It has been a quiet week here. I've struggled to come to grips with the changes, and my own feelings of failure. I have discovered that I care far more than I should about what people think, and what people are saying. I also realized that I am afraid. A lot. I walk around with a nugget of fear inside of me that every good thing that I have can be taken away from me at the drop of a hat. That has been sucking a great deal of joy out of life for a good long time.
Introspection is never a fun time.
But in the midst of the not fun time, I have received good and honest counsel from a friend who I can rely on to see things clearly.
I have rearranged the living room. Sounds small, but felt productive. I was happy with the results.
I was kidnapped by my sister. It was a fun day. Lots of laughter in equal portions with serious discussions.
I just happened to drive by the church I attended as a teen just before the Ash Wednesday service, and on a whim pulled in. I was greeted by name although I had not been there since my mother's funeral. The words of the Book of Common Prayer wrapped themselves around me in a very comforting way, and the responses came from me automatically as if I'd never been been away.
I got roses for Valentine's day. I am a lucky woman with a good, good man.
William came and spent the day with grandma and grandpa. I gave him 'jewels' in small empty bottles. He opened the bottles one by one and dropped those jewels into a larger soft drink bottle. He was fascinated and spent a long time on that (follows two step directions, hand-eye coordination, bilateral hand use, crossing the midline) and then pushed a chair up to the sink to help grandma add a heaping helping of silver glitter to his bottle of gems. We added water, coloring, and then for sheer magic, dropped a water light in. He was beside himself at that point, and I took the bottle from him to hot glue the cap on. He loved that thing.
The bottle went from room to room with him. It went to Wendy's with him. At the end of the day, a tired crying boy went home, clutching his balloon...and his slowly changing light.
A lot of small things have been adding up in an interesting way.