Monday, May 3, 2010

Serenity

I have nine days between the end of spring semester and the beginning of summer semester. I will be taking Anatomy and Physiology. It is a killer course, meeting Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, 8:30 - 11:45. Thursday is labs. Last night, I was laying awake in bed dreading that. I'm such a schmuck. Really. I'm doing way better in school than I ever expected, but still, now that finals loom, I get this sick feeling that I might find myself flunking them, and proving, for once and for all that Tim's confidence in me is misguided. I worry about the money we are spending on this schooling. And then my mind moved on to worrying about kids. I know that this is a hard time for them. I wish that it could be different, but I also know that we learn great lessons during hard times. Still, it is heartbreaking to watch. Is Tim going back to work? That's such a long drive to Olean from here. And it is second shift which means that he will be driving back late at night through the remote Seneca reservation. No cell phone service. Our cars are old. Tim is good about keeping the cars running, but he's been working on an apartment. What time he does have, he's been using to go over the car that Cara will be getting, once she's home for the month of May. It is standard shift, and she's never driven standard before. I lay in the dark and my mind dances from one concern to another.

Why do I do this?

I take a deep breath, and I say a prayer, and as I roll over to get comfortable, Tim, still sound asleep, rolls with me. It makes me shiver to envision a lifetime of sleeping alone in front of me. Yet we were calmly discussing this. And my mind begins to dance off again. Firmly, I stop it. I shut my eyes, and I think that I actually fell asleep.

Have you ever met a person who is serene? I want to be serene. How do you get that way?

12 comments:

A Novel Woman said...

You begin by choosing serenity.

Have a look at some books on behavior modification. This technique teaches you how to recognize when your mind is going into what I call spin mode, and re-direct your thoughts to thwart anxiety.

And there's always chocolate.

A Novel Woman said...

Pee Ess

You can have chocolate on a diet. Make sure it's 70% cocoa content or higher. My doctor TOLD me to eat every day, but just a square or two.

Hah!

Debby said...

Okay, NW, then just ignore the hastily sent e-mail that referred to you as a sadist. That may have been premature...

Still, I think given my own tendencies, any chocolate I have better be in my slim fast.

*sigh*

Kelly said...

You should know better than to listen to what your mind tells you once the sun goes down!! Turn the worries to prayers. That what I try to do and it usually puts me back to sleep.

I think the Anat & Phys class sounds exciting!! Just think what all you'll learn!!

Oh....bet you'll ace those finals, too.

BUSH BABE said...

I don't have the answer... except to learn what it is about YOU that can switch off that worrying. Jeanie and I have a technique where we write down a 'to do' list when things are on our minds, so we can firmly put aside that thought and concentrate on something better.

Me? If something is really gnawing at me, I take photos. But you knew that... there's one at my place today that's so utterly peaceful it makes me downright sleepy. Maybe you need it for a desktop background? Hmmmm...
:-)
BB

Jayne said...

You do whatever you can to ignore what your mind is throwing up at you from your subconscious and set aside a time to deal with issues that are bugging you. Make a mental note to 'not borrow trouble' about things that might not or have yet to happen.
Eat loads of chocolate before bedtime, they've finally disproved the myth of food causing sleep disturbances ;)

quid said...

Novel woman is right about spin mode. What worked for me was mindfulness meditation. I kid you not. It's the spiritual, practical way to push those demons to the side. ("Wherever you go, there you are" by Jon Kabat-Zinn was the beginning of my ability to rein myself in.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch... it is spooky and kind of James Fenimore Cooper in those stretches near Olean. I'm sure he'll be safe, but I know what you mean.

Anat and Phys... OMG! You are going to be SO learned. (I bow, deeply). Sound fascinating, Debby!

quid

Anonymous said...

Debby, you learn and BELIEVE Jeremiah 29:11. Give it all to God. He's going to be up all night anyway. Prayer is the best "sleeping pill" there is. Judy

Anonymous said...

Debby, check out Ann Voscamp at holyexperience@blogspot.com She is so good and you might find her encouraging. Judy

Pencil Writer said...

Judy--and Debby, Jeremiah 29:11 sounds good to me! And didn't you quote one the other day yourself, about "Be still and know that I am God." Psalms 46 something, I think.

We're going through some difficult stuff--on several fronts right now, too, and I have to remind myself: God knows everything about everything and everybody. He loves me (and them) and if I'm doing my best, and asking for His help--and I'm willing to accept His will--everything will be fine. Maybe not exactly what my finite mind conjures up as the right solution, but He will bless me with what is best.

Too, I remember Joseph, 11th son of Jacob (Israel) sold into slavery by his older 10 brothers. Never lost is faith in God and always did what was right, working hard at whatever task he was given. Accused of sexual misconduct and thrown into jail (because he DIDN'T fall into temptation) and 20 years after being sold into slavery (at 17) he becomes the second most powerful ruler in all of Egypt! Who would of thought? Well, obviously, God, because He set things in motion and Joseph did his part at keeping on the straight and narrow.

Hang in there. Trust God. He always, always wins in the end. And think of sitting with Him, in His arms when you're really troubled. It works for me. He loves you. Me too!

Bill of Wasilla said...

I type with one hand only, because my black cat Jim is curled up against my chest in the crook of my other arm. He is utterly serene. And when he is with me like this, I am more serene, if not serene, than I am at other times.

So, there you. As I have been telling you - if serenity is what you want, get a cat.

Debby said...

Now, Bill, that made me laugh. I remember well the days of reading on a cold winter night, wrapped up in an afghan with a purring cat on my lap. You are correct. It is very serene. I may just have to get myself a cat. And pull myself together.