Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Like A Baby

This latest twist has thrown me for a loop I guess. I woke up in the night, and my shoulder ached horribly, sending shooting pains to my ring finger and little finger. I realized that it was a nerve issue, but laying there in the dark, my mind began to spin off. This was a new situation. Had this stuff in my shoulder grown that much since last week? It wasn't pressing on a nerve then. Is it even possible for cancer to grow that quickly? I got afraid. Am I making the right decision about holding everything up for a second opinion? Suddenly, I felt very uncertain about what I was doing. Maybe I should have just opted for surgery ASAP. Dunno. I laid there, and fretted in the dark for awhile, and finally got up to take something.

But this morning, instead of 'sucking it up', instead of calling myself names, I just went to the cancer center, and I said, "Listen. The situation has changed. What does this nerve pain mean? Can cancer grow this fast? Should we be looking at this differently?"

It felt good to talk to the experts, to listen to their take. It was a relief to hear the oncologist say, 'You know, I just really want this surgery done as soon as possible, but I don't think it's a mistake to get the second opinion first.'

I'm tired, and I'm going to take a little nap. If acting like a big baby allows you to sleep like one, well, I guess that I'm kind of all for that.

11 comments:

Mrs. Spit said...

I think I have learned this, sometimes you have to trust the experts. I think you did a really wise thing, asking them for feedback, and I think you are going to have to trust them that you have time for a second opinion.

Still praying.

Chez said...

Debby, seems you are using your intuition which, I believe, can be useful.
There is nothing more to fear than fear itself.
Hope the nap helped...

PaintedPromise said...

naps are wonderful... hope you have a good one!!!

Caroline said...

If I were you I would want that second opinion. And my mind would be sending me down those dark roads to hell that are paved with 'oh, no, has it spread'. Hang in there. Have you asked your onc for something like Ativan to destress you?

Lydia said...

I am so glad you are getting past the idea of getting more information and asking for help is a sign of weakness. I am really proud of you for going in and getting what you need. It is a valuable skill to learn.

Yea Debby!

Kayleigh said...

I firmly believe in getting second (and third) opinions...the most surprising part of EVERYTHING that has come at me since being diagnosed w/breast cancer is the huge disparity between opinions. I am happy with my choices thus far, but had I listened to my first opinion it would have been a far different outcome.

Also...you mentioned getting a mammo in a previous post...can they do an MRI too? MRI's are more sensitive. You do run the risk of some false positives, but a good radiologist can usually sort that out.

May I ask you a question? If I am overstepping then just don't answer it, ignore me, you've got quite enough to deal with as I well know. But is reconstruction being discussed and/or are you comfortable with the cosmetic options offered to you? It's a VERY personal choice and no ones place to question it, I'm just hoping you've been offered enough options to make your own decision.

Again, hope I'm not trodding on sensitive ground, not my intent.

Someone who's been there just left a comment on my blog that goes something like this: "it's a convoluted path you have to take with one eye closed."

True enough, or what?

Bush Babe said...

So. Not. A. Baby.
RULE #1. Be good to Debby.
(And don't you forget it woman!!!)

Debby said...

Kayleigh: Reconstruction has not yet been discussed. I suppose that it should be, probably before surgery. I'm leaving the option open, but don't know. Surprisingly, I cannot visualize life after surgery. One step at a time I suppose.

Laura Jane said...

You're not a baby. You're a grown-up with tough stuff going on, and its entirely appropriate that you should be alert and thinking about these things. Look at the good decisions you have made about going back to the cancer center for a discussion.

If I may weigh into the debate about reconstruction. Most women I know who have one breast removed have recon. If double is the decision (or the future possibility)then don't bother. Having said that, I think lop-sidedness would be a hassle.

I know one woman who had really large breasts and a double mastectomy, with no recon, and when she was doubting her choice a month later her son said to her...Oh Mom, you are so much more than boobs or some hair to me. I am so happy to have YOU, just you. I saw her 5 years to the day from her diagnosis (she lives in WI, USA and I'm in Australia, I hadn't seen her at all since it happened) and barely could pick any difference in her at all, and it wasn't until she mentioned that she had had a double mastectomy that I even remembered she used to have large breasts.

ANother friend had breast Ca in 1980 and has had some recurrences in bone in 1999, and 2008 and each time they have hit it HARD with chemo and radio to the max, and she is now 79 and just as cheerful and intelligent, and 'embarassingly healthy' (to use her quote) as ever.

Hang in there darlin, thinking of you

jeanie said...

I think you couldn't be more unlike a baby - I am so glad you went and got your mind put a little to rest, and hope you got some quality rest in today.

Redlefty said...

I'm been powerfully reminded this week that babies sleep like crap.