I know that taking on another job sounds crazy, doesn't it? But the thing is, this job is only 8-10 hours a week, and it is at the school. I have 3 days a week, where I have blocks of time between classes, in one case, from 9:45 until 1 PM. So it would be a way to fill up this 'empty time'. Yes. I could use that for studying too, and I will have the flexibility to switch back and forth if need be.
Since my discussion with my advisor last fall, I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I've also been doing a lot of people watching, assessing them (and myself). My strengths are that I am smart and that I am a hard worker. My weaknesses are that I do not have a lot of self confidence. I am also a very casual person, truth be told. I'm likable. I am funny. I am nice, but I am not professional. I am not polished. If I am striving to be a professional person, I have to learn the ins and outs of dressing professionally, of making a good impression, how to interact with other professional people. That sort of thing. I'm 53 years old and have never had a professional job. Never.
I had an interesting conversation with Cara the other day. We were talking about guys. She said, matter of factly, "I'm a great woman. The man who'll get me will be a lucky man." I was a little taken aback. I looked at her, and the words pushing to the front of my brain were all cautionary...'don't get big headed' or 'pride goeth before a fall'. But looking at her, what I saw on her pretty little face was, plainly put, what she thought of herself. And because she valued herself, she will not (and has not) fallen for the first fellow who's come by. She's well liked, with plenty of friends who are boys, but no boyfriends. She's dropped a boy who was fiscally irresponsible. She's dropped a boy because he didn't buy his mother a Mother's Day gift. Her thinking followed the line of 'his parents support him, his parents sacrifice to send him to college, he lives at home when he's not at college, and he is so selfish that he sees no need to buy his mother a gift on mother's day?!!!! Cara does not date selfish men!' I looked at this girl once again, and what I saw was someone who knew her own worth, and someone who would not settle for anyone who (number one) values her less than she values herself, and (number two) has substantially different values. Whoever gets Cara will have to be wise and considerate. That is not a bad thing. My cautionary words died on my lips. "Yes," I agreed.
I have never felt that way about myself. Never in my life. I have made bad mistakes because I looked for my value in the eyes of others, unable to see the value of my own self. I respond to everything on an emotional level ~ I take care of people, I love people: those are the good things. I also feel insecure and unworthy and guilty a lot. I feel as if everything is my fault. I've noticed that people who are polished and professional are able to, at some level, lay their emotions aside, to focus on what they are doing, and do it well. They exude confidence. They speak easily. Okay. Yeah. That part I have down. Maybe I need to focus on not talking so much. If I get this job (and I don't know that I will...as noted, I am severely lacking in professionalism), it would put me in an arena where I would be practicing the skills that will make a big difference in my life. In effect, I'd be getting paid as I learned them.
So, no. I'm not overburdening myself. I see a lack in myself that needs to be addressed. I see an opportunity to address that lack. I'm jumping at the opportunity.