Saturday, July 4, 2009

Thinking

It just strikes me as odd that reading those old e-mails a couple nights ago, it just felt for the first time as if I had come through something big and life changing, but it also felt a bit as if I'd won, as if I'd accomplished something. Those months passed in a fog. I went back, after reading them, and re-read the blog. I am glad that Mikey nagged me into blogging. I'm glad that those days are there for me to see before my eyes. It was a life in transformation, a faith in blossom, a family drawing close. You all were along for the ride, and you did a good job of encouraging. As I read it seemed that really, for the first time, cancer was part of my past. I haven't ever really felt as if I'd finished with it. Finding the lump in my armpit (actually it is below my armpit, as far back from the breast as you can get, on the inside edge of my shoulder blade) was a bit ironic. Is it cancer? I don't know, and I'm not jumping to any conclusions. I'm pretty sensible that way. I did however want to hear the words "This? Oh, this isn't anything..." but of course it was the Thursday before the long holiday weekend, and there is not a doctor to be found. Not in the office anyway. *sigh* Tell you though, if I see mine biking by in his little racing suit, I'm chasing him down and having him 'feel that, right there' right in the middle of the road.

Yesterday, I dug hostas in the rain. One of the houses downtown is overgrown with them. I had a truckload of five gallon hostas. Seriously. A truck load. Unable to let a plant go to waste, I brought them home, and planted them along the northside of the house, around the ornamental pond. Yes, Doris, one day I will show you a picture, and tell you how I did it, but now it is not 'ready'. I planted cattails in it, and it has a lily pad, and it has a water hyancinth. It also has two fish, 'Ghost' and 'Bawly' (it has a white face, like a Hereford, and in Oz, they call white faced cows 'bawly', though I've yet to figure why, but it did make a nice name) While I don't see Ghost and Bawly regularly, I do have the cutest little frog that hopped over and decided to stay, and I see him every single day. Anyways, so I planted these huge hostas, again, in the rain. (will it ever stop?)

I took a shower, and then Tim and I went downtown to get some pictures. I found some garden finials, about 3 feet tall, marked down from $40 to $10. I bought two. I also bought the makings for a huge fruit salad. This is the day of the reunion, when Tim's family gathers at the brick oven once again to bake all manner of bread, and in happy carbed out bliss, we will sit and socialize. Probably in the rain.

Tonight, I am making the ultimate sacrifice. I am going to the races with my husband. I hate the races. We're going to Erie to see the big races, and although I've never been, I don't expect that they will excite me any more than the races I've been to already. However, Tim really loves the races, and there will be a huge fireworks display. Tonight will be his night. I will sit at my husband's side, and I will watch the races. Probably in the rain.

So, no. I'm not sitting around obsessing. The lump is a disconcerting discovery, and I am acutely aware of it. It immediately crossed my mind 'I cannot do this again' followed by the immediate knowledge that I could, which was followed by the instantaneous internal snarl of 'Okay, I can, but I do not want to. Not at all. Not even a little'. I'd rather eat pickled pigs feet than do that again. I'd rather pick up a snake than do that again. I'd rather go to the flipping car races every blessed Saturday night than to 'do' cancer again.

But. In the end, it is what it is. It either is, or it isn't, and there's not much I can do to influence the outcome. So this weekend, I'm celebrating. Happy Fourth of July, America!

9 comments:

Kelly said...

I want to see pictures of your pond! I have a friend who built one and hers is lovely. Do you have a little waterfall or any kind of fountain in it recirculating the water? Oh... and try to get the fish to pose, too.

Now you're probably thinging, "okay, sure...anything else, bossy??"

WhiteStone said...

Yep, Lady, you HAVE come through something big and life changing. With courage and fortitude. BTW, I just had to go back and find your previous post about the brick oven...it was easy to find using google.. the family sure does know how to bake good bread!

quid said...

Have a great 4th, Deb! Keep thinking positive thoughts.


quid

Caroline said...

I hope you enjoy the races - who knows - if you have never been, perhaps they will be better than you thought. At any rate, it will be better than sitting at home and thinking those evil little 'what if' thoughts. Go enjoy yourself and Happy Fourth!

Scotty said...

Happy 4th of July to you and yours, Debby.

Anonymous said...

Wow - wish you could send some of that rain over here Deb. We could sure use it. Some parts of Australia nearly got washed away last summer, but not us! And some got burnt, but thanks be to God, not us, either so we do have a bright side. But we COULD use just a little. Your garden must be shaping up beautifully. I have just read a book on Monet and I thought of his garden when I was reading of your pond.
The explanation of our name for Hereford and Hereford cross cattle is in the spelling - it is actually "Baldy", which is self - evident I think. Hope it is also to all out there. Didn't really want to push the spelling wagon but had to clear that one up.
I will be thinking of you this week Deb. There is no doubt being out in God's garden is grounding though. I think all dedicated gardeners such as you are so blessed to have that outlet.
Love and hugs again Barb

Debby said...

So last year, Barb, you were between hell and high water?

Anonymous said...

Something like that Deb. We were actually hoping the high water would make it but it went west instead. Oh well, we are very good at waiting! Barb

Bush Babe said...

Hope your Fourth of July was worth the massive sacrifice of attending the races... I am not quite clear but was it horse races or motor races? Just so I can have a clear mental picture of Debby being stoic in the correct setting!

Glad to see my mother has set you straight on the Bawly/Bawldy fiasco. Sigh ...*steels onesself to trudge back into archives to amend spelling!*

And if you see that doctor.. I'd follow my instincts. If the man insists on riding a bike around the neighbourhood, he can expect a good tackling from local ladies. (Ahem)
:-)
Hugs
BB