Something has happened. I don't know how to put words to it, exactly. Something has changed. When I walked out of the salon after my hair cut, I felt different. I felt good about myself. Usually, to put it bluntly, I don't.
I had company this week, and got the idea to put together an authentic Italian meal. I enjoyed preparing this meal. There was no nervousness that company was coming, and these were new recipes. I moved confidently around my kitchen, following the instructions, and never worried at all.
And then Cara came home, and we went shopping. I am a frugal person, and a careful shopper, especially now, but I saw a pair of high heeled shoes. Extremely high heeled shoes. Completely impractical for life in the woods. Despite that, I wanted them. I looked at those shoes, and I really longed to be a woman who stepped out in shoes like that. Even though they were a good bargain at a second hand store, even though they were my size, I could not bring myself to spend the money. Instead, I bought myself a pair of jeans.
But this morning when I was getting dressed for church, I put on a crisp white shirt. I caught sight of a scarf that BB had sent me last Christmas. I had never worn it. I had experimented with it, trying to cover my bald head, but I felt foolish and self conscious, and couldn't bring myself to wear it out. It hung in my closet and I admired it often. I liked the neutral color, and I liked the texture of it, but accepted the fact that I was not a woman who 'did' scarves. This morning, however, I took it out and I draped it across my shoulder. I liked the look, and I wore it. I was worship leader, and for the first time, I noticed that I was not nervous about standing before the church. I did my work, and I did not worry about how I sounded, or how I looked or any of it.
I cannot explain to you what has changed. I only know that it has. I also know that tomorrow, after my meeting and after my appointment, on the way home, I am stopping by the thrift store to take a second look at a pair of extremely high heels I saw. I have this certainty deep inside that I just may be, after all, a woman who steps out in shoes like those.