Mikey, I got your card today. Thank you. And you give that little cowgirl a hug for me, and tell me that the picture made me feel loads better. Mercy writes very well for a kidlet of her age group.
I am feeling better over myself. Please understand. It is not as if I don't have hope. I do. But facts is facts, Jack. Badgering a poor oncologist into giving you information that she simply doesn't have yet, urging her to 'guess', talking about gut feelings...ack. I was like a small child begging for a fairy tale. I've given myself a good talking to, and am back on firmer footing today.
This will be a busy week for me. I will take three different trips to Pittsburgh. It will be a lot of driving, and it will be driving in the big city, which is not my cup of tea. Mary, God love her, arranged her schedule to go with me Monday and Tuesday. I'm so grateful, I cannot tell you. It is likely to be overwhelming, and the idea of having a calm friend along is very comforting. Thursday will be an all day thing. Tim is going with me that day. By the end of that long day, we will have our facts. We will have a clear idea of what is going to happen next. Nearly 7 weeks of waiting have really taken a toll on me.
Next week, unless something earthshaking comes out of Pittsburgh, there will be surgery. I've always been a self conscious person. I was invited to go to a spa in October, and I find myself cold at the thought that others might see my fresh scars and the place where once I had a breast (breasts? dunno). Mary had drainage in place for weeks. Really. I just can't bring myself to go to a spa. At the risk of hurting feelings, I turn the invitation down. In trying to explain to Tim, I suddenly realize that I'm not anxious for the moment when he sees this for the first time, which opens up a whole new area for me to fret about. Yeah. I can't get too far ahead of myself. The challenges of this week are enough to handle.
I imagine that I'll handle it like I handle everything else. One day at a time. And some days, I'll fall apart. Some nights I'll be sitting in front of a computer at o'dark-thirty trying to put words to what keeps me awake that night (and usually failing miserably...) Some days, I'll take a deep breath and forge on bravely. Some days, I'll be wise for my children. Some days, overwhelmed, I will turn to my friends. One by one, these trying days will click by, and then, once again, the present will recede into the past. Life goes on.