Saturday, April 10, 2010
I've been thinking about chaos.
There are times that my life has descended into chaos. When I think of these times (and granted, I think of them as little as possible...), I realize that there are commonalities, threads that tie these things together. Agents of chaos. Dealing with a daughter who has untreated bipolar issues, well that's a biggie. Cancer could have been one of those things, but for me, strangely, it wasn't. It was even a clarifying time. Still, it was a time when I wasn't in control of what happened next, and so it was a scary time.
Another 'agent of chaos' (this sounds like an episode of 'Get Smart'. doesn't it?) is angry people. Angry people are great harbingers of chaotic times. Angry people spin on a dime. One second they are fine, the next, spitting mad and you've no idea what provoked it. You've no idea how to stop it. All you know is that they are really, really pissed, and you've no idea why. I come from an angry people. Somebody's always mad at somebody else. Tim was married to an angry woman who continues to be an angry woman to this day. My own ex used to be a very angry person. He's settled down a lot since he married his own angry woman.
Angry people are interesting. They spend a lot of time screaming about how angry you are, that it is your fault. Everything is your fault. Meanwhile, they spend their lives ranting and raving about some damn thing, and it doesn't matter whether you're there or not. They were screaming long before you got there, and they'll be screaming still even if you drop over dead tomorrow.
I'm not a big fan of anger, and I will run from it every time that I see it. I'm not afraid of it really, but the chaos it creates...oh my God...that maelstrom...that lashing, whipping force that sucks all the good out of a world, that leaves you panting and breathless, with no energy to do anything but cling and hold on and wait for it to be over. And when it finally begins to lose its power, you drag yourself out and try to continue on with life but it also makes you leery and cautious. The idea that you might be sucked back in is terrifying. You begin to make safe choices, to avoid the people or the situations where you found yourself nearly drowning before.
I think of the times that I've told my beloved daughter, 'Listen. You cannot bring your chaos into my house. I simply can't do it.' I've stuck to that. I think of how motivated I am to lose weight, afraid of a repeat episode of cancer. I worry about my estrogen producing fat cells and any stray cancer cells that might be lurking about, their little estrogen recepters glomming on to whatever estrogen it can find in my menopausal body. I think about the angry people that I avoid like the plague. I think about Novel Women and her comment yesterday. She may be right. I may have revealed a great insight about myself. Did it actually make me sick inside? I don't know.
But, better safe than sorry.