Monday, April 12, 2010

The End of Spring Break

Spring break is over. My first class of the week is tonight's math class. I have a test tomorrow that I have to study for. I've read and taken notes on my psychology chapter.

Spring break was nice. I had been so busy, with school, with work, with wedding things, with trying to get everything ready for company. It just seemed like forever since I had a chance to sit down and read something for pleasure. I did, too. I read 'The Solace of Open Spaces' and 'The Nazi Officer's Wife'. I began reading 'The Vicar of Wakefield', and I got to the same place I got to the last time before setting it down and never getting around to picking it up again. It's not riveting reading, but it is pleasant. So I've enjoyed reading and it was relaxing to have time to focus on the house and on Tim.

It's probably a good thing that I leapt into this school thing without too much forethought. If I'd have given myself time to think about it, I would have talked myself right out of it. (Low self esteem sucks.) Last night, laying in bed, thinking about school, I started to get scared again. I began to worry that I couldn't do it. That test on Tuesday...good grief. I wasn't even sure that I remembered the topics. I fretted over my last essay. The teacher commented that it was 'dark'. (It was. My life is not all sweetness and light.) And then I began to dread psychology class. The teacher had written my name upon the board, along with maybe a half dozen others. She said that she wished to speak to us after class, and said that it was her customary talk with the students, the one that she does for every class, with every student. Since I'd already attended that little meeting, I saw no need to meet with her again. I really don't have anything to say to her. She is erratic and an ineffective teacher, close minded, surprisingly unaware. I think that I should avoid putting myself in any situation where I am alone with her, opening myself up to claims of 'she said....' In any case, I lay in bed and that niggling fear began to creep in, that certainty that I am not going to be able to juggle this. I took a deep breath, and pointed out to myself, yet again, that I already was. And then I rolled over and went back to sleep. Today, I studied, and I took notes. Today there is no doubt in my mind that I can do it. Why is it, do you think, that we are far more uncertain in the dark?


Pencil Writer said...

Maybe because dark hides things and light illuminates. You-know-who always works in the dark to drag us down to his level--his and those who work with him.

Light is ALWAYS better, I think.

You'll be fine, Debby. We all have faith in you!

A Novel Woman said...

Because you can't juggle in the dark, that's why.

Anonymous said...

Just think, Debby, you juggled ALL THAT when you were planning a wedding and trying to get everything ready for company. You no longer have those two activities on your plate. Yes, some other activity might replace them; however, I have faith in you doing this!

quid said...

I loved Pencil Writer's comment!

So curious that a psychology teacher is so narrow minded and closed off. One might expect that from another discipline. (I roomed with 3 psych majors in college, and believe me, they're extremely open). Anyway, back to you. I digress. All you need is about 10% of the faith that all of us have in you, and you'll be all set.


Debby said...

No. I pretty much have confidence in myself, now, usually. Mostly. School is teaching me alot. Tonight in math, we were given a problem. Einstein wrote it, and it was decided that 98% of people could not solve it. It was hard, but I did solve it. I was the first one in the class to solve it. I think that most of math is simply seeing that the problem is solvable. And I'm beginning to see that most of life is the same, seeing that the problems of it are solvable.

It's just interesting. I am seeing myself as able. In the daylight, anyhow.

Kelly said...

I liked Pencil Writer's comment, too.

Next time you're lying in the dark having those doubts, just picture all of us standing around you cheering you on!!

jeanie said...

I love A Novel Woman's take.

Things are so much more logical during daylight hours, I totally agree.

I have confidence in you Deb.

Jayne said...

Yes, there'll be this nutty chick from Melb, Australia waving poms poms for you ;)

steviewren said...

I think background noise during the day distracts our minds in a way that the silence of the night is not able to do. Thus at night we have too much time to think and only one thing to think about... that which makes us crazy or afraid.

Lori said...

Is this the same teacher who thought the Jews could have gotten away from the concentration camps if they'd only wanted to badly enough? I don't blame you for skipping that meeting.

Bill of Wasilla said...

There are times I fantasize about going back to college - but only to take literature and writing courses, so that I can do my homework and get a book written at the same time.

It is fantasy. It will never happend (school - not the book). You made it happen. And, it seems to me, with a high degree of confidence.