Sunday, November 15, 2009

Different

Something has happened. I don't know how to put words to it, exactly. Something has changed. When I walked out of the salon after my hair cut, I felt different. I felt good about myself. Usually, to put it bluntly, I don't.

I had company this week, and got the idea to put together an authentic Italian meal. I enjoyed preparing this meal. There was no nervousness that company was coming, and these were new recipes. I moved confidently around my kitchen, following the instructions, and never worried at all.

And then Cara came home, and we went shopping. I am a frugal person, and a careful shopper, especially now, but I saw a pair of high heeled shoes. Extremely high heeled shoes. Completely impractical for life in the woods. Despite that, I wanted them. I looked at those shoes, and I really longed to be a woman who stepped out in shoes like that. Even though they were a good bargain at a second hand store, even though they were my size, I could not bring myself to spend the money. Instead, I bought myself a pair of jeans.

But this morning when I was getting dressed for church, I put on a crisp white shirt. I caught sight of a scarf that BB had sent me last Christmas. I had never worn it. I had experimented with it, trying to cover my bald head, but I felt foolish and self conscious, and couldn't bring myself to wear it out. It hung in my closet and I admired it often. I liked the neutral color, and I liked the texture of it, but accepted the fact that I was not a woman who 'did' scarves. This morning, however, I took it out and I draped it across my shoulder. I liked the look, and I wore it. I was worship leader, and for the first time, I noticed that I was not nervous about standing before the church. I did my work, and I did not worry about how I sounded, or how I looked or any of it.

I cannot explain to you what has changed. I only know that it has. I also know that tomorrow, after my meeting and after my appointment, on the way home, I am stopping by the thrift store to take a second look at a pair of extremely high heels I saw. I have this certainty deep inside that I just may be, after all, a woman who steps out in shoes like those.

14 comments:

WhiteStone said...

Isn't that weird! And wonderful, too. These days I feel really, really good. I don't mean just physically, for I still have twinges that cause me to wonder. But mentally and emotionally, I feel really, really good.

BUSH BABE said...

I have tears in my eyes Deb. At LAST!!! At last, you can see a little of what WE can see...

I want to see those shoes. And glad the scarf did its thing - even if it took a while!
:-)
BB

Caroline said...

Get the shoes!

Laura Jane said...

Why not? Go for it!

Donna said...

I could use a dose of that.

Karen said...

Glad to hear that you're feeling so confident! After going through the flames of cancer, what better way to boost our own confidence level than to pause for a moment, take a long look into our mirror, and see a survivor smiling back? :)

I'm sure your confidence and faith was evident to others in church, and what a great testimony for all to see...

Each day is SUCH a blessing!

Mikey said...

Buy those shoes!! Wear them around the house if you have to, but go ahead and buy them. They'll make you feel even better :)
I used to wear high heels for my town job years ago, but now... sadly, my horses are not impressed. But I still wear them sometimes!!! Just BECAUSE.

A Novel Woman said...

Shoes or no shoes, it's sometimes enough to know you could wear 'em. Way to step out!

Bill of Wasilla said...

So often, during these times that you have not felt so good, you have made me feel good.

I just wish that I could take a photograph of you wearing your new shoes.

Karen said...

I guess the REAL question is this: Do the shoes go well with the scarf? LOL

Lydia said...

This is the best thing I have heard in days. Thanks so much for sharing Deb, you really are a blessing. I'm glad that you are getting comfortable in your own skin, it is a really good place to be.

Kelly said...

I hope you went back and got those shoes today!

Daria said...

I'm so happy for you ...

Lori said...

Good for you!!