I have nine days between the end of spring semester and the beginning of summer semester. I will be taking Anatomy and Physiology. It is a killer course, meeting Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, 8:30 - 11:45. Thursday is labs. Last night, I was laying awake in bed dreading that. I'm such a schmuck. Really. I'm doing way better in school than I ever expected, but still, now that finals loom, I get this sick feeling that I might find myself flunking them, and proving, for once and for all that Tim's confidence in me is misguided. I worry about the money we are spending on this schooling. And then my mind moved on to worrying about kids. I know that this is a hard time for them. I wish that it could be different, but I also know that we learn great lessons during hard times. Still, it is heartbreaking to watch. Is Tim going back to work? That's such a long drive to Olean from here. And it is second shift which means that he will be driving back late at night through the remote Seneca reservation. No cell phone service. Our cars are old. Tim is good about keeping the cars running, but he's been working on an apartment. What time he does have, he's been using to go over the car that Cara will be getting, once she's home for the month of May. It is standard shift, and she's never driven standard before. I lay in the dark and my mind dances from one concern to another.
Why do I do this?
I take a deep breath, and I say a prayer, and as I roll over to get comfortable, Tim, still sound asleep, rolls with me. It makes me shiver to envision a lifetime of sleeping alone in front of me. Yet we were calmly discussing this. And my mind begins to dance off again. Firmly, I stop it. I shut my eyes, and I think that I actually fell asleep.
Have you ever met a person who is serene? I want to be serene. How do you get that way?