Today I was driving, thinking about things. I have been feeling increasingly 'led'. Tim is convinced of the direction that I should go. He's prayed about it and he believes that he has his answer. I prayed about it too, but I am more cautious about thinking that I know what to do next. I realized that the problem is that I have some pretty crappy self esteem. Really. Setting out on this new path would required me to believe in myself. I suck at believing in myself.
"I want to be a biology teacher." (You've always thought you were better than anyone else.)I'm not going to make a career out of the Army. Can I live at home while I look for a place to live? I have a job. (Go ahead, come on home, be a loser.) When my marriage fell apart, the response was 'You made your bed, now you can lie in it.' It doesn't matter what has happened, if I am anywhere around, it will be my fault. I heard my mother say, once, crying, "I feel like a big zero." I get that. Totally. I don't fit in my family. I'm a zero too. Family dynamics are a strange thing. I've walked away from the anger and the fighting and the accusations. I will never have a valid point of view. My opinion will never matter. It is what it is.
While I am content with my choices, while I'm at peace with my life, the fact remains, my self-esteem sucks. I have good and supportive friends and relatives and readers and all of it. Today I was trying to come to grips with this decision, praying about it, weighing things, and the inner dialogue went something like "Just who do you think you are?!!!" The voice varied between my parents, or my ex or the bosses at my last job, but over and over, as I pondered things, I kept hearing it. "Who in the hell do you think you are?" I spent the whole day trying to get comfortable with what come next, to figure out what to do next, to step out in faith, all of it, but running like a little tape was "Who does she think she is?" Finally, everlastingly weary of the whole thing, I did what I've been doing for the last week. I handed it over to God once again with a 'Your will, not my will, be done', and it came one more time. "Who do you think you are?"