Wednesday, March 24, 2010

People

Off and running. I've got a couple appointments this morning, and then I'm back home. I've got a couple tests to study for next week, and then my last class is Tuesday. I have 13 days off. I'll be working, but I'll have a break from school. I love school, but it is challenging, and throw all the wedding details in, along with work and school, well, I'm just a bit overwhelmed.

The wedding is Saturday. I love my daughter, and she and Buddy seem to love each other very much. That alone can overcome a lot in life. I pray for them, because I know marriage is tough stuff.

For some reason, it is important to Brianna that my exhusband be there. I would not dream of talking to her about it. It is her day, after all. I've thought as little as possible about those times, but after determinedly not thinking about it for 13 years, I've had to acknowledge that there is still a lot of pain there. What do you say to the man who molested your child? Threw your marriage in the crapper at the same time? That decision changed everyone's life. Not just my girl's life, but mine too, and the other kids'. His own too. He went to prison for it. His present wife opted not to come. She was the one that sent the hateful anonymous (and handwritten) letter at the beginning of the year. When I said that I was turning the whole thing over to the police and giving them their address, she did confess. Lots of tears. She asked to be forgiven, and then seemed to believe that we would become bestest, bestest friends. I'm kind of stymied by that. I mean I don't have a lot in common with her. What do you say to a woman who 'wants to throw you on the ground and tweeze those awful eyebrows' each and every time she sees you? Um...don't? Please? I'll also be navigating the minefield of my own family, knowing full well that everything I do and everything I say will be picked apart and criticized later. (I can hear it now..."That's where you're wrong, Debby...")

We've been talking about forgiveness in Sunday School class. It was nice to have the chance to be a part of that discussion. What is forgiveness? I've got critics that will tell you that I'm unforgiving. I don't know. My take on it is that I've tried very hard to divest myself of any anger towards anyone. Is that forgiveness? I don't bear any ill will, but I also don't care to spend a lot of time shaping myself to fit into their 'box'. I am what I am. They are what they are. I accept the differences, and I have determined that I differ so radically from some folks in my life that, really, it makes no sense to struggle to continue the relationship. It's not unforgiveness. It's just common sense. Maybe it's just plain survival. I don't know.

In any case, as I struggle through these next few days, there will be joy. There will be tears. There will be my own private strugglings with my own private emotions. I have determined that I will be gracious, and that I will be a class act, no matter what. No matter what. This is my daughter's wedding day and there is nothing more important than that.

The thing that I am most grateful for in the midst of all of this craziness is this one thing: that I have friends, close friends, Godly friends. I can confide my innermost un-Christian fears and thoughts, and the one thing that I know for sure is that I will receive good, reliable counsel. They listen, and they pray, and they get back to me. My oldest and dearest friend Mary will be at the reception. She knows my 'innermost workings', as the saying goes. If she sees my grace drooping, she will haul me off to the lady's room for an adjustment. The picture that comes to mind makes me smile. Brianna and Buddy will be married, and we will celebrate, just like any other family. I'll get through this day, and I will do it with grace. God's grace. Heaping helpings of it doled out by dear, dear friends. How blessed I am!

14 comments:

BUSH BABE said...

Many hugs and sending graceful vibes (whatever the heck that means) your way... hopefully everyone will stay focussed on the joy of the marriage and not on the dark times you have shared along the way.

Knowing Brianna reads this too, can I send my best wishes to her, through you? May you two feel the pride in each other that only mothers and daughters can know...
:-)
BB

Lydia said...

Blessings to you in this weekend -- my goodness, I can see why a hair cut or a dress could cause a meltdown! When you have no way to be pleasing to the majority of the people, just be pleasing to yourself, your husband and your daughter, and to heck with the rest! (Easier said than done)

Congratulations to your daughter and new son-in-law!

Kelly said...

Best wishes to Brianna and Buddy on their life together!

Weddings and deaths....both can bring out the worst in families, from my observations. Extra prayers for all of you.

steviewren said...

