Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Tell me...

Last Sunday at church, I found myself in a very interesting discussion with other parents. I'm concerned about one of my own, but I've come to the conclusion that with adult children, you must stand back and let them make their own choices. 'Their way' might not be 'your way', but as long as they are happy with their own life choices, well, really, I guess that it's really not my business. So I've been struggling with that, and I've been praying hard, and, by the grace of God, I've been relatively close mouthed about my opinions on these things. Really, though, I've been quietly sick with worry.

Last Sunday, no kids showed up for Sunday school, so I sat in with the adults. One parent said, with gritted teeth, 'Pray for my son.' His boy is an adult too. So I said, "Well, let's add mine to the list," and I commented, "It is hard when they grow up, isn't it?" and every parent in the room sort of groaned and nodded. One mother said, "All you can do is let them make their own choices, and be standing by when they need you." I looked at her. "No," I said carefully. "I don't think that is right. It gets to the point where they begin to make choices expecting to be saved from them at the end. At some point, it must stop. They must begin to look at these choices that they are making. They must deal with their own consequences. We cannot save them."

This week the fecal material has hit the rotary oscillator. It's chaos. I guess that I should have asked for prayers for myself, because I am having a hard time right now. I keep reminding myself that she must learn the lessons of this time. What will happen? I don't know. But you all tell me what I already know...I need to stay out of it. I need to let her solve her own problems.

12 comments:

Donna said...

I know what you're talking about. I guess it's some comfort to me that I made stupid decisions when I was younger that no doubt drove my parents nuts, and I got over it.

Karen said...

Sorry to hear of your heartache, Debby. Kids can drive us to our knees, sometimes, can't they?

I'll be praying for you all, that it all works out in the end.

steviewren said...

Sorry. If our kids only understood how we ache for them when they get themselves into these situations. For the record, I do think you are doing the right thing letting her handle it on her own. It's hard but right.

A Novel Woman said...

The fact that you know this to be true, and you accept this, means you are miles ahead of most people.

You are doing the right thing. It's just hard. I know.

Hang in there.

Kelly said...

I've always said that we don't worry any less about our kids once they're grown. I sometimes think their problems just get bigger. I agree, though. They must be allowed to deal with the consequences of their actions and learn to work things out for themselves.

I include you in my prayers pretty regularly, Debby. I'll widen that to include your family, too.

Jayne said...

I'm hearing you loud and clear!
Step back and distract yourself with something pleasant but always remember - you're a pretty sensible human being and you've done all the right things to bring your children up to be capable, moral adults so there's nothing else you can do.

Mary Paddock said...

You've said everything you could say. You've done everything you could. Now let them figure out you were right.

Scotty said...

It gets to the point where they begin to make choices expecting to be saved from them at the end.
So true, Debby - I've experienced that with all my kids too and they've been kinda shocked/surprised when, on different occasions and for different reasons with each of them, I've stood back and said, "Nope, not this time; you want me to treat you like an adult? Then you can demonstrate your ability to act like one, make better choices, and deal with the consequences of making bad ones."

As Robert Heinlein said in one of his books...

Never handicap your children by making their lives too easy.

corymbia said...

I hope I'm as level headed as you when my kids are grown.
I know my Mum has always been there for my brother and I ... but always in a "I love you no matter what" role than a saviour role. My Mum Rocks!

quid said...

It's hard to sit back and let them make their own mistakes.

quid

Bill of Wasilla said...

I hope it all works out, Debby.

I lacked the wisdom to properly guide my children when they were children. Now that they are grown, I still lack it.

Bob said...

You're a very good mom, Debby. Very good indeed.