Thursday, February 26, 2009

Fear Factor

When I was at Dylan's house, kneading bread dough, I noticed a sharp pain in the front of my neck whenever I turned my head. Touching it, I was surprised to feel a large lump. I called the cancer center and made an appointment. Then I went on kneading my bread, and set the dough to rise. Inside, whole 'nuther story. It was just heartstopping. It just couldn't be happening. I just finished chemo, for pity's sake! Amazingly, by the end of the day, the lump was gone. This morning, the doctor said she couldn't feel it either, and speculated that it might have been a swollen lymph node.


I keep thinking of that sharp shock of fear when I felt that lump. I'm a pretty calm person, not given over to fearfulness. Well. At least I used to be. Cancer has changed me. I find myself wondering if things will ever go back to normal, or is this the new me?

13 comments:

Mary Paddock said...

Is that what worried you so much? Bless your heart.

Lavinia said...

What a panic. So glad it subsided. I find myself feeling fear over strange lumps and bumps too....

Bush Babe said...

Gads... my heart just stopped too. Am sure it was probably your body reacting to the last bout of chemo... it's been through a lot. A swollen lymph node would be understandable.

Biggest hugs
BB

Blicky Kitty said...

I have heard it takes awhile to find your new normal. It must have felt good to hear that it was just a swollen lymph node.

Blicky Kitty said...

I love your music on here. :)

steviewren said...

Yikes. You scared me Debby. I'm so glad that it was gone today!!!!

Scotty said...

That's understandably scary, Debbie, but it's good news that it turned out to be a false alarm - I guess, without having experienced it, that your lymph nodes might be extra sensitive after chemo, maybe?

Dave said...

I'm sure that your reaction is normal Debbie. I would probably feel the same. - Dave

Caroline said...

I know that feeling well. At the end of 16 rounds of chemo, I had a new tumor. It was benign but I had another lumpectomy 'so they could be sure'. Now every time I think I feel something there is nothing there. But every lump I have had has been found when I thought there was nothing. Its a real roller coaster. I try to live by the two week rule - if I feel something, or ache, or whatever, if I still have it after two weeks or its getting worse, I will call the doctor. Otherwise, I assume it will go away or its all in my head. If not, I would drive myself completely insane. Good luck to you!

Kelly said...

Whew! Glad it didn't turn out to be anything wrong!

I think your reaction was completely normal. Heck, I would have reacted the exact same way and I haven't just gone through what you have!

Pam said...

What is normal, anyway?

I'm glad it was a non-issue, Deb. I would have had the same reaction.

Time, I would imagine, will temper the hair-trigger panic to this ache or that pain or this lump... The further away from the "C" the less heart-in-throat moments.

In your shoes, right now I'd reach for the phone at a hang nail!!

Hal Johnson said...

Whew!

quid said...

A schism of fear.

I've had those rounding a sharp bend in my car when I know I should have replaced the brakes a couple of months ago.

Or when I wake up and realize my son didn't come home, and for just a few seconds, I imagine the worst.

You felt the worst. The schism of fear.

But nothing can harm you. You are safe from harm. I just know it.

quid