Dylan, Cara, and Cara's friends Sarah and Johnna did the Times Square thing for New Year's Eve. They spent a wonderful day in New York City, and got to walk in Central Park after dark, which for some reason, enthralled Cara. They gamboled through the city. Cara's thrilled because after much haggling in Chinatown, she was able to get 'one of the furry Russian hats with the earflaps'. Dylan bought one too. They've got the 2009 big glasses. They were at Rockefeller Center to see the Christmas tree. It was cold, but they were on the move, and kept pretty warm. Towards evening, they headed for Times Square and immediately got caught up in the crowd. They were packed shoulder to shoulder, unable to move. The barricades that you see on TV are not only in the front, but in the back as well. Once inside the pen, they were unable to leave. Unable to move, they got cold quickly. Cara called about 10 o'clock, laughing. "It's freezing". Dylan said, "I'm not having fun here. Not even a little. I have done nothing to warrant taking my freedom away." Cara said that there were suspect puddles everywhere because men could not get to the restrooms. They were 12 blocks away from the 'ball' but would be able to see it drop. I called at 12:30 to make sure that the girls had made their connection to the bus that would bring them back to Clarion University, an 8 hour trip. They had. After the brisk powerwalk, they were warm again. They were again lively and enthusiastic. They all agreed that it had been a memorable day. Something that everyone should do.
It strikes me that this is what is missing from my life. It's been a rough month. Chemo really dragged me down this past cycle, just at the time when I most needed my energy to prepare for Christmas. Worries about our economy suddenly became personal with Tim's job loss. I've noticed age spots appearing across the back of my hands. The skin on my face seems thin and fine lined. To add insult to injury, in addition to dealing with the exhaustion from chemo and the bone aches from the daily neupogen shots, I've been thrown into menopause abruptly, so I've begun to have spontaneously combust periodically. Hormone treatment for the hot flashes is not an option. Worst of all, somewhere along the line, this year, I've managed to lose enthusiasm, and excitement, and life has become a grim plodding from one treatment to the next, one day to the next. one nap to the next. When I'm awake, I'm greedily sucking in every detail, not wanting to miss a thing, aware that I don't know what my future holds. I'm not fearful. I'm resolute. But not joyful or enthusiastic. Listening to my children laughing at their big adventure, I am acutely aware that there is a difference between living life and living life. And suddenly, I know what my New Year's resolution is going to be.
Either that, or I will have to change the name of this blog.