Thursday, January 1, 2009

I Resolve

Dylan, Cara, and Cara's friends Sarah and Johnna did the Times Square thing for New Year's Eve. They spent a wonderful day in New York City, and got to walk in Central Park after dark, which for some reason, enthralled Cara. They gamboled through the city. Cara's thrilled because after much haggling in Chinatown, she was able to get 'one of the furry Russian hats with the earflaps'. Dylan bought one too. They've got the 2009 big glasses. They were at Rockefeller Center to see the Christmas tree. It was cold, but they were on the move, and kept pretty warm. Towards evening, they headed for Times Square and immediately got caught up in the crowd. They were packed shoulder to shoulder, unable to move. The barricades that you see on TV are not only in the front, but in the back as well. Once inside the pen, they were unable to leave. Unable to move, they got cold quickly. Cara called about 10 o'clock, laughing. "It's freezing". Dylan said, "I'm not having fun here. Not even a little. I have done nothing to warrant taking my freedom away." Cara said that there were suspect puddles everywhere because men could not get to the restrooms. They were 12 blocks away from the 'ball' but would be able to see it drop. I called at 12:30 to make sure that the girls had made their connection to the bus that would bring them back to Clarion University, an 8 hour trip. They had. After the brisk powerwalk, they were warm again. They were again lively and enthusiastic. They all agreed that it had been a memorable day. Something that everyone should do.
Once.
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It strikes me that this is what is missing from my life. It's been a rough month. Chemo really dragged me down this past cycle, just at the time when I most needed my energy to prepare for Christmas. Worries about our economy suddenly became personal with Tim's job loss. I've noticed age spots appearing across the back of my hands. The skin on my face seems thin and fine lined. To add insult to injury, in addition to dealing with the exhaustion from chemo and the bone aches from the daily neupogen shots, I've been thrown into menopause abruptly, so I've begun to have spontaneously combust periodically. Hormone treatment for the hot flashes is not an option. Worst of all, somewhere along the line, this year, I've managed to lose enthusiasm, and excitement, and life has become a grim plodding from one treatment to the next, one day to the next. one nap to the next. When I'm awake, I'm greedily sucking in every detail, not wanting to miss a thing, aware that I don't know what my future holds. I'm not fearful. I'm resolute. But not joyful or enthusiastic. Listening to my children laughing at their big adventure, I am acutely aware that there is a difference between living life and living life. And suddenly, I know what my New Year's resolution is going to be.
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Either that, or I will have to change the name of this blog.

9 comments:

A Novel Woman said...

Yes.
YES!
YES YES YES!!!

I hear you. I really do. I get it, and you're not alone in feeling this. A lot of people, especially women, start reassessing what they want out of life once their kids are grown. Cancer just gave you a kick in the rear end at the same time. (And btw, could you just kick it right back, only harder?)

Don't worry too much about menopause. It hits you broadside for awhile, but then eventually you go back to even keel. So seize the carp! (Had to continue with the sea analogy.) And when that happens, you become powerful and you find your voice, which, for a lot of women, has been lost or at least, set aside while they are mothers and wives and employees and dog care providers and and and ....In the meantime, buy some of those flannel wrapped gel ice packs and put them on your neck to get over the Tropical Moments.

Remember the things we did as children, when we were free and unencumbered by prejudice and fear, those things that made us really happy? Well, why not rediscover them? Ride horses. Paint. Create something - knit a scarf, carve a piece of wood, make a quilt. Play hide and go seek. Rollerskate on the road. Climb a tree. Dance without caring what jiggles. Eat with gusto, whenever and whatever, including chocolate for breakfast. Book tickets to a play. Join a local theatre group and act in a play!

Really, we're only limited by our own thoughts, so let's free our minds and really fly this year.

Happy 2009!

Pam

jeanie said...

Hey there Deb - Happy New Year!!!

Fantastic resolution - every so often I note that life is living me rather than the opposite - it is a balancing act even WITHOUT the amount of balls you were sent to juggle this year.

Portia said...

That is awesome that Dylan and Cara chose to spend the New Year together. Siblings that are also friends are a wonderful thing.

steviewren said...

Yeah, I want to discover more fun and adventure in my life too. I've been thinking what I can do to make life a little more fun-interesting-kind each day.

Bush Babe said...

What Pam said... with cherries on top!
Honestly Deb, if only I was closer, I'd just take you for a drive to help you out with this great resolution. Take photos... and keep doing what you are doing. One foot in front of the other.
Hugs babe
BB

Cimba7200 said...

The young people were having fun. It would be nice to be young again. You are a brave lady Debbie. Our thoughts are with you. - Dave

PaintedPromise said...

and if only i were closer, i could and would help you out with the "ride a horse" thing... i have a VERY GOOD mare who would take VERY GOOD care of you :)

Bush Babe is right... one foot in front of the other. one day at a time. oone hour at a time. sometimes, even, one MINUTE at a time.

the critters of Painted Promise Ranch want to wish you a HEE HAW New Year ;)

Alison said...

Lots of hugs and good vibes from me, Deb.
Fantastic resolution. You are an amazing woman. I know from experience that those moments can go either way. You can resolve to change things or you can resign to the crap things. I'm so very glad you have chosen a positive resolution!!

sexy said...
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