Yesterday was a very nice day. I started the day pooped. I mean, I didn't go to bed until almost midnight, and then I just laid awake repeating things in my head for quite some time. When I did fall asleep, I woke back up pretty quickly over and over, with the recurring thought that I'd overslept and was late. I know that I'm an idiot when it comes to school. I am not a confident student, and I also am very fond of A's. So I doubt myself, I study, I shoot for the A, I never feel like I'm ready, it is a cycle. As BB pointed out yesterday, going to college with me is a real emotional roller coaster.
I got to school early yesterday. I was tired, and I wanted to leave myself extra time to get a cup of coffee from the cafeteria. On the way back through, one of the women who had been in our study group said, "We're covering stuff one last time," and so I joined them, and then we walked to the test like we were being marched to the electric chamber. One of the benefits of group studies is that you realize (in my case, for the first time) that none of us are real confident. We all feel like we are drowning. They are throwing one project after another at us, and someone commented that it was to weed the slackers and the people that can't cut it out of the program right away. It made sense. Two people have left already.
In any case, after the test, John was in the hall with a sick expression on his face. He doesn't think that he did well. That surprised me. In the study group, he knew his stuff. I, myself, thought it was surprisingly easy. That doesn't mean, however, that I was putting down the right answers. I don't know. It just seemed easy to me. John has test anxiety though, and he's never happy with his test grades. Then Mindy came along with a worried look. And Kim. Soon, we were all congregated in the hall, and I was saying, "Well, I think you're going to find out that the teachers are right when they say that we know more than we think we do." We were not supposed to be back to class until 12:30, and we had a couple hours to kill, so we went back to the cafeteria. We were supposed to be celebrating, so there were celebratory deserts with ice cream and quesadillas and things. I stuck with my celebratory salad. We all sat around and we just blabbed. We talked for two hours. We passed around cell phones with dog pictures. We talked about kids. We talked about family. We talked about how nerve wracking this is. We talked about jobs and we talked about juggling. Most importantly, we laughed our asses off. We did. We laughed and laughed. At one point, Mindy said, "One day, you weren't there, and she was handing out papers and I thought, 'I need to get one of these for Debby,' and right on cue, I heard your voice, asking a question. My head whipped around, I was so shocked. I hadn't heard you come in." So laughing, I told them about driving the truck, and seeing the flock of seagulls, and "remember that crazy haired group from the 60s?" and John said, "You know, I was just going to say that I thought there was a group..." and I said, "Well, there was, and they had that song that became an anthem for...well...probably somebody..." and I broke into singing, "....and I raaaaaaaaaaann, I ran so far awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, and I raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan, I couldn't get awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay..." and they all fell across the table. "So then I looked at the clock in the truck, which I'm not used to driving, and I had 8 minutes, so I stopped for pictures of the flock of seagulls, and then I continued on my way, and took my time ambling into class, because I still had a few minutes and then I got to the door of the classroom, and everyone was seated and the teacher was talking, and I looked at the clock and I was nearly 10 minutes late, and nearly wet myself in the hall. I didn't know the clock in the truck was off. I never drove it, and I haven't replaced my watch band that I broke while stocking pop at work..." and people laughed themselves stupid.
We went back to class, still laughing. Kim said, "Wasn't it good to just sit and laugh together?" And we all agreed that it had felt great. We'd already committed to a weekly study session. Yesterday we also agreed to meet for lunch every Thursday.
I'm discovering that I'm not really all that different from everyone else, and you cannot guess how comforting that is. And when I'm trying to say the comforting things to them, my own words make me feel better myself. And when the going gets rough, I just have to sing, quietly, "....and I raaaaaaaaaaaaan, I ran so far awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay...." and people burst out laughing. It's become an anthem, really....