It's one thing to be different on the outside, but it is another thing altogether to be different on the inside.
My company is in the midst of change. This change does not affect me, a newcomer, as much as it affects those who have been there a long time. I came in with the changes in effect. I am doing it 'the new way', because it is the only way that I know. Those who have done things 'the old way' are a bit more resentful at the forced change.
I have a negative worksite. Just one. I fit in well everywhere else. It's obvious that I am new, but I work hard, listen hard, and try my very very best.
But there is that one worksite. I have tried to be mindful of their feelings, but it's been difficult and uncomfortable. I am replacing someone who left after 10 years in the position, and I am viewed as the one who 'took her job'. Each time that I ask a question, I see their frustration at training the new girl, when they had someone who knew her job without asking questions.
I have resorted to trying to ask as few questions as possible. It is not working. I need more input. I need some training. I have reacted as I always react in these situations. I have found myself feeling pressured and harried, and when I am harried, I do stupid things...I forget my cell phone, or leave papers lying about or try to hurry and appear stupider than I am.
Today, I decided, after another sleepless night, to do it differently. Today, I will speak to my supervisor directly. I will ask her why she thinks that I am struggling here. I will wait to for her answers. Once I know how she feels, I will tell her how I feel. I will assure her that I want very much to be a functional member of this team. Then I will ask her how we can make that happen.
Today, I will be different on the inside. I will not suffer silently, agonizing, berating myself for being stupid. Today I will approach the job as a professional.