Friday, March 26, 2010

Friday Weigh In

I stepped on the scales this morning and was gratified to see that I lost two pounds this week, making it 14 lbs I've lost this year. If everything continues on the way that it has been, next week, I'll be halfway to my goal. That's exciting!

I've been wondering what it is about this diet that 'works'. Like most people, I've been on a diet before. Lose a few pounds, lose interest. I don't know. I know the motivation is different this time. Visualizing fat cells making their tiny amounts of estrogen, and picturing hungry little cancer cells waiting for that to happen. Yeah. That's some powerful motivation. (If I have my druthers, I want to die in my sleep. When I'm ninety-one. After I've had my coveted 50th anniversary party.) Part of it is knowing that I have to own up that weight loss (or lack thereof) to you. That's a biggy too, which actually halted many a chocolate craving. 'Just this once,' my inner demons say. And the other side of me says, 'How will you feel Friday if you have to post a weight gain?' Yeah. So maybe I'm losing weight because I'd be embarrassed to death not to. In any case, thanks everybody. Please hang around for the last 16 lbs. You all are doing great.

It snowed last night. The ground is covered. Bleh!

I tossed and turned a lot last night. You know, I wonder about me sometimes. Really, I cannot tell you what it is within me that makes it impossible for me to sit still when, fr'instance, something like yesterday's discussion unfolds. I mean, I accept the fact that this teacher and I have two opposite personalities. I understand that. So that's not a big deal. Most people are different. I can listen to different opinions. It doesn't bother me that people think differently. Generally speaking, I offer up my own opinions. I am not stupid. I realize that some people are perfectly okay with that, giving me the same respect that I have given them. Other people don't want to hear my opinion, and wander off. That's okay too. I know that this teacher does not give a rat's ass about my opinions. I understand this is a classroom setting. I go in there with the mindset that I will simply learn what is to be learned, and ignore the personal dynamics. Yesterday, I couldn't. After thinking about it, I realized that I left that classroom because I couldn't bear to hear it anymore. "They could have gone to the surrounding villages and got help." (No. They couldn't. The Jews had been scapegoated by a very well orchestrated government propaganda program. The government was actively working against them, hunting them down, imprisoning them. People, on the whole, were afraid. There were a lot of people doing bad things, but there were also even more people who were afraid to do anything at all, for fear that something would happen to them. To their families.) She earnestly explained that we did not understand how small Europe really was, that their countries were comparable in size to our states. The Jews could have went to foreign countries and gotten help. (Yes. Because all those neighboring countries were just itching for a chance to have a go at the Fuhrer. 'Give us an excuse,' they were saying. 'Any excuse at all.') At that point, I quit talking. No sense in it. She certainly wasn't listening. I was not alone in my outrage. Students were looking at each other incredulously. Hands were shooting up all over. What infuriated me was that with every 'but', her response was "well, if they had escaped before they were starved, they could have done something" or "come now, do you really believe that the Nazi record keeping was that good?" Joe's retort came fast on that. "The Nazis were known for their meticulous record keeping." Indeed they were. And it was those very records that enabled us to resurrect millions of ghosts. Why could I not sit there and debate this with her as everyone else did? Why am I like this? Why did I need to collect my things and leave the room? I did not lose my cool then, although, shamefully, I did drop the 'f' bomb in the department head's office just a few minutes later. Why is that? Why do I get so emotional?

Laying in bed last night, I figured it out. I don't trust myself during times of high emotion. Simply put, if I had stayed, if she had continued, it may have gotten to the point where it would have burst out of me. I would have said something rude. As it was, I maintained my cool. I left, speaking my objections clearly. (This is the most offensive thing I've ever heard. You are judging the victims). Last night, in bed, I came to realize this part of myself. I avoid situations where my emotions run high, (Like wedding receptions?) because I don't want to get so emotional that I say something unfortunate. That was interesting. Now. How do you fix something like that? Or is simply leaving a reasonable defense mechanism? Just curious what you think.


A Novel Woman said...

