Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Bad day.

Been a discouraging day. Not any one thing, not really. The weather sucks, chance of rain tuning to snow tonight. *sigh* And there appears to be a glitch in the signing of the new house. There's some incomplete paperwork that the bank refuses to tidy up. Our lawyer said he needs to speak with us. That doesn't bode well. *sigh* You know that project that I whipped out last night? I met with my group this morning, showed them what I had. Everyone claimed to be pleased, but I overheard a complaint later. I am confused. Truly. No one met. No one responded to e-mail, save the girl who'd found a video. Yet she complained to another that it had been 'thrown together the night before'. She went to her dorm room and refused to take part. I feel old and foolish and ashamed, but yet I'm not sure why. *sigh* Brianna commented tonight that she doesn't want William to grow up in a house with fighting, like she did. It's the truth. My last marriage was not a good one. I told her that I was glad she was taking action in her own life, because if she failed William, that failure would haunt her for the rest of her life. I'm glad to see her stepping up to the plate, yet ashamed of my own failures too. *sigh* I have had the disconcerting experience of being embarrassed to speak in class. It feels as if the teacher is deliberately misunderstanding what I am saying. We were talking about anxiety disorders, and he talked about the fact that sometimes people fake anxiety disorders to get meds. I commented that perhaps medication should not be the treatment of choice... and he said, "So, if someone comes in psychotic and delusional you don't think they should be medicated. Interesting." Surprised, I said, "Um. I thought we were talking about anxiety..." And he said, "Oh. You're talking about anxiety." I tried to continue, because I felt like I'd look stupid if I stopped right where I was. I started again. "If a person has anxiety issues and you prescribed some sort of group therapy, if they did have anxiety they'd be willing to try it..." and he said, "What if they have a social phobia?" I looked at him and he looked back. "I am not meaning to give offense here. What I am trying to say is that if someone is coming to you in hopes of getting drugs, if you begin with a non medical intervention first, he will head out the door to look for a doctor who will give him what he wants. A person with a true anxiety disorder would be more likely to give therapy a chance. You might be able to weed out substance abusers that way." He was standing in front of the class with his head down and I felt as if I were trying his patience. He did say that I had a very good point, but I felt ashamed for talking. He'd asked for discussion, so I don't understand that shame, but I felt it anyway. *sigh* I sit here in my house with 1001 things that I should be doing but what I am going to do is go to bed and curl up with my book 'Malcolm'. Sometimes a person just needs to step back and take a break. I need a break. I've lost my focus.


BUSH BABE said...

Hang in there ... things are strung tight at the moment. Trust in your own judgement. Chase that paperwork hitch though - that house is meant to be yours!!!!

Pencil Writer said...

I think we should swap weather for about a day. I think there are lots of people (teachers) that try to "look good" at someone else's expense and others are digging to see if a student or other person in a "debate" kind of situation will stand their ground or cave under fire, so to speak. I say a person should stick by what they believe, even sometimes when it's awkward. And I sometimes play devil's advocate--gently--when I try to get students to not give the pat answers, ones where they're on automatic pilot. I like having students who think and think deeply about what we're discussing and are willing to voice their thoughts and beliefs. I usually learn something very insightful in the process!

Sleep well, Debby, and go forth with faith again tomorrow!

Mary Paddock said...


So many tensions in one day--they amplify one another, don't they?

Do take that break. In with the good air, out with the bad. You're almost to the end.

Anonymous said...

You are beating yourself up too much Deb. Maybe the teacher was in need of a little help for something in his personality. They are as human as the rest of us. Perhaps his wife told him off last night. Who knows?
But you are not a 'failure'. You are an achiever who has done wonders with her life, and I am sure all who know you would say 'amen' to that also. You are a liitle(!?) tired and dealing with too many things at the moment. Go to bed and get a good long sleep - my prescription right now - or asap. You will deal with things more easily if refreshed. Also you are a totally worthwhile, caring, imaginative, clever and kind and good person.

So be kind to yourself and do a lttle self care right now. Give yourself a big hug and a nice soft pillow.

See you in the morning
Love Barbx

Bill of Wasilla said...

I hope you instructor reads this blog. He has no business making you feel ashamed.

Sorry that your day was a tough one.

jeanie said...


Firstly, I am so sorry that so many little irrits made this day snowball for you.

I do hope that Henry grows up in a loving home full of understanding - and that parental disagreements are dealt with in a manner that does not give anxiety.

It is unfortunate that your group chose the path of b!tching about the work that one put in rather than to pull together. Sometimes shame is camouflaged by criticism - it is easier (for some people) to hit out at others than to look into the mirror.

Perhaps the tutor was trying to throw you off guard to highlight how anxiety could manifest? Who knows - there are terms about such people regarding the status of his parents that could be bandied if I were the sort to bandy in such ways.

But the main thing Deb - the main thing is you got to the other end and at the final end of this, you are still going to be awesome!!

steviewren said...

If you feel good about what you said you shouldn't let someone else's attitude or opinion make you feel bad. None of us will ever be loved or even liked by everyone we meet in life. Let those that aren't fans slide off your back. Hold your head up high. You have lots to contribute to the world.

A Novel Woman said...

Sometimes teachers say "discussion" but they mean "just listen to what I have to say because I'm the authority." When someone challenges their thinking, they feel threatened, especially when it's by a mature student who isn't as easily intimidated as the younger ones. Did you consider it's not you, it's him?

I hope the house goes through. It was meant to be. Don't back down.

Kelly said...

I'm glad you stepped back and took a break. You needed it.

Try not to dwell on what's past. Whether it be your first marriage, your project in class, whatever. The past is just that...past.

We all have bad days. I hope things get better for you as the week concludes. You have a lot of folks who love and care about you.

This too shall pass.