Sometimes things happen that sort of raise the dust in life, don't they? I mean, one minute, you're standing there admiring the view, and the next thing you know, you can't see anything for the flying debris. You grab hold of the sturdiest thing (or person) you can find, and you hold tight. The dust from the latest storm has begun to settle.
Today was the appointment with the oncologist, and I explained to her that I want to know. Maybe I didn't ask the right questions before. Maybe I was a little too passive. This time is going to be different. She explained what they had done before, the big picture. Pieces clicked together that I did not understand. She is a good person, and she is compassionate. I am comfortable with her. I said, "I just want to be sure at the end of this that all the i's are dotted and the t's crossed. I don't want to ever look back and wonder if I did everything possible." She understood. She assures me that she feels the same.
There's a fourth spot, in my left pelvic area. 'Do I have trouble walking' Yes. I hobble around like an old lady in the morning. I've fallen off my flipping porch twice in the last couple months because my ankle just gives way beneath me. I thought it was the tamoxifen. A bone scan is ordered for next week. We discuss stopping the tamoxifen, since it didn't seem to stop the recurrence.
I want a second opinion. She's encouraging that wholeheartedly. I will be going back to Pittsburgh. She says that it is a bad sign that the cancer continued to grow despite radiation and chemo. I kind of thought that myself. Surgery is tentatively scheduled for the week of the 21st. Go into the muscle to get the mass in my shoulder. A mastectomy. Last fall, this news would have been devastating. Now, it merely seems logical: my life for a breast? Okay.
Dave commented on the last post that "he has faith in 'us' ". I guess that's what it boils down to, isn't it? Slowly and surely, the dust settles. I am regaining my equilibrium. I can see a little more clearly. And once again, I'm finding I do have faith in 'us'. God, friends, family, the doctors, myself, even the occasional Snickers bar. (Never underestimate the power of a good piece of chocolate in trying times...)
It is what it is.
But, you know what else? I am what I am. I am practical, and strong, and stubborn, and tenacious. I am wise and I am intelligent. I have faith. I'm glad I am me, because, really, I think all of that will come in handy.