Monday, January 4, 2010

Fear Factor

Today is the mammogram, just sort of a follow up to keep an eye on that 'area of activity' in the left breast. As I made the bread for yesterday, Cara and I talked, and she asked me if I were worried.

"No." I said. And it is the truth. I've barely given it a thought, caught up in the holiday activities. Last fall I would have been afraid. This year, well, you simply learn to live with it. It is what it is.

Another friend had a difficult moment during her holiday when her daughter became emotional about her mother's cancer, afraid that she had not been told all there was to tell. And the mother was grieved by her daughter's emotional outburst. It is hard. When she told me, I grieved too. For her, for her daughter.

It is what it is. We can learn to live with quite a bit. Very difficult stuff becomes 'the norm'. But our children. Oh, my God, our children. The fact that they are affected deeply by our uncertainties, well, that is the thing that will break a mother's heart. I was gentle with Cara when she asked. "No," I told her. "I am not afraid," but in my heart of hearts, I grappled with my fear that she might be.


WhiteStone said...

What our kids don't realize is that we are pretty tough cookies even though we crumble now and then. And we hope they, too, are pretty tough...meaning we hope they have depth and strength and courage to take whatever life brings them, including whatever life brings to their moms.

steviewren said...

A mother never wants to see her children hurting.

I hope you're home from the test and everything is a-okay.

A Novel Woman said...

I had a conversation yesterday with my eldest daughter's oldest friend. Her mom is going through treatments for breast cancer, and while her daughter is strong and goes with her to all appointments to act as an advocate, privately she crumbled because she's afraid and doesn't want her mother to see the fear she feels every day.

She has come to rely on her friends who, though they're all young and are just jumping out of the nest and into the world, have all stepped up to the plate and are there to support her. As women, it's what we do, no?

BUSH BABE said...

Of course she is. I still worry about my Mum, am still afraid each and every time she has a check-up. That's what children do - they want to protect their mothers, the ones who have protected them from the beginning.

You can only reassure her with honesty. And you are. You cannot take her fear, but you can let her hold your hand, let her worry, let her support you.
HUGS (to you and Cara and Tim and the family)

Jayne said...

(((hugs))) for you and your children. It's scary for the kids cos us parental units are supposed to be the bullet-proof protectors.

Kelly said...

My heart always aches for Cara when you talk about this. Losing both of my parents to cancer when I was young (11 for my dad and 17 for my mom) makes it very personal.

Anonymous said...

Hi Deb
I will be thinking of you today all day and of course praying it's a good report. The one good thing I think about the early frequent checks is that your mind is put at rest more often. Sounds like you are getting good care.
It can be hard to know just what to say to family to meet their needs when yours can be great also. Especially when they don't know how to express their worries, probably thinking of your sensibilities.
Given your weather reports I hope the travelling conditions won't be too challenging. This chick will be quite content to just look at snow pictures - esp when it is a bit hot here! Sending you love and thoughts, Barb

Caroline said...

I hope your mammogram went well. I completely understand the shift from petrified to calm. I am there myself. What will be will be.

Bill of Wasilla said...

I just hope that it all went well. And that you don't ever quit.

Lori said...

My mother handled her breast cancer so very well, and I will always admire her for that and hope that I will be as graceful as she if I should have to go through it. I understand what you're saying about worrying about what our kids are thinking. I already have a daughter who tries to shield me from grief and who watches me closely if she thinks I'm upset about something. I'm glad you're not fearful about the mammogram, and I hope that everything is just fine.