I'm not sure what has happened. I couldn't tell you for sure. I was surprised that after cancer treatment was done, I did not feel like cancer was done. It was a changing of gears, I guess, moving from the actual fight to the quiet watchfulness that comes afterwards. I'm taking the tamoxifen, and will for five years. This is supposed to reduce the chance of recurrence. I'm having a time with the joint aches, and in the morning, I hobble around like an old lady (no smart cracks please!) until I get everything loosened up. Finding another lump was a shocker, and the biopsy was a sickening deja vu, although the results were completely different. But now, a week later, what I am discovering is that I feel like 'I had cancer'. Like I'm past it.
I cannot tell you what has triggered this, but I am glad for it.
Right now, I'm so busy. Company coming. Going to a retreat with Mary. Going to a concert with my husband this weekend. I found out today that I will not be losing my job, after all. (*Chagrined smile* I have applications out on other jobs...) Pondering a big project. Working in my garden. Cara's coming home, and then heading back to school in a week. So much going on. NONE of it involves cancer.
This is what I know for sure. For the time being, anyway, I am done with cancer. I've rejoined the real world, changed, wiser (I think so, but I suppose it depends on who you're asking...), joyous deep inside myself, a joy that has nothing to do with my circumstances. It's a remarkable feeling, and I cannot stop marveling at this. For the first time, I realize that I'm again looking forward, and there are no niggling worries about what lies down the road.