Counting to ten does not usually work for me if I'm faced with a situation like the one you described in the classroom. It's like there's another person in my head clamouring to get out. A mother bear type of person.

Mentally preparing in advance and deciding (yes, it's a decision) to stay cool when I know I'm going to be facing an emotional event (like a wedding) sometimes helps. I go over the potential scenarios in my head, the what-ifs. Makes it easier to cope. Alcohol does not help. Enough.

Ultimately you are the one who controls YOU, not outside forces or people. Just you. Remember that and you'll be fine.

WhiteStone said...

Ahhhh...the old "line in the sand" thing. You can push me "this far, and no further". You can say what you want, but when you say something that is so patently untrue, I have to speak. It's probably well that I am not sitting beside you in class. On the other hand, perhaps it would be good if I were, for once I had my say, you might not have to speak. LOL.

On the other "wise as serpents, gentle as doves". Be angry, but rightly angry, and speak your words wisely and well.

Novel Woman says it prepared in advance. And since we do not know in advance what particular situations will arise, we need to prepare in advance to be wise and gentle.

It's not easy.

Kelly said...

Why only 91 years?!

Makes me think of something that was said at my cousin's funeral a few years ago. He came down with leukemia as an adult, had a bone marrow transplant, and then went into remission. He had asked God to please give him 10 more years. Well....almost exactly 10 years later he ended up with liver cancer (which eventually got him). At the funeral one of his sons said his dad kind of laughed one day near the end and said "I should have asked God for more than 10 years!".

All that to say...don't limit yourself to just 91 years!!

steviewren said...

Debby, I have a similar response to emotional situations where I perceive myself to be on the losing side...probably because I have been on the losing side so often. The best defense I found was to be super informed on the facts so that it no longer mattered to me how wrong or uninformed the other party was, I knew I upheld my beliefs to the best of my ability.

Of course, in your case you did know wherewithal you spoke. I just wish more students had followed you out of the class. I wonder what the instructor would have thought of that. Her ignorance or willful wrong information is appalling. Anyone who has read first hand accounts of the Holocaust survivors knows she is completely wrong about everything.

Congrats on sticking with the diet. You do have a powerful motivation. I need to find some motivation myself.

Pencil Writer said...

MMmmm. I get very emotional in "debating" issues and when the emotions run too high, I also, choose to leave so that I can calm down and try to be more objective. You sound like you were being very objective.

I'm sorry to say, but your instructor seems to be ignorant of the facts concerning the other European governments during Hitler's reign of terror against Jews and others. Many applauded Hitler because it showed them only what he wanted them to see. He coaxed many political leaders into a false sense of security like the British Prime Minister and prominent Americans into believing Hitler was doing a great job for Germany and should be a model for others, making promises he always did a 180 on. People believe what they want. Today we have similar conditions politically. We can look for the truth, or we can accept the lies we're being fed. History repeats itself.

Hope your teacher digs a little deeper into historical facts. Many Jews were desperate to leave Europe for Israel. They lost their fortunes, homes, businesses and often their families or lives, but were denied visas to leave their homeland over and over and over again. For those who managed to leave Europe illegally (or otherwise), they found the British (who controlled Palestine area at the time) helping the Arabs and most working against the Jews. It was complicated and quite crazy in many respects. Even though Israel was to be the Jewish homeland, refuge, etc., their hands were tied. They could own no weapons to defend themselves--legally. It was a mess then and they've continued to have to great obstacles to maintain their freedom and peace. And thus it will be, it seems, until Christ comes again.

Oh. I've done it again. Sorry, Debby.

You go on continuing to lose weight. I too have somehow managed to lose 14 lbs. (Leaving off candy--for the most part--helped me a lot!) I'm feeling good. I don't care to lose any more, just maintain the loss. I'm pullin' for you!

Lori said...

Before I got to your final paragraph I was thinking, "because you would have blown up!" I would have.

Congratulations on the weight loss!! Maybe I should post my loss/gain each week in my blog. I can see where that could make a difference.