Today is the mammogram, just sort of a follow up to keep an eye on that 'area of activity' in the left breast. As I made the bread for yesterday, Cara and I talked, and she asked me if I were worried.
"No." I said. And it is the truth. I've barely given it a thought, caught up in the holiday activities. Last fall I would have been afraid. This year, well, you simply learn to live with it. It is what it is.
Another friend had a difficult moment during her holiday when her daughter became emotional about her mother's cancer, afraid that she had not been told all there was to tell. And the mother was grieved by her daughter's emotional outburst. It is hard. When she told me, I grieved too. For her, for her daughter.
It is what it is. We can learn to live with quite a bit. Very difficult stuff becomes 'the norm'. But our children. Oh, my God, our children. The fact that they are affected deeply by our uncertainties, well, that is the thing that will break a mother's heart. I was gentle with Cara when she asked. "No," I told her. "I am not afraid," but in my heart of hearts, I grappled with my fear that she might be.