Friday, February 25, 2011

Trying Something New

Oy. What a horrible, awful snowy day. Wet. Slushy. I hate driving in that. Nothing was plowed. NOTHING. I got stuck. I decided halfway to school that I did not want to go to school, but decided that there was no sense in turning around at that point. I drove on, and I slid and I spun, and it was the scariest darn ride ever, let me tell you. I got to school 25 minutes late, but I was glad to get there at all. Everyone was surprised to see me. Most folks from Pennsylvania had not made it in.

At noon, I was done with school, and began the trip home. I was horrified to see that the roads were still not plowed. So I slid, and I spun, and I got myself back to my little town. Heading out the door to school this morning...definately not a good decision.

I had an appointment with the oncologist today. The tests were all good, as previously reported. I'm glad for that, don't get me wrong. It's just difficult to keep a positive attitude when you feel like crap. The bone pain is getting worse, and it's become a struggle. I worry about painkillers. I worry about the side effects. I cannot be dope-y. I cannot be drowsy. I drive every day. Today, for the first time, I felt as if we were on the same page, and that felt good. She seemed to understand that I was not trying to be difficult, that I have a lot of stuff on my plate right now, and I do not have the time to experiment with things.

She looked at me. I looked at her. She said, "Have you ever thought about stopping the tamoxifen, just to see if it makes a difference."

"Yes," I said. Every morning when I take the pill, but I didn't tell her that.

And so it was decided. I will stop taking tamoxifen for three weeks. "Could you keep a journal of the pain?" and I said yes. We have an appointment in three weeks to re-evaluate the situation. I walked out of that office, and I called Tim, and it surprised me how relieved I was. The possibility of being pain free...oh, gosh. I'm feeling good about this decision.

People have asked about my column. I think that this link should work.

6 comments:

Kelly said...

I just don't know how you drive in that stuff!

I hope stopping the tamoxifen stops your pain.

Bill of Wasilla said...

Pain free - I'm pulling for you.

jeanie said...

Just read your comment - awesome!!

I have a girlfriend I was talking to this week who told me she is changing the habit of negative thinking.

She had a terrible childhood and has had some awful experiences in life that would truly embitter a person.

She told me how she is now consciously CHOOSING what she is thinking about and how she thinks about it. If negative thoughts come in, she forgives (if it is required) and then consciously tells her brain she doesn't need to dwell on that any more.

She swears by it, and talking to her she is glowing down the phone!!

I truly hope that you do get to embrace that inner-Debby that those around you see.

Oh - and good luck to pain being lessened.

WhiteStone said...

Loved your column! Thanks for linking us to it.

quid said...

Loved the column, especially what your ex-husband told you. I hope that giving up the tamoxifen works for you. Fingers crossed.

quid

Jayne said...

(((hugs)))
Fingers crossed you have a good report for your oncologist.
As for driving in that snow? You're game!