Monday, June 29, 2009

Who do I think I am?

Life's happening here. Looks like the times, they are a-changing. I don't know for sure what is going to happen, and it just seems unfair that you should know before I do, so you'll just have to wait.

Today I was driving, thinking about things. I have been feeling increasingly 'led'. Tim is convinced of the direction that I should go. He's prayed about it and he believes that he has his answer. I prayed about it too, but I am more cautious about thinking that I know what to do next. I realized that the problem is that I have some pretty crappy self esteem. Really. Setting out on this new path would required me to believe in myself. I suck at believing in myself.

"I want to be a biology teacher." (You've always thought you were better than anyone else.)I'm not going to make a career out of the Army. Can I live at home while I look for a place to live? I have a job. (Go ahead, come on home, be a loser.) When my marriage fell apart, the response was 'You made your bed, now you can lie in it.' It doesn't matter what has happened, if I am anywhere around, it will be my fault. I heard my mother say, once, crying, "I feel like a big zero." I get that. Totally. I don't fit in my family. I'm a zero too. Family dynamics are a strange thing. I've walked away from the anger and the fighting and the accusations. I will never have a valid point of view. My opinion will never matter. It is what it is.

While I am content with my choices, while I'm at peace with my life, the fact remains, my self-esteem sucks. I have good and supportive friends and relatives and readers and all of it. Today I was trying to come to grips with this decision, praying about it, weighing things, and the inner dialogue went something like "Just who do you think you are?!!!" The voice varied between my parents, or my ex or the bosses at my last job, but over and over, as I pondered things, I kept hearing it. "Who in the hell do you think you are?" I spent the whole day trying to get comfortable with what come next, to figure out what to do next, to step out in faith, all of it, but running like a little tape was "Who does she think she is?" Finally, everlastingly weary of the whole thing, I did what I've been doing for the last week. I handed it over to God once again with a 'Your will, not my will, be done', and it came one more time. "Who do you think you are?"
*sigh*
"Yours, God."

9 comments:

Nana Trish is Living the Dream said...

Deb, I can totally relate.I suppose growing up and not feeling like I fit in adds to the low self-esteem. If you are considering going back to school I think it's a wonderful idea. You obviously have determination and I think you would love it. You seem like you would be a great teacher. Your love for the little Amish children helped me to see a very touching sensitive side of you. I didn't graduate until I was nearly 50, but I wouldn't have my job now if I hadn't gone back and finished. I pray you get your answers. Self talk is a powerful thing as you are aware and I pray both of us will be kind to ourselves and learn to love ourselves as others do.

Daria said...

Deb, I too struggle with low self-esteem. Being the youngest of 6, there wasn't much room for my opinion after everyone elses.

Anyways, I'm getting my Human Resources Diploma at the local college ... should be done by the end of the year. One or two courses at a time for the past 5 or so years.

I'm no spring chicken.

Life is short, do what you heart tells you to do.

Daria

Lydia said...

Hey Deb,

I know that struggle of never being good enough, never measuring up. But you do measure up as God's child. What a gift He has given us. To know that He takes us just as we are, and then loves us enough not to leave us that way.

He gave you your talents and gifts, of which you have many. He gave you your strength of body and will. He does have a plan for it. I pray that He be really clear about what it is.

I pray discernment in the days to come.

Kelly said...

I'm praying for you Debby. Trust in Him and He will guide you in the right decisions.

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

I think you have your answer, be who you think you are. If that is a teacher, then there is your answer.

Beth said...

I get the self-esteem thing too. But you have to think about who you are trying to please, who is saying 'who does she think she is' and why do you care what 'they' think? You make good choices, and it sounds like you have good support around you to encourage you (or catch you if you make a mistake)! The silver lining of dealing with breast cancer is that hopefully it makes us stop and think about our life and what is important (as well as who is important).

Good luck!

jeanie said...

Deb, when you hear that "who do you think you are" just remember to puff your chest out proudly and shout "Deb - the best darned Deb I can ever be!!!"

You are allowed to aspire - its a great word and should be wrapped around your esteem.

Laura Jane said...

Debby, just reading of you describing your work in the field....you already ARE a biology teacher hon.

So bite the bulletr and do it for real.

When I was 40 I had a calling too. I decided I wasn't gonna die happy unless I was a midwife....I turned 48 a few weeks ago and I am 2 years qualified and blissfully fulfilling my life's destiny. God's plan for me. The universe said 'about time' when I stuck up my hand and voiced my dream. Everything has fallen into place, like a cosmic conspiracy, like a past life. All my life people have said to me 'are you a midwife?' After 40 years of No I surrendered and said YES!

It is the best thing I have ever done, and I suspect if you feel the same way about being a teacher then it will be a homecoming for you too.

The maturity and U of Life you bring to it is immensely valuable. Go for it. SOON.

THIS is your reward for surviving.

Whattya waiting for?

Lost Librarian said...
This comment has been removed by the author.