This latest twist has thrown me for a loop I guess. I woke up in the night, and my shoulder ached horribly, sending shooting pains to my ring finger and little finger. I realized that it was a nerve issue, but laying there in the dark, my mind began to spin off. This was a new situation. Had this stuff in my shoulder grown that much since last week? It wasn't pressing on a nerve then. Is it even possible for cancer to grow that quickly? I got afraid. Am I making the right decision about holding everything up for a second opinion? Suddenly, I felt very uncertain about what I was doing. Maybe I should have just opted for surgery ASAP. Dunno. I laid there, and fretted in the dark for awhile, and finally got up to take something.
But this morning, instead of 'sucking it up', instead of calling myself names, I just went to the cancer center, and I said, "Listen. The situation has changed. What does this nerve pain mean? Can cancer grow this fast? Should we be looking at this differently?"
It felt good to talk to the experts, to listen to their take. It was a relief to hear the oncologist say, 'You know, I just really want this surgery done as soon as possible, but I don't think it's a mistake to get the second opinion first.'
I'm tired, and I'm going to take a little nap. If acting like a big baby allows you to sleep like one, well, I guess that I'm kind of all for that.