Debby, I'm sending up a prayer that all will go well this weekend for you and Brianna. You certainly have legitimate reasons to dread what the gathering might bring. I'm praying everyone will be on their best behavior, not just you. ; )

Anonymous said...

just think about the happiness of the kids and leteverything else fall on deaf ears. words do hurt but the love of a daughter can make the heart so full and warm. just by reading this blog I find you a very good person and like to think of you as a long distance friend.

A Novel Woman said...

The new wife is just intimidated by your emotional strength and wisdom. She tried to subjugate you with a threatening letter and insults, and when that didn't work, she attempted to insinuate herself into your life as a "friend".

You ARE gracious, you ARE a class act. I admire you, and wish you only the best for this day.

Reb said...

Family weddings are stressful under the best of conditions...yours sounds way more complex :)
We have a neighbor couple that has been suing us over (someone else's) land. We have no say in the problem, but somehow they have decided that we, and we alone can make their desires happen. After us paying 10's of 1,000's in legal bills, she called and said she hopes we can all be "best of the best" friends. Wonder if she is related to your ex's wife?!
I say ignore the idiots and concentrate of making wonderful memories of your daughters wedding day :)

Hopesrising said...

Oh God's grace is such a blessing. Enjoy your Daughter's Wedding. I love that you have a friend willing to go to the ladies room. I did to and it really helped.Your comment on my blog said things very well Debby. Its hard to explain to others God's will and the blessing that come with the realizations.

Anonymous said...

It's true. You are a class act. The serenity you manifest through God's grace will have all the difficult people wondering what you have that they don't. Enjoy the day. Our best wishes to Brianna and Buddy. We'll be praying. Stay strong! Love, Judy

Glynis said...

Mary...her name and makes me think of Jesus' mother. It sounds like you have a special bond with this gal and knowing she will be near at the wedding and will be ready to adjust your Grace level as needed, how comforting that must be!
By the way, forgiveness is not for 'them.' It's for you. Don't let the guilty as charged keep victimizing you. Forgive and then take steps forward.
You do sound like a class act, Debby, so keep that lovely chin up and enjoy the blessings of the day and be part of the glorious memories Brianna and Buddy will cherish forever. Have a lovely weekend and let us know how things go. Joy! x

Lori said...

I think there are some situations where forgiveness doesn't really even enter into it -- it's more a matter of "coming to terms" with something or being able to be at peace with yourself over something that you have no control over. If someone is truly repentant or if you're willing to give them the benefit of the doubt, then you may have to put forth some effort to get past something. If they are not really sorry, then you have to move on for your own sake, and I guess that's a type of forgiveness. It may be that in some situations forgiveness is something you have to do from scratch each and every day. Granting forgiveness, coming to terms with something, and having inner peace are different from letting someone make you miserable or walk all over you, though. I love how you said, if your friend notices your "grace drooping". Oh, that is a splendid way of putting it. I'm sure you will get through the day with plenty of grace, especially with good friends to help you.

jeanie said...

Personally, I think forgiveness is more an internal thing - if you forgive, you are no longer giving them the power to make you derail your life because of the pain or anger.

And there is definitely nothing in my form of forgiveness that makes you be best buds with someone who has set out to derail in the first place.

PaintedPromise said...

i'm with you Debby... if someone can't accept you as you are, and you certainly don't need to change to fit their ideal, then why waste your time dealing with them? life is much more peaceful and enjoyable if you just stay away from them. but sometimes there are situations - and weddings are one of them - where you have to come together. not so very long ago i had to watch my ex walk my daughter down the aisle... when it was ME that raised her, he was out of state... but it was HER day and that was what she wanted so i just zipped my lip and made the best of it. as it turned out, he left before the dancing because his 3rd wife was feeling ill (found out later she was pg!!!) and as it ended up, it was ME that danced the father and bride dance with my daughter lol...

having survived all that... i am praying for grace and peace for you!!! concentrate on Brianna and Buddy and all will be well.

and congrats and best wishes to the newlyweds!!!

Brianna said...

Hey Mom! Take comfort, knowing that ANYONE who cannot be civil toward you, or anyone else for that matter, will be politely asked to leave, and escorted out to their car... I'm done caring what anyone has to say about me, family peace be darned! Thanks for all the good wishes, everyone! Even though you can't be here in person, you'll be there in spirit, and I'm filled with joy because of it! : )