Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Navel Gazing

What is it about me? I love people, and a lot of people think highly of me. However, there are a lot of people that can't stand me at all. I suppose that is because I have a habit of looking at a situation very unemotionally (although I am a very emotional person), and people don't like that directness sometimes.

I am shy, although I can talk to a stump. I dunno. I can't figure it out either. But I can tell you that I have a hard time remembering faces, because I spend a lot of time looking down. As Garrison Keillor would put it, "You can tell the introverts from the extroverts right away. The introverts stare at their shoes. The extroverts stare at yours."

I love to socialize. I love to be alone.

Situations where I am the center of attention make me uncomfortable, and that is why I don't plan to attend my graduation ceremony. I can celebrate that piece of paper right anywhere (and believe me, I will...), even sitting in the audience of Cara's graduation ceremony. Which occurs (conveniently) on the self same day.

I don't know how to be mad in the correct way. I cannot express it, properly. I am always ashamed of it. I always feel that it's unjustified, even when it is not.

Life has been difficult for me, and the thing that I am proudest of is that I am not a bitter person. However, that being said, I am a very wary person, and when I discover that someone cannot be trusted, I tend to skitter away quickly, and avoid them as well as the chaos that I am sure will follow if I let them into my life. Chaos frightens me. I like order. Predictability. Change is wonderful, but I like change to be my choice.

I don't seem to fit, sometimes, and I am afraid that this college degree will mean nothing if I do not learn how to fit.

9 comments:

A Novel Woman said...

Maybe you're over thinking everything?

Maybe you should just....be.

Anonymous said...

My husband had a very sad childhood but is a very upbeat man now, he said his childhood taught him that he did not want to live his life like that, he turned out to be a really great person and loves people. He can talk to anyone.

Bob said...

I can't believe there is anyone who "can't stand" you. Just can't believe it.

Mikey said...

Stop that. I can't believe there's anyone who doesn't like you, and if there is, there's something wrong with them.
I'm going to tell you something I've been meaning to for a long time, especially in light of your new career. To me, you remind me SO MUCH of the Evelyn Couch character in Fried Green Tomatoes. That's just how I picture you. Taking care of people in a way that's so very necessary, really CARING. You are a beautiful person in everything you do, and have gone through so much since I've "met" you, and always, ALWAYS with dignity and grace.
Keep your chin up, and go to that graduation so your friends and family can celebrate and cheer for YOU! I just wish I could be there and give you the biggest hug.

jeanie said...

I remember when things were pretty tough for me when 'Salina was little, and I was feeling so judged about just about everything - living in nuclear-family-ville with happy families and their nice cars and their SAH mummies and their dreams of perfect futures, while I was there without much of any of that at all.

I was very lucky to have someone stop and and say how other people are feeling judged themselves, and often those who are the most cutting to others are covering their own perceived imperfections.

It was great - I got to feel sorry for those who I thought were looking down their noses at me, and saw that some of them were actually okay people. I also got to move back to my old neighbourhood eventually, but that time in "nuclear-family-ville" did teach me at least that little bit...

It is a pity that your graduation is the same time as Cara's - you should let those who love you celebrate your attainment, even if the ceremony is elsewhere.

Debby said...

No worries, Jeanie! Graduation will be celebrated, have no fear. I will be the happiest mother in the seats at Clarion, and I will be sitting next to a proud husband and father. We will celebrate our hard work and good fortune.

Bob Barbanes: said...

Wow Debby, I could have written that post- especially the first three sentences - but the whole thing too! I used to fret over such qualities, actually wondering if I too have some sort of psychological defect that makes me hard to get along with, or causes me to run against the grain so much. But now I simply shrug and don't give a crap; I've made peace with myself. Like you, I'm not bitter and I refuse to be. I'm not going to die angry at the world...for whatever reason.

And when that eventually, inevitably happens, some are going to say, "Too bad, what a great guy." But some are also going to say, "What an a-hole, I guess there is cosmic justice after all." You know what? I'm okay with both. I'm sure you are too.

I can...we all can...tell you're a wonderful, admirable person who makes a positive difference in the lives of those who come in contact with her.

I just wish I lived closer so I could frequent that dang Tractor Supply store.

BUSH BABE said...

What???? If they cant stand you they just dont know you... You have a heart the size of Phar Laps. (typing on phone while away from home ~ forgive the punctuation!)
:-)
BB

Pencil Writer said...

Dichotomy I believe is the word. We, each of us, is a compilation of opposites. I'm a pretty confident person in some settings and not in others. I used to be horribly shy. When I believe something strongly I say what I think, and often don't let it go. But, I'm learning to contemplate more about differences of opinion and cut some people a little slack.

When I've felt "cut down" by people I have great esteem for, I worry about what I might have done, and then realize that we're all human. We have good points about us and not so good ones. Life was never meant to be a smooth ride. Who would ever learn anything about compassion if everything came without effort?

You, as many of your friends have already stated, are a wonderful, caring person. You are not perfect. But then, no one else is either. You probably intimidate people with your boldness when you feel something strongly. That's why they bristle and give you grief. Perhaps they haven't come to terms with the learning curve of compassion, just yet. Pray for them that they might. Just "Keep on swimming. Keep on swimming." (Did you see Dora in Finding Nemo?)

Keep smiling and doing good. The blessing will keep coming--but probably not w/o a few more potholes and speed bumps along the way!