These last seven weeks have been a very hard time. I'm practical and I really tried hard to be sensible and wise for the kids. I've been looking squarely at (and dealt with) the impending loss of my breast. I've been dealing with some really terrible pain which interferes with sleep. The tiredness makes the pain harder to deal with, and so the cat begins to chase its tail. I have been, I'm sorry to say, fearful. Miraculously, I've gone from understanding that cancer was back to hearing the words 'there is nothing in your breast' and 'whatever it is in your shoulder, it has not infiltrated your bones, so this makes metatastic breast cancer unlikely'. It's been explained to me that chronic pain is actually unfortunately not a rare side effect of chemo and radiation, although my pain is not where they would expect a problem. The doctor matter of factly tells us that palliative care is hugely important and that getting a handle on the pain is going to be the biggest priority right now.
I've driven to Pittsburgh twice this week. I will get up at 3 AM and head out on that long drive there one more time. I'm concerned about the lung thing. On the same token, is there a lung thing? What about the pelvis? I don't know anymore. This is all so confusing. I'm gladdened by the news, but afraid of the issues that haven't been addressed, and still, there is this truly awful pain in my shoulder. I find myself sitting here tonight trying to make sense of it, and I can't. I want to cry. I desperately want to cry. I think that it would help. I want to cry tears of gratitude, and relief, and frustration, and release, praising tears, cleansing tears that will wash the seven weeks of fear right out of my body.
I don't know how to feel. I don't know what to think, and worst of all, I can't cry. Who would have thought that good news would come as such a shock?