Last night I went to bed a 9 PM. The night before that, I woke up at 3 AM from a nightmare, and never did fall back asleep. My mind being what it is began to whirl off into why I would have dreamt such a dream, and what did it mean. Then I began to incorporate it into that book that I am writing in my head....long story short, suddenly the alarm clock was ringing and I was tired as heck but had to get up anyway.
Yesterday, at work, I realized how this whole situation there has changed my perspective.
I had a glowing moment with a client who doesn't look at you. She can talk but she doesn't. I asked hera question and then waited for the answer...30 seconds...1 min...suddenly, it came...she whispered "Yes."
It was a great moment, and my heart nearly burst with the thrill of it, but I just quietly tied off her necklace, and placed it around her head, telling her how pretty she was. I told her that I would see her next week, and then, on a whim, I held out my arms and said, "Do I get a hug?" And with a shy smile, she walked into my arms and stood there with her head against my shoulder.
I walked out of the room satisfied with my day's work.
Thinking about the job, I felt so terrible about the cut in hours. It was offered up with criticisms. I have discovered that things are not what they seemed, initially. Once the shame and the disappointment eased, I have re-discovered that I actually am very good at what I do. I have re-realized that it fills me with satisfaction. I am good with people. I can connect.
I was trying to explain it to Cara. "It sounds like I'm bragging, but..." and she stopped me with a simple, "Mom. Sometimes you should brag. I'm proud of you."
I felt sort of a wonder at that.
It's a fit, where I am, with my clients, but the job itself is very 'clique-y'. It is the sort of place where it is best not to interact any more than necessary with co-workers, because it becomes hot gossip around the lunch table. An example? I was walking down the hall when I looked over to see a PT talking to a speech therapist. Another OT hissed "Ooooh. A LOVE interest?" I looked at her, surprised. I know that the PT is a gabber, like me. We've stopped and talked, as far as that goes. I had seen the same scene that my co-worker had, but I saw two people talking in a friendly way. I didn't know how to respond, but I knew that I had heard how she would speak about me the minute she saw something rude to say. I saw someone who would be forever a work acquaintance. Never a friend. That's how the clinic is.
But I do what I do for myself. I enjoy what I do. I enjoy the magic of connecting. It amazes me every time that it happens, and excuse me if I sound like a braggart, but it does happen. It happened again today. I do what I do for the client. I will continue to work the hours I have left to me, and I will fill those other hours with substitute positions. Making the decision to keep my head down and work hard and try my best to ignore the rest of it was the wise thing to do, even though it was difficult. People have watched me, and people have come to compliment me on my professionalism, and on the work that I do.
And so the cold knot of disappointment and shame has begun to loosen inside me, being replaced with something warmer. The season is changing.
Last night, coming out of the gym, I listened to the peepers.
It is spring.
Last night I went to bed early because I was worn out from a long day and the sleepless night before it. I fell asleep, soundly, right away. I woke up, briefly to hear the rain outside and a crack of thunder, and I smiled half awake in the dark.
It is spring.
This morning, the alarm went off, and I got up and wandered to the kitchen to make coffee. I did not need to turn on the heater. The ceramic tile of the office floor did not feel freezing to my feet.
It is spring.