It will be a blessing to hand in that essay today. I'm so glad to be done with it. My problem is that I'm used to sitting down and hammering out a project is a day. This project was big enough, I had so much other stuff going on, that I got only half of it written. I'm so self critical that every time that I came back to it, I'd wind up doing a massive rewrite of what I'd already written. I finally decided that I could no longer do that. I took a deep breath, opened the document Monday afternoon, scrolled to the end of it, and began writing. I spent an entire afternoon on it, and was bleary eyed at the end of it. But it was done. I re-read it last night, and I was not satisfied with it. I resisted the urge to begin re-writing, though. Last night, I created the title page, I numbered the pages, and I printed it off. 'It is what it is,' I thought. It's the first time that I've applied that phrase to school, but I've got too many projects going on to be a perfectionist. In fact, being a perfectionist at this point of the game will actually hurt me, not help me.
In an e-mail, 'Manda commented that she was enjoying watching me evolve. That was an interesting thought. Me? Evolving? Really? I guess that I hadn't really noticed that. I suppose that it is hard to see that 'from the inside looking out.' I see the insecurities and the self doubt and the fears, and not much beyond that. But I've been thinking on her words a lot. Last night, when, with a sigh, I hit 'ctrl' and 'p' and that essay began to print, I said, resolutely, 'It is what it is,' and I realized that my friend was right. I'm at a new place. I guess it is right to say that I have evolved.
Once Tim and I went to a fancy restaurant while we were dating. Last night, driving home from school, I saw the sign for it, and thought, "You know, when I graduate, we should go there again, to celebrate," and then was a little shocked to realize what I had just thought. I'd never been able to think far enough ahead to consider graduating. I doubted my abilities as a student. I still do, in the middle of the night, sometimes, wonder whether the cancer will come back. I've been plugging away, one class at a time, not daring to look any further ahead than the end of the class. But last night, tired and mind abuzz with the work I had to accomplish when I got home, for a second I did allow myself to look ahead, and that small glimpse surprised me. Warmed me. Made me happy.
Thinking on it, I guess it is right to say that I have evolved. I hadn't noticed...until a friend pointed it out. Thanks, 'Manda.