Monday, August 29, 2011

In the Dark


My mother and I have spent long years not being close, and there is a lot that I don't know about her. Sitting in the dark by her hospital bed, I learned that she likes to sleep with her arms thrown up over her head when she sleeps on her back. I do that. Tim always thought that it was cute, like a baby sleeps. I know now that I get that from my mother.

When she sleeps on her side, she uses two pillows. I knew without asking how to arrange them. I use two pillows myself. She tucks her hand beneath her cheek. I do too.

Even though I look like my father, I know that my blue eyes are her eyes, that my thin hair is her thin hair, and that my low self esteem is her low self esteem. We probably have other things in common, but I will never know what they are. Not now. I sit in the dark of her bedroom, and I count her respirations by her moan on the exhale. I touch her cold hands. I watch the clock, unable to tear my eyes from it, watching the minutes tick past, one at a time.

I remember a soap she used to watch. A somber voice would tell us "Like sand through an hour glass, these are the days of our lives." I sit in the dark thinking.

11 comments:

Scotty said...

That's very touching, Debby, and my thoughts are with you during this difficult time.

A Novel Woman said...

I'm so sorry Debby, but my thoughts are with you. I hope you know that.

Mary Paddock said...

I'm sorry for the tough time Deb. You'll be in my prayers tonight.

WhiteStone said...

My prayers are with you and your mother.

Pencil Writer said...

May the Lord bless you and your mother in this difficult time.

BUSH BABE said...

As important as birth.. this time will matter. Not that it won't be hard. Big hugs.
BB

Kelly said...

Saying some prayers for you, Deb. (((hugs)))

Mrs.Spit said...

I'm sorry Debby. This is the last thing we owe to the dying, but that does not make it easy. Sending strength and love.

jeanie said...

Hugs thoughts and prayers from me too Deb.

Bob said...

Hugs and prayers

quid said...

I know how hard this is. I try not to dwell on the really terrific relationship I had with my mom when I find others around me had more of the dysfunctional-mother-expo.

On the contrast side, I only had her for 29 years. Too little. I am now about a month older than she was before she died. Sigh.

My thoughts, my hopes are with you both. Quid