I've been just sick inside since my hours have been cut. Predictably, I responded the way that I normally respond to things like this, by turning the glare of the spotlight on myself, and doing a running inventory of all my flaws and short comings.
There are a lot of them.
I haven't been able to cry over this, so I've just plodded through the last couple days feeling sick to my stomach (good news: when you are trying to lose poundage, this definately helps...) I'm not fun to be around. Tim has been encouraging, but when I thought on all of our sacrifices for me to go to school, I felt even more worthless and ashamed. When I went to bed, I did not sleep.
But these sorts of things do not last forever. They can't. Last night, Mary called. She invited me to go to her church's Ash Wednesday service. I think, as much as I love my friend, I will go back to the Episcopal church, to hear the Anglican service, to hear the words of my childhood once again. But after speaking with her, it did occur to me that this whole thing is coinciding with Lent.
I wondered why.
I received another call. My sister Anna has been through this same thing as a new nurse. It was a very hard time for her. She wanted permission to kidnap me for the day for girl time. She's so funny, and together, we find a lot to laugh about. Tim thought it was a good idea, and so I'll go.
Last night, I went to bed, and my stomach felt better than it had for two days. The knot seemed to be easing, a bit, anyway. I lay there thinking in the dark and it occured to me that I've known this feeling quite often in my life. I have a lot of self doubts. I decided to stop ticking them off one by one and focus on what I know for sure.
What I know for sure is that every hard time brings with it some positives. I have never had a hard time that was not touched by grace and growth.
I will look for that here.
What I know for sure is that in the midst of that conversation with my supervisor, there were positive things said.
I will hold those things close.
What I know for sure is that in all my life, I've managed to sidestep bitterness. I mean, it happens, but it seems to be a brief thing. There is something in my heart that just cannot maintain it for long periods. I've seen bitter, angry people, and it seems like such a waste of a life. No matter what good happens, they don't seem to be aware of it, focused as they are on the unjustness of their lives. That's not me.
I will be grateful for that.
There are holes in our system which need to be addressed, and I can do that, now that I have some breathing space.
I will look for opportunities to excel.
In the meantime, what I will do is walk the path that has been laid out. Will I look for a new job? Yes. But I will continue to do the part of the job that has been left to me to the very best of my ability. I will swallow my disappointment. I will be grateful for the experience. I will continue to love my clients. I will quit worrying about what everyone else is saying (or not saying), and I will listen more to what God is saying (or not saying).
In the end, we'll see what happens. I will either be working for this company, or working some place else.
But what I know for sure is that in the end, I'll still be standing.