Tuesday, January 13, 2009

No Longer Invisible

I've always felt a little bit like I was invisible, as if when I'm out and about, my plain-ness blends into the background, and that I am just another face in the crowd, unnoticed. I was always kind of comfortable in my 'cloak of invisibility'. This round of chemo has been kicking my butt. For the first time, yesterday, I was too tired to fuss with make-up. What does it matter anyway? My eyelashes are pretty much gone at this point, so mascara doesn't do me any good. My skin is so dry that I keep slathering moisturizer on, so no point in trying to apply makeup on top of that. I stared at myself in the mirror, and thought, "To hell with it" and skipped the wig too. I just pulled a hat down over my ears. We went to town, I got my shot, and we stopped at the grocery store. I've had such a craving for tomatoes, and so we stopped to pick them up. I walked into the grocery store too tired to even think about my appearance, just get my tomatoes and the other few things that we needed. Intent on my shopping, I missed it at first. People were staring, and when I met their eyes, they smiled at me, sympathetically. It's official. I look like a sick person, and sick people are apparently not invisible. I was glad to get back to the car.
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I've been thinking about that today while I cleaned the house. I gathered up a pile of get well cards, and put them in the box with the others. I took a few moments to read them. What brave words in the beginning. Talk about kicking this with style and grace. Talk about my spirit and good humor triumphing over cancer. Those words sound so naive now. I still expect to triumph over cancer, but the whole style and grace thing, plllt. That's out the window. So is my humor, mostly. That spirit? Seems kind of flicker-y, like a spluttering candle. What I'm doing now, is enduring. Simply enduring, holding on the best way that I know how. It is not graceful. It is not pretty, but I am enduring.
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Some days, that's all that counts.

13 comments:

Mikey said...

Yep. Just get thru another day. We're always including you in our prayers, and I hope tomorrow is a better day. You're almost there!! You can do this!!

Bush Babe said...

Potatoes, po-tart-oes Deb... GLAMOUR and GRACE are two different things. You may not feel glamourous right now, but (to me at least) your head is still held high.

Hang tight darlin'.
You will endure.
You will remember (looking back down the track) that you endured with as much grace as was possible.
And even when you flicker and splutter, we will be there.
Hugs
BB

A Novel Woman said...

You really do tell it like it is. It's why we're all here, and why we keep coming back.

You're not alone.

"Those who are firm, enduring, simple and unpretentious are the nearest to virtue."

Just keep enduring. One day at a time.

Pam

Scotty said...

Even a sputtering candle can be a source of light and warmth to some.

:-)

steviewren said...

Thank you for being real Debby. And I hope you feel real better soon too. It is okay to just endure. That is what most of us are doing anyway...without the the style and grace too.

Nana Trish is Living the Dream said...

I continue to pray for you. I appreciate your honesty. Enduring is a wonderful thing and will reap rewards.

Cimba7200 said...

Sorry you feel bad Debby. I hope tomorrow is better for you. - Dave

Frogdancer said...

The people staring thing....

...in 2007 I shaved my head to raise $$ for leukaemia research. I loved the way I looked so I kept clippering it (my head) for the rest of the year. Lots of people stared and assumed I was sick. I found it bizarre. I wasn't a sick person. I was just making an individual statement (I guess) on how I wanted to look.

It's the lack of hair... (so unfeminine! OMG!!!!) I've got a strong suspicion that you don't look as bad as you think. It's just the hair. People are so used to 'the normal'.

Women look great with no hair. It's our delicate skull bones. Next time, don't bother wearing the hat, just glory in it. I really miss my shaved head.... I only started growing my hair again after pressure from my dad and my sons. Wear your streamilined style for the both of us!!!

Debby said...

Oh, let me make myself clear. No one was being unkind, not at all. It was just, for the first time, that I stick out like a sore thumb as the saying goes, and it shocked me.

Debby said...

Oh, and the side effects are easing up. This too shall pass.

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Pencil Writer said...

My battered face got some of those "looks" after my Christmas face-plant. Just think: Peach Tree. Early or late, Spring's just around the corner. I read a story of a Viet Nam POW yesterday. I might email it to you. Hugs and kisses.