I stepped on the scales this morning and was gratified to see that I lost two pounds this week, making it 14 lbs I've lost this year. If everything continues on the way that it has been, next week, I'll be halfway to my goal. That's exciting!
I've been wondering what it is about this diet that 'works'. Like most people, I've been on a diet before. Lose a few pounds, lose interest. I don't know. I know the motivation is different this time. Visualizing fat cells making their tiny amounts of estrogen, and picturing hungry little cancer cells waiting for that to happen. Yeah. That's some powerful motivation. (If I have my druthers, I want to die in my sleep. When I'm ninety-one. After I've had my coveted 50th anniversary party.) Part of it is knowing that I have to own up that weight loss (or lack thereof) to you. That's a biggy too, which actually halted many a chocolate craving. 'Just this once,' my inner demons say. And the other side of me says, 'How will you feel Friday if you have to post a weight gain?' Yeah. So maybe I'm losing weight because I'd be embarrassed to death not to. In any case, thanks everybody. Please hang around for the last 16 lbs. You all are doing great.
It snowed last night. The ground is covered. Bleh!
I tossed and turned a lot last night. You know, I wonder about me sometimes. Really, I cannot tell you what it is within me that makes it impossible for me to sit still when, fr'instance, something like yesterday's discussion unfolds. I mean, I accept the fact that this teacher and I have two opposite personalities. I understand that. So that's not a big deal. Most people are different. I can listen to different opinions. It doesn't bother me that people think differently. Generally speaking, I offer up my own opinions. I am not stupid. I realize that some people are perfectly okay with that, giving me the same respect that I have given them. Other people don't want to hear my opinion, and wander off. That's okay too. I know that this teacher does not give a rat's ass about my opinions. I understand this is a classroom setting. I go in there with the mindset that I will simply learn what is to be learned, and ignore the personal dynamics. Yesterday, I couldn't. After thinking about it, I realized that I left that classroom because I couldn't bear to hear it anymore. "They could have gone to the surrounding villages and got help." (No. They couldn't. The Jews had been scapegoated by a very well orchestrated government propaganda program. The government was actively working against them, hunting them down, imprisoning them. People, on the whole, were afraid. There were a lot of people doing bad things, but there were also even more people who were afraid to do anything at all, for fear that something would happen to them. To their families.) She earnestly explained that we did not understand how small Europe really was, that their countries were comparable in size to our states. The Jews could have went to foreign countries and gotten help. (Yes. Because all those neighboring countries were just itching for a chance to have a go at the Fuhrer. 'Give us an excuse,' they were saying. 'Any excuse at all.') At that point, I quit talking. No sense in it. She certainly wasn't listening. I was not alone in my outrage. Students were looking at each other incredulously. Hands were shooting up all over. What infuriated me was that with every 'but', her response was "well, if they had escaped before they were starved, they could have done something" or "come now, do you really believe that the Nazi record keeping was that good?" Joe's retort came fast on that. "The Nazis were known for their meticulous record keeping." Indeed they were. And it was those very records that enabled us to resurrect millions of ghosts. Why could I not sit there and debate this with her as everyone else did? Why am I like this? Why did I need to collect my things and leave the room? I did not lose my cool then, although, shamefully, I did drop the 'f' bomb in the department head's office just a few minutes later. Why is that? Why do I get so emotional?
Laying in bed last night, I figured it out. I don't trust myself during times of high emotion. Simply put, if I had stayed, if she had continued, it may have gotten to the point where it would have burst out of me. I would have said something rude. As it was, I maintained my cool. I left, speaking my objections clearly. (This is the most offensive thing I've ever heard. You are judging the victims). Last night, in bed, I came to realize this part of myself. I avoid situations where my emotions run high, (Like wedding receptions?) because I don't want to get so emotional that I say something unfortunate. That was interesting. Now. How do you fix something like that? Or is simply leaving a reasonable defense mechanism? Just curious what you think.