Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Fear

I used to sit with the dying, and it was not a problem for me. I felt it a priviledge to be there, and I felt that it was a deeply holy time.

Then came the cancer.

My friend Bevvie died after an 8 year battle with metatastic breast cancer. I stayed away. I just couldn't stand to see that. I haven't passed my magical five year mark, and I quit the tamoxifen after a year, so...I...well...

Today, I stood there at the funeral home, and I saw her big family. I saw her smile over and over again, shining from the faces of relatives who looked like her, shining from the pictures that filled the room. Everyone remembered her with such great love.

Bev did not have an easy life. But despite that, she lived life with an open heart. She loved, and was loved in return. Like me, she was not a bitter person. Unlike me, she was not a fearful person.

I am a fearful person.

I feel things, very deeply. I loved my friend. But I was afraid to go to her, and that shames me. And now I cannot go to her.

6 comments:

Caroline said...

Don't be ashamed. Sometimes things hit a little too close to home and we need to pull back for a bit.

Scotty said...

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your friend, Debby.

Perhaps, on a quiet day, a small prayer at her headstone might ease your pain a little...

BUSH BABE said...

The pain and fear are yours. So is the guilt. I think it's misplaced, that guilt. I know I would feel the same in the same position... I think we all know instictively what we can cope with and what we cannot.

Go easy on yourself.
:-)
BB

jeanie said...

Be kind to yourself, Debby. I am sorry that you lost your friend.

Country Girl said...

Just arrived from Bush Babe's site to find your heartfelt post.
Yes, I think we instinctively know how much we can handle, and I do understand your shame, as does your friend. Please be gentle on yourself.

Mary Paddock said...

I am so very sorry, Deb. And I think I understand. My bet is your friend did to. Scotty's suggestion is exactly what I would recommend.