Thursday, November 11, 2010

There's Going to be an Evolution...

It will be a blessing to hand in that essay today. I'm so glad to be done with it. My problem is that I'm used to sitting down and hammering out a project is a day. This project was big enough, I had so much other stuff going on, that I got only half of it written. I'm so self critical that every time that I came back to it, I'd wind up doing a massive rewrite of what I'd already written. I finally decided that I could no longer do that. I took a deep breath, opened the document Monday afternoon, scrolled to the end of it, and began writing. I spent an entire afternoon on it, and was bleary eyed at the end of it. But it was done. I re-read it last night, and I was not satisfied with it. I resisted the urge to begin re-writing, though. Last night, I created the title page, I numbered the pages, and I printed it off. 'It is what it is,' I thought. It's the first time that I've applied that phrase to school, but I've got too many projects going on to be a perfectionist. In fact, being a perfectionist at this point of the game will actually hurt me, not help me.

In an e-mail, 'Manda commented that she was enjoying watching me evolve. That was an interesting thought. Me? Evolving? Really? I guess that I hadn't really noticed that. I suppose that it is hard to see that 'from the inside looking out.' I see the insecurities and the self doubt and the fears, and not much beyond that. But I've been thinking on her words a lot. Last night, when, with a sigh, I hit 'ctrl' and 'p' and that essay began to print, I said, resolutely, 'It is what it is,' and I realized that my friend was right. I'm at a new place. I guess it is right to say that I have evolved.

Once Tim and I went to a fancy restaurant while we were dating. Last night, driving home from school, I saw the sign for it, and thought, "You know, when I graduate, we should go there again, to celebrate," and then was a little shocked to realize what I had just thought. I'd never been able to think far enough ahead to consider graduating. I doubted my abilities as a student. I still do, in the middle of the night, sometimes, wonder whether the cancer will come back. I've been plugging away, one class at a time, not daring to look any further ahead than the end of the class. But last night, tired and mind abuzz with the work I had to accomplish when I got home, for a second I did allow myself to look ahead, and that small glimpse surprised me. Warmed me. Made me happy.

Thinking on it, I guess it is right to say that I have evolved. I hadn't noticed...until a friend pointed it out. Thanks, 'Manda.

8 comments:

WhiteStone said...

Debby, I think a celebratory dinner at that fancy restaurant will be just the thing!

When I got my degree at age 42 I celebrated by buying myself a graduation ring. Even though I was on a tight budget, I bought that ring as a token of my hard work.

Celebrating the things of life. That's a good thing.

Hal Johnson said...

I've long felt a kinship with you, Debby, and I'm proud of you.

Bob said...

When we stop evolving we should worry.

Kelly said...

The celebratory dinner sounds like a good idea to me, too. I'll be so proud of you when that day comes!

BUSH BABE said...

You just have the SMARTEST friends, doncha??? I guess Bob is right, we are always evolving. But blogs let us really go back and compare the THEN and the NOW. You are very slowly letting the 'I am not worthy' thing go. You have talent and skill and a wonderful heart. Those things are gifts and you get to take some responsibility (and accolades) for them too.

Dinner sounds wonderful. I shall *chink* from afar.
:-)
BB

Debby said...

My friends are pretty smart, and I've never quite figured that out. Seems like they'd be smart enough to get a better class of friends...

Debby said...

Oh, and Hal? I remember when I talked about envying my sisters going to college, you earnestly told me that I could do it too. And now I am doing it. Will wonders never cease?

BUSH BABE said...

Whatever that mirror is made of that you look in Deb... throw it away. You don't seem to see what we see!!!
:-)