Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Sleepless

I've begun job hunting.

I didn't expect that, but what I am finding is that I am very interested in focusing on behavior modification. I do have that capability of moving into that eventually, but where I currently work needs people in my position and you have to stay in that position for six months after hiring on. I saw jobs posted in the field that I am interested in, but they require a year with the company.

Do I lock myself into a difficult position for one year? My knee jerk response was to do just that, but I realized this: we spent a lot of money to get me to this point. I'm currently working a job that requires a high school education. Nothing more. It is a low paying job, and staying in this job adds nothing to my resume that is not already there. I've done this kind of work for a great portion of my life in a wide variety of settings.

I am working nights now, and yesterday afternoon I woke up to go to the...well...I woke up. Never you  mind. But when I came back to bed, I tossed and turned, sleepless. I was making a decision. Bob commented a while back that I was doing 'God's work', and I agreed with him. I still do. The small moments when you 'break through to a client', when a nonverbal man stops screaming and looks you square in the eye, or when a man who sits in corner muttering to himself comes over to mutter to you, well, I wouldn't trade them for anything. I feel like I'm making a difference and that is all that I ever thought that I wanted to do.

I found myself torn between doing right by those clients, and doing right by myself. I lay awake feeling selfish and ashamed. If I'm doing God's work, then I should trust that I will wind up doing what I'm meant to be doing. On the same token, why in the world did I spent all that money if I can't bring myself to break away from what I know and use that degree?

I wrestled with that for several hours and came up with this: I will apply. I'll begin looking for jobs that are directly in my field working towards the direction I want to head with this career of mine. I'll see what doors open. I'll make a decision then.

But, man, do I feel guilty.

Behavior modification is what I'm interested in...and think that this creature of habit needs to look at modifying her own.

7 comments:

Lynda Halliger-Otvos said...

Ya, when doors open, we get to decide if we want to walk thru them. But yes, we have to be able to see the doors as they open and it seems that you are doing the right thing to get in sight of the openings.

ellie k said...

Debby go for it, life if too short to let it slip by in a job that is just a job, you should be doing what you studied for and be in the field you want.

Laura Jane said...

go for it Deb!

You will make a difference wherever you are - you are a bloom wherever you grow kinda gal.

However its no good taking an unused qualification with you to heaven!

So step up, you'll LOVE the challenge and will achieve things you never thought possible.

jeanie said...

I think it is a good idea to keep your eyes and ears open - and to put your foot into semi-opened doors.

Don't forget to drop your CV with all the bells and whistles in to your workplace also, so that they know that, while you are impressive at what you are doing for them right now, you would be even more so should they look at their policy of possibly letting a gem like you get away.

Anonymous said...

Debby, Stop feeling guilty. You don't give yourself enough credit. God enabled you to get your education and has a plan for you to use it. You'll find that job. And He will send someone to do your present job, Surely not as well as you, because you are special. Which is why He has prepared you for bigger and better things where you can do even more good. Go for it! Love ya nad pray for all to work out. Judy

Bob said...

Guilt is a wasted emotion. Stop feeling guilty now (please).

You'll get where you are supposed to be.

You were doing God's work when you worked at the convenience store, at Tractor Supply and where you are now. You'll be doing it at the next place.

Cool how that works, don't you think?!

BUSH BABE said...

Gosh my sister is SMART... and she speaks from experience. You HAVE to value yourself or how the HECK can you expect anyone else to? Who knows what may happen? And the kicker is that (in your field) you are ALWAYS helping people who need you!
:-)
BB