Wednesday, April 1, 2009

The Hiding Place

This winter I spent more time within the walls of my home than I've ever spent there in my life. I did not go out a lot. Sometimes, for weeks on end, I went to the cancer center, down to one of the houses to work, to church on Sunday, but not much of anywhere else. I read a lot. I wrote a lot. Then the company that Tim worked for suddenly went out of business. We spent a lot of time together. That was new too, a bit of luxury in a hard time. As I felt better, I was able to cook nice meals and experiment with new recipes. For the first time in a long time, housekeeping was not a slapdash affair. I've never been a full time homemaker before. Even for the few years that I was home with young children, I baby sat others' children during the days, and worked part time in the evening as well. This winter, however, there was nothing. Although I applied for jobs, I was not hired, and I suppose that it worked out for the best.

Monday I go back to work. I went to do the paperwork today. Our agency has been moved. We are in a building with several other agencies. We share the halls with many new and unfamiliar faces. Before I even got to our floor, and our end of the hall, I started feeling self conscious, and pulling at my hat to make sure it was covering my straggles of hair and bare scalp. For the first time, I realized that if I'm going to be honest with myself, I have to admit that staying home this winter was so nice, in part, because I was hiding.


Kelly said...

I can understand this in some ways because I went through a time not that far back where I "hid" in my home, too. Totally different circumstances than yours, though. And in my case, I KNEW I was hiding and made no bones about it!

I look forward to hearing all about life back at work. Just think about all of us cheering you on when you set out Monday!

Karen said...

Sounds like a sanctuary to hide out in while dealing with chemo. Nothing wrong with a little hiding out.

nanatrish said...

Thank you so much for your honesty. I love my job, but some days staying under the covers sounds comforting. I will be praying about your return to the world of work. A new chapter. Debby, you are in my prayers. luv ya, Trish

Dave said...

People can also pick you up amd make life worth living. I guess our attitude has to be right first though? - Dave

Mary Paddock said...

From what I know about you, in the end you'll be drawing on your days for story fodder.

Meanwhile, I totally understand hiding in the safety of your own home while you're going through tough times.

Debby said...

Yep, Dave, you are right. I'm sure as I begin going out into the world each day, I'll quit worrying about the stupid stuff. I imagine that my attitude is out there someplace, waiting for me to come and find it.

Bibi said...

Hi, Debby. Haven't been here for a while, but I have read your past few entries. I too knew what it was like to have the luxury of staying home after I had been diagnosed with lymphoma. Some hiding, too, but not much. I laughed about your stray chin hair.... Same experience.

Caroline said...

In hiding? Not really, maybe in recovery is a better term. I don't know I spent a lot of time at home and by myself while in treatment - but mostly because I didn't feel up to much. I don't consider that I was hiding. Anyway, congratulations on going back to work! Its another big step in the right direction.

Bush Babe said...

Honey, you weren't hiding. You was healin'... in a little sanctuary with your sweetie. The way it should have been.

Blicky Kitty said...

I love to hide. There's something about it that feels soothing to the nervous system. I'm just never able to do it anymore and I don't have a good reason.

I hope your return to work goes well.

Blicky Kitty said...

Oh and you might enjoy this one. :)

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a thousand miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
Love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
Are moving across the landscapes,
Over the prairies and the deep trees,
The mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
Are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
The world offers itself to your imagination,
Calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting-
Over and over announcing your place
In the family of things.

Mary Oliver

Bob said...

"To everything there is a season . . ."

Blessings to you as you begin a new one.

Lori said...

I'm sure that was very normal. I know it would be hard for me, but I hope that getting back to work is working out for you.

Indigo said...

I did the same thing when I lost the last of my hearing and went deaf. It got to the point I was hyper ventilating just walking to the corner by myself.

It takes time to adjust to the changes your body is going through. Most of all it takes strength and courage. All of which you seem to posess. Your in my thoughts dear friend. (Hugs) Indigo