Only 5 more days until this PET scan. I try to take comfort in Dr. B's words: "The blood work looks good." I think of all the other things that this mass could be. I rely on my faith. I go through my days, one at a time, ticking them off, each on bringing me closer to Finding Out For Sure.
In the midst of all of this, however, there is one thing. My shoulder hurts. It hurts a lot. Perhaps I'm just more conscious of it, I argue to myself. Maybe now that I know about the mass, that knowledge just sort of preys on my mind, manifesting as pain because of my own worries about the unknown. Yeah. That's it, don't you think that sounds logical? Except that this pain is now waking me up at night. Except that that pain seems to be more severe, radiating into the long bone of my upper arm and into my back. Bad enough to send me looking through the medicine cabinet for something to ease it. And that broken sleep probably explains today's event: I have been trying to get as many last minute treatments done in as many mosquito 'hot spots' as I can before the job is done. Complicating matters is the fact that because of the heavy rains, underbrush has grown up heavy and thick, meaning that I have to fight my way into some areas with a running back pack sprayer on. Today, treating one such area, I went in, twice. Using up the second tank of larvicide, I walked back to the truck. For the first time, I simply could not go on. I was just too physically tired to continue treating the area. So I stopped. What does it matter anyway? The job is ending.
Last summer, I remember one thing. I was stumble footed. I kept tripping over my own feet. It aggravated me more than words can say and there were even a couple of bad falls. ("Graceless cow! Pick up your feet!") It did not make sense to me that I was so tired, and it is not my nature to baby myself. Impatiently, I pushed myself. Then I found out I had cancer.
Am I a big baby? Is this all my imagination? I cannot tell you what a relief it will be to just get this PET scan over and done with, to finally know one way or the other. The questions are driving me nuts.