Friday, September 4, 2009

Weathering the Storm

Sometimes things happen that sort of raise the dust in life, don't they? I mean, one minute, you're standing there admiring the view, and the next thing you know, you can't see anything for the flying debris. You grab hold of the sturdiest thing (or person) you can find, and you hold tight. The dust from the latest storm has begun to settle.

Today was the appointment with the oncologist, and I explained to her that I want to know. Maybe I didn't ask the right questions before. Maybe I was a little too passive. This time is going to be different. She explained what they had done before, the big picture. Pieces clicked together that I did not understand. She is a good person, and she is compassionate. I am comfortable with her. I said, "I just want to be sure at the end of this that all the i's are dotted and the t's crossed. I don't want to ever look back and wonder if I did everything possible." She understood. She assures me that she feels the same.

There's a fourth spot, in my left pelvic area. 'Do I have trouble walking' Yes. I hobble around like an old lady in the morning. I've fallen off my flipping porch twice in the last couple months because my ankle just gives way beneath me. I thought it was the tamoxifen. A bone scan is ordered for next week. We discuss stopping the tamoxifen, since it didn't seem to stop the recurrence.

I want a second opinion. She's encouraging that wholeheartedly. I will be going back to Pittsburgh. She says that it is a bad sign that the cancer continued to grow despite radiation and chemo. I kind of thought that myself. Surgery is tentatively scheduled for the week of the 21st. Go into the muscle to get the mass in my shoulder. A mastectomy. Last fall, this news would have been devastating. Now, it merely seems logical: my life for a breast? Okay.

Dave commented on the last post that "he has faith in 'us' ". I guess that's what it boils down to, isn't it? Slowly and surely, the dust settles. I am regaining my equilibrium. I can see a little more clearly. And once again, I'm finding I do have faith in 'us'. God, friends, family, the doctors, myself, even the occasional Snickers bar. (Never underestimate the power of a good piece of chocolate in trying times...)

It is what it is.

But, you know what else? I am what I am. I am practical, and strong, and stubborn, and tenacious. I am wise and I am intelligent. I have faith. I'm glad I am me, because, really, I think all of that will come in handy.

13 comments:

Alison said...

Gosh those butt kicking boots suit you.
This is a tough time of year for me, and today, you are my inspiration.
Healing thoughts and prayers always with you.

Bob said...

I have cried reading your last few posts. The words don't necessarily make me sad (although some of them do), but they are so beautifully written that they bring nothing short of tears. This one? Oh my gosh, Debby, I hope you thank God every day for this gift of communicating that you have.

Rhubarb Whine said...

Debby, you write so calmly, so matter of factly, these days. Please know that I am with you, down here. Hugs.

Bush Babe said...

Oh man... I was doing good til I read Bob's comment. Nail on the head, Bob!

Debby if you don't take this chance to WRITE A BLESSED BOOK, woman... I will do something drastic!! *thinks frantically of something dastardly to do* I'll POST PHOTOS of GOANNAS every day til you give in and start it!! So there...

And I love it when people see clearly who they are... it takes a whole lot of nasty to make it happen sometimes, but boy... you are what you are. Pretty damned impressive.
{{hugs}}
BB

Kelly said...

Ya know...I think BB is right. You should write a book! You definitely have a way with words and you have been such an encouragement throughout all your ups and downs!!

(((HUGS)))

Jayne said...

Deb, I got nothing except kick the crap out of that mongrel cancer.
And what BB said.

A GA Peach said...

Debbie, I only know you through your posts, but I pray to have the opportunity to get to you know over the coming years. Hang tough, stay prayerful, be grounded in your strength and the love of your family.

Pam said...

"But, you know what else? I am what I am. I am practical, and strong, and stubborn, and tenacious. I am wise and I am intelligent. I have faith. I'm glad I am me, because, really, I think all of that will come in handy."

There you go. That's you in a nutshell! You're strong and you're a fighter. You also have a network of friends to support you. You have prayers.

I'm here for you.

steviewren said...

Debby, maybe your book should be daily devotions for women facing the overwhelming things that happen. You have a way of bring the point back to the core things. I love that about you.

Praying....always.

Scotty said...

I doff my hat to your strength and your positive attitude, Debby. Chin up.

Caroline said...

It is what it is. I firmly recommend a pack of miniature snickers bars for your trip to Pittsburgh. I'm thinking of you.

A Novel Woman said...

Beautiful, my dear. You are an amazing woman and an amazing writer.

And anyone who believes in the Power of the Snicker has my support. Snickers, coupled with jumbo olives(eaten together) got me through my first pregnancy.

PaintedPromise said...

ok tears here too... and YES write a book!!! it will be easy... just go back and jack all your own posts ;) and maybe some of the comments too... seriously Deb you should put this all together, somehow, i really think it would be a great inspiration for a lot of people who haven't found their way to blogger-ville...

and A Novel Woman i just gotta say... GROSS!!!!!! Snickers and OLIVES???????? eaten TOGETHER?????????????? and i was about to have lunch {sigh}