Last night, I was tired and discouraged at the fact that I still don't know what's going on. I went to bed early with my Bible and read that God has heard my request. That's good enough for me, right now anyway. I fall asleep with one final prayer. I accept His will, but I also pray for resolution, for knowing, one way or the other. I've got MRIs Thursday, and another appointment at the Cancer Center on Friday. I just want to know. I fell asleep (with the help of an ativan) and I slept the clock around. My shoulder woke me up a couple of times but I was so tired I fell back to sleep quickly. It's been an exhausting week and I guess that I was tireder than I thought.
This morning is surprisingly cool and we have a wood fire going for the second time of the season. When your bones ache, the heat is a comfort. We get up early because today we are going to the Farmer's Market.
Today at the Farmer's Market, we ran into lots of folks we knew and enjoyed visiting in the cold morning air. I met another breast cancer survivor. I've talked to her on the phone but never met her. She is a rugged and strong lady who operates heavy equipment for a living. Oh, she's a hoot. She waved her hand at me. An earlier injury cost her three fingers. She airily said, 'If I can live with half a hand, well, half a boob? That ain't nuthing.' I about fell over laughing. I do so love characters, people that are strong and true and themselves. Every few steps, it seemed like we were running into somebody else to talk to, and I enjoyed that feeling of belonging, and connectedness.
Today at Farmer's Market, I bought myself a bag of Fair Exchange coffee beans. What a treat! I bought my last bag of coffee beans from the store. Even though it was a brand I'd used before, there was no rich aroma when I ground the beans and the stuff brewed up pale and puny. Ack. When I opened my new bag of beans, they fell into my hand rich and shiny, and when I ground them, I got a little caffeine buzz just from the smell. The coffee brewed up black and strong. I sip on my mug slowly, and with each sip, my mind sighs "mmmmmmmmmm..."
Today at Farmer's market, we got strawberry/rhubarb jam along with a loaf of homemade bread for breakfast tomorrow. I got some Hungarian peppers for stuffing. We bought some home cured bacon. I found the biggest tomato I've seen in forever. Just huge. We had BLTs for lunch today. Well. Sort of. Tim had bacon and lettuce. He hates tomatoes. I had tomato and lettuce (no bacon) with lots of fresh ground black pepper. We used a wonderful 12 grain bread. It was a quiet and companionable meal, the two of us sitting at the table savoring those delicious sandwiches.
Today, I got a package from Susan. A while back, I wrote 'I am regaining my equilibrium. I can see a little more clearly. And once again, I'm finding I do have faith in 'us'. God, friends, family, the doctors, myself, even the occasional Snickers bar.' I received a package in the mail today. Susan sent me an entire case of Snickers. An entire case! Oh my gosh, I laughed so hard, even through my tears. Susan's husband is laid off, and she's cut back to four days a week at her job. The last thing she should have thought about is sending me a case of Snickers. "I oughta kick her butt," I said to Tim. And Tim said, "You might want to tell the woman that you put 1200 miles on the car this week. If you ever decide to drive in a straight line, you could easily end up in Arizona. Remind her that you have her address." Okay. Susan? You're warned. And thank you.
This has been a crazy time, really, but the little things do make a huge difference. Devotions. Friends. A warm house. Goooooooood coffee. A simple, delicious meal savored at a quiet table with your fine husband. A good chunk of sleep. Oh. And never underestimate the power of chocolate during trying times.