Wednesday, May 18, 2011

This Morning

This morning, I woke up with a start. I had not heard my alarm go off, and it was nearly 8 AM. Almost immediately, I remembered: The semester is over. I didn't have school. I nestled under the covers and laughed a little to myself. Tim stirred. Probably doesn't remember what it is like to have a wife who does not start each day with a groan.

I did laundry. I folded laundry. I cleaned. Tomorrow, I am getting up early and going to the new house with Tim to meet the carpet cleaners, who are going to take a look at the carpeting on the second and third floors of the house. I'll have the morning to putter around there. I will finally have a chance to plant my asparagus. It just feels good to have this quiet time just for catching up.

When I called myself a jackass in the previous post, it was not because I was happy. Shoot. I'm still happy about finals being done. What I am a jackass for is allowing myself to get so worked up about things that don't matter in the great scheme of things. Compared to dying, finals are nothing, and yet I fretted myself stupid about them. Don't you think that I'd have a better perspective on things?

In an odd irony, today, Tim saw the husband of my friend who died. Tim saw him shambling across the parking lot to the bank. He stopped and he said to Tim, "Did you know that my wife died?" Tim said, awkwardly, "Yes. We read that. We are sorry to hear the news." Bob told Tim, "It was such a surprise."

I guess that's something that will always, privately, scare me a little. The fact that you can, one day, dealing with cancer, but living a fairly normal life, and then suddenly you're sick, and then dying for heavens sake. Just like that.


Bill of Wasilla said...

We are all jackasses in our own ways and, as far as jackasses, I think you are a pretty good one. And who is to say - those finals were as important as dying - more even. When you took the finals, you were living.

I continue to be sorry for your friend and continue to believe that you have much time ahead of you yet.

BUSH BABE said...

I know. Well I don't KNOW. But I get a glimpse of that. I guess deep down we always expect the miracle. Anything otherwise must be an impossibility. So glad you are our little miracle.

jeanie said...

There are only 3 guaranteed things in life, Deb - the third (often unsaid) is we are alive right now. It is hard to remember that and embrace it.

Kelly said...

I worry about far more things than I should. As for that jackass business... well, there are a few other things besides worry that I've been guilty of which would be better served by that label.

Enjoy your freedom and happiness of the moment!!

nancyspoint said...

While we know life's small things shouldn't get us worked up, of course they often still do. Finals would scare me pretty good! Glad they are over and you have some time off.

And once you've had cancer, those little scary thoughts creep in too often don't they?