Sunday, September 13, 2009

One Day at a Time

Mikey, I got your card today. Thank you. And you give that little cowgirl a hug for me, and tell me that the picture made me feel loads better. Mercy writes very well for a kidlet of her age group.

I am feeling better over myself. Please understand. It is not as if I don't have hope. I do. But facts is facts, Jack. Badgering a poor oncologist into giving you information that she simply doesn't have yet, urging her to 'guess', talking about gut feelings...ack. I was like a small child begging for a fairy tale. I've given myself a good talking to, and am back on firmer footing today.

This will be a busy week for me. I will take three different trips to Pittsburgh. It will be a lot of driving, and it will be driving in the big city, which is not my cup of tea. Mary, God love her, arranged her schedule to go with me Monday and Tuesday. I'm so grateful, I cannot tell you. It is likely to be overwhelming, and the idea of having a calm friend along is very comforting. Thursday will be an all day thing. Tim is going with me that day. By the end of that long day, we will have our facts. We will have a clear idea of what is going to happen next. Nearly 7 weeks of waiting have really taken a toll on me.

Next week, unless something earthshaking comes out of Pittsburgh, there will be surgery. I've always been a self conscious person. I was invited to go to a spa in October, and I find myself cold at the thought that others might see my fresh scars and the place where once I had a breast (breasts? dunno). Mary had drainage in place for weeks. Really. I just can't bring myself to go to a spa. At the risk of hurting feelings, I turn the invitation down. In trying to explain to Tim, I suddenly realize that I'm not anxious for the moment when he sees this for the first time, which opens up a whole new area for me to fret about. Yeah. I can't get too far ahead of myself. The challenges of this week are enough to handle.

I imagine that I'll handle it like I handle everything else. One day at a time. And some days, I'll fall apart. Some nights I'll be sitting in front of a computer at o'dark-thirty trying to put words to what keeps me awake that night (and usually failing miserably...) Some days, I'll take a deep breath and forge on bravely. Some days, I'll be wise for my children. Some days, overwhelmed, I will turn to my friends. One by one, these trying days will click by, and then, once again, the present will recede into the past. Life goes on.

8 comments:

Mrs. Spit said...

One day at a time, remembering that you are not alone!

kpaeck said...

Well we are both sitting here awake at o'dark-thirty something. Me, because I just got home from work and have to unwind before I go to bed, but now I have been sitting here reading your blogs. I am proud of you, ya know! Your attitude and perseverance are inspiring. I know how difficult it is for you to have hope and I am so glad that you do have hope. We all have hope for the best outcome for you. As we talked about the other day, we can hope for the best and be prepared for the worst. I know it is easier said than done, but I know you have faith. Faith in yourself and faith that God will see you through! That is all you can do is take it one day at a time and remember that life does go on and we are here for you always! Love ya!

rhubarbwhine said...

What choice do we have, other than one day at a time? And each day we have, we can give thanks for the one passed, and give praise for the fact that we have another to experience.

WhiteStone said...

Well, I wasn't in front of my computer at o'dark-thirty but I may as well have been. Instead I was staring at the ceiling, rolling from side to side, and hoping to fall asleep...which didn't happen until about 5 am. I thought about you last night, altho that is not why I was awake. I've been doing that lately, no matter what time I go to bed. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. This is another step in your journey. Be strong and know that we love you. Trust God that He knows what He's doing with your life. (I keep reminding myself that last line.)

Kelly said...

Definitely 'one day at a time', but much easier said than done, I know.

Glad you clarified that you'd be going back and forth to Pittsburg. I didn't know how far that was from where you live and whether it would require staying there for the week (and thus, you not being near your computer to share with us!). Now isn't that selfish of me!? But, I really do care about what's going on with you and find myself checking right away when I see a new post from you so I'll know how you're doing.

Still praying and sending you (((hugs)))!

jeanie said...

Imagine if we could chose which day comes next. Would we have all of our bad days at once to get them over with? Would we try to combine them in a way to make them palatable? Or would we put them off, feeling more and more dread as they approached with no reprieve?

Anyhow, enough Monday morning kitchen table philosophy from me - I don't have answers and we can't cross bridges until we come to them (we can change our tyres, however, so it is a smoother ride).

I think a little knowledge and preparedness is new tyres - but worrying about windscreen wipers won't help on sunny days.

Gaa - I got up too early and the analogies are absolutely awful. (as is the alliteration)

Good luck this week - we are all in that car with you too.

Pam said...

One day at a time is all any of us can do, Debs. At my age life is too short to even want to jump ahead.

I can imagine what this next week will be like for you. Relief? Dread? Perhaps a combination of the two. I'm sure you'll run the emotional gamut.

You have friends in all corners. We've got you covered in any way we can.

I'm still here with my prayers. I also carry you in a special place in my thoughts as you take this journey this coming week. And beyond.

Gentle hugs.

A Novel Woman said...

It is what it is. (sigh)

We'll be thinking about you this week.