...

Springtime thoughts to you. Tracking # xoyzlmnop due to arrive just after winter is gone.
- Bill said that

Debby said...

Bill? Alaska Bill? Zat you? Not sure what you're waiting on, but if it's scheduled to arrive after winter is gone, well, I'm excited for it's arrival as well!

Anonymous said...


Debby, Sorry I'm just plain ole Bill from the valley of the great Ohio River.
- Bill said that

Debby said...

Well, plain ole Bill, if you are from the Ohio river valley, then, sir you are pining for spring just as much as we are here in NW PA. I'm willing to be excited about # xozylmnop if it's due to arrive after spring.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like things are going just the way they should for you all finally and you have spring all around you. Don't lose heart if the spring backslides just a little bit because you deserve the best.
We won't say 'no' to some of that rain though - but not the cold thankyou - we need to give the grass a bit of mild weather to grow the grass here first.
Happy happy birthday to William.
Love Barbx