Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Weighing the Facts

Only 5 more days until this PET scan. I try to take comfort in Dr. B's words: "The blood work looks good." I think of all the other things that this mass could be. I rely on my faith. I go through my days, one at a time, ticking them off, each on bringing me closer to Finding Out For Sure.

In the midst of all of this, however, there is one thing. My shoulder hurts. It hurts a lot. Perhaps I'm just more conscious of it, I argue to myself. Maybe now that I know about the mass, that knowledge just sort of preys on my mind, manifesting as pain because of my own worries about the unknown. Yeah. That's it, don't you think that sounds logical? Except that this pain is now waking me up at night. Except that that pain seems to be more severe, radiating into the long bone of my upper arm and into my back. Bad enough to send me looking through the medicine cabinet for something to ease it. And that broken sleep probably explains today's event: I have been trying to get as many last minute treatments done in as many mosquito 'hot spots' as I can before the job is done. Complicating matters is the fact that because of the heavy rains, underbrush has grown up heavy and thick, meaning that I have to fight my way into some areas with a running back pack sprayer on. Today, treating one such area, I went in, twice. Using up the second tank of larvicide, I walked back to the truck. For the first time, I simply could not go on. I was just too physically tired to continue treating the area. So I stopped. What does it matter anyway? The job is ending.

Last summer, I remember one thing. I was stumble footed. I kept tripping over my own feet. It aggravated me more than words can say and there were even a couple of bad falls. ("Graceless cow! Pick up your feet!") It did not make sense to me that I was so tired, and it is not my nature to baby myself. Impatiently, I pushed myself. Then I found out I had cancer.

Am I a big baby? Is this all my imagination? I cannot tell you what a relief it will be to just get this PET scan over and done with, to finally know one way or the other. The questions are driving me nuts.

12 comments:

Caroline said...

You are not a baby. Scanxiety is a horrible nasty thing with the only cure of the arrival of the actual exam/procedure/test. Five days to go? If it was me I would plan every inch of my days to keep me busy so I can't dwell. At the end of that time, I would have a very clean house, a full freezer of food, and a weeded garden to say the least. Also, if I had any medication to help sleep at night I would take it. My advice to you at this point is to call your doctor at tell them you are stressed and need something to sleep between now and the exam and need something for the pain in your shoulder. Anything to help you get through the next five days. But I'll be thinking of you!

Bush Babe said...

A lot has taken a lot out of you in the past few months, and I am praying as hard as you that there is a different answer this time.

You are not a big baby... Or even a sook! And I doubt your pain is in your imagination. But I am pinning my money on it being something ELSE causing it. EVERYTHING is crossed for ya!
{hugs}
BB

Anonymous said...

Oh Deb, I am thinking of you and sending you what relief I can through the ether - hope it gets there! Perhaps the extra hard work you are giving your body may be at least part, if not the whole of the answer,? I surely hope so. And for those of us sisters and brothers in the post-c world, everything out of the ordinary can be a worry. May this one fade into the past for you as just another one of those. I think Caroline has some good advice there and I agree, no-one could call you a baby. Love and hugs from downunda Barb

WhiteStone said...

Woman! You push yourself too hard! Your body has been sapped and hit hard this past year. Even though you may think you are back to normal, your body still is dealing with the hits. Ease off, will ya! Do what you have to do for the pain.

And when your mind gets reeling with all of the uncertainty, get into the word. God is our refuge. In strength. And in sorrow. He's leading each one of us on our paths and we keep arguing, "This is not the path I want!". But it is our path. And we don't get to see around the next corner till we get there.

So walk easy till the 31st.

I'm praying this pain is connected to the recent episode and that the scans show that, so that you can let your mind rest as well as your body. And I pray the pain eases off in the meantime.

God bless you this week.

steviewren said...

Debby, my heart goes out to you. Night pain always intensify fears. I'm praying that you will be able to get the rest you need. Counting the days down with you.

ps looked for pictures of cows last night...needed some inspiration.

Kelly said...

No, you're definitely not being a 'baby'. I can't imagine anyone's anxiety level not being sky high having to wait so long for a test.

Praying for you!!

PaintedPromise said...

aw Deb. BIG HUGS!life is so hard right now isn't it... but God is still here and so are we :)

Hal Johnson said...

Debby, you sure as heck aren't a baby. I'm pulling for you.

Anonymous said...

Debby,

I can tell from your posts you are one courageous lady. I've enjoyed reading your posts tonight and I totally sympathize with what you are feeling. God is bigger than cancer. I will be praying for you. Long distance hugs from a breast cancer sister,
Kerry
www.kerryosborne.blogspot.com

Amy said...

let me worry for you. i wish i could take the pain for you. fear is awful. oh i hope everything will be ok.

Bob said...

No you're not a baby but if you wanted to be, that would be OK.

Driving home this afternoon I thought of you, knowing the procedure would be soon. I prayed, and I prayed some more. Blessings . . . .

Bob said...

Oh yeah --- love the new look! :-)