Saturday, April 3, 2010

Happy Easter.

You know, Friday, I was at the Cancer Center, and I met a woman. She had the pink hat pulled low, but some wisps of hair stuck out. I knew she was 'one of us', so to speak. WhiteStone is so good about just reaching out to people. It's odd. I'm a blabber. But you know, sometimes, when it really, really matters, I just get shy and awkward. I was reading (I'm on a Garrison Keillor kick. I was re-reading Lake Wobegon, and loving the simplicity of it), but I was also watching this woman. She was younger than me, and her two young children were with her. Her husband, too. She talked to the kids matter-of-factly about coming back to sit with her while she had chemo. Anyhow, I listened for a while, while pretending to read. Finally, I got the nerve to speak. I meant to give her encouragement, but was amazed to find that she was dealing with metatastic breast cancer, that it is in her liver, and her lungs. She had breast cancer five years ago, and was thinking that she was in the clear...and then this. "I didn't know," she said. "I thought that because my mammograms were good, I was okay. I did not know that if it came back, it would probably be some place else." "Yes," I said. "Liver, lungs, brain, bones," and even while I said it, I was trying to figure out where I heard that. I don't think that I was told that at the Cancer Center either. I think that I read it somewhere. The woman continued: "I've got young kids. I have to take ativan, or I'd go crazy. I cannot bear to think of (her voice broke off and she simply mouthed the words so that her children would not hear) dying." I looked at her, and I'm telling you, she had the fiercest eyes I've ever seen. We talked some more, but this woman is a fighter. It wasn't long before her name was called, and she left her children with her husband, telling them that they could all come back 'in a few minutes'.

I sat there, shocked a little. Okay. Shocked a lot. She is so young, and those children. 10 and 8, maybe. I have always counted myself lucky that my children were grown when this all began. Her eyes, and the faces of her children haunt me still.

I'm going to be honest here. I'm having a hard time now. There is a lot of pain. I read stuff online and scared the puckydoo out of myself. I'm struggling to not give way to speculation and fear. This cold has kicked my butt, and I'm exausted. I'm not going to school (I still have another week of spring break), but I have picked up more hours at work. Not complaining, but it aggravates the pain. We need the money though, so let's just call that a blessing. It's just a hard time right now, mentally and physically, and I find myself doing what I always do when the going gets rough. I am being still and knowing that He is God. It'll all come right again, but I can't really write this minute, because I cannot seem to stop thinking about the 'what ifs'. They dominate my thoughts. I'll write about what I know, but prefer not to write about what I don't know. As soon as I get my wits gathered, I'll be back.

Happy Easter everyone. Alleluia! God is good. Celebrate His gift to us.

17 comments:

Bob said...

Yes Debby, God is good. You always come back to that, even as you admit the doubts and fears taht linger (because you're -- surprise -- HUMAN!)and you bless those around you, and those who only know you via cyberspace. Happy Easter, good friend. He is risen! He is risen indeed!

BUSH BABE said...

Oh darl - I have been worrying about you. All the speculation is pretty normal I'd say ... will email you I think.

Sending some calming, happy Easter wishes your way. And some calories too, if that's okay?
:-)
BB

BUSH BABE said...

Oh darl - I have been worrying about you. All the speculation is pretty normal I'd say ... will email you I think.

Sending some calming, happy Easter wishes your way. And some calories too, if that's okay?
:-)
BB

Karen said...

Hi Debby. Yes, those 'what if's' haunt me nearly every day, to some degree at least. It' hard, but instead, I try to keep my focus on "what is" going on around me. What is true is that I have a family, good friends, no recurrence thus far, and most importantly, a God who is forever true to His promises. That's really all that we have, but it's honestly all that we'll ever need.

Have a very nice Easter!

Pencil Writer said...

Happy Easter, to you and all your family, Debby. Whatever happens, God is there/here. Blessings to you as we celebrate the Savior's triumph over death and hell. Sleep well tonight and feel the sun on your face tomorrow. ((((Hugs))))

jeanie said...

I like the above comment - look at the "what is" rather than the "what if".

All you can do is live your life to the best of your ability, methinks - and I know yours currently holds a heap of all the good stuff (good chocolate included, I hope).

Sometimes there is no sense in how the battles in life are doled out - all we can do is play with the cards we are dealt.

No-one deserves bad stuff happening. I hope this family has great results in their futures.

Jayne said...

(((hugs)))

Paula said...

My children are that age too - 8 and 10 - and when I was diagnosed with BC my first thought was that I didn't want them to grow up without a mother.

A heard this week that a cyber friend of mine died on the day of my surgery. She was diagnosed with BC the same time as me - last summer - but in January was told she had brain mets. She was told she had up to 5 years but 18 months was realistic - she lasted two.

I worry - get low - that the c will haunt me forever - but feel I owe it to her to make the most of my life - as she was so passionate about hers.

Big hugs and take care - your health is the most important thing so look after yourself.

Enjoy a happy family weekend ... with a few treats me thinks.

P xox

steviewren said...

Debby, I don't know what to say so I'm just sending a virtual hug your way. May God bless you today in a mighty way. Happy Easter.

Caroline said...

Oh Debbie this is the hard part. I had a friend pass away recently. She was in my support group and we became friends and would go for walks together and have lunch. She was the same age as me with a 7 year old. It was very difficult. She was diagnosed 4 years ago at stage II and went to stage IV a year and a half later. Very tough and very sad. It is a constant reminder to us - And it is so hard not to go down the path of the what ifs when we hear about someone else. Another reminder. But we must go on. Big hugs and Happy Easter to you! Enjoy your day.

Mary Paddock said...

Hugs and prayers, Debby. Have a Blessed Easter and know that He is in control and loves you dearly.

quid said...

Deb -

I don't know of one survivor that doesn't go through periods of being haunted by the thought of reoccurrence; it is normal to feel this way. Not only is God looking out for you, Debby, you have lived a life full of people who care. You are still on the right side of cancer. And, God willing, you will stay there.

Happy Easter...

quid

Kelly said...

(((hugs))) It's easy to get overwhelmed with the "what ifs".... no matter what the circumstances of our life. I'm praying for you!
God IS good!!

Lydia said...

I'm so glad that you have a God you trust. Blessings to you in this difficult season.

Cara said...

GASP. You've been going through my things! That book was in a box of my college stuff that I brought home!

Dennis Pyritz, RN said...

Great post ! I want to feature it in this week's guest post at Being Cancer Network (www.beingcancer.net). You should see an increase in traffic as I will include two links to your site as well as a link to the original post. Keep up the great work and take care, Dennis

Lori said...

I can't imagine going through what that young woman is going through. I'm glad you could tell that she is a fierce fighter. Take it easy and get some rest. You've been sick, and I'm sure that is taking a lot out of you emotionally as well as physically. Hang in there and BE WELL!