Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Laughs

My doctor is wonderful. Once, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the x-rays.
Joey Bishop
*****
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
Ronald Reagan
*****
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
*****
If you look like your passport photo, you're too ill to travel.
Will Kommen
*****
Insanity doesn't run in my family. It gallops.
Cary Grant
*****
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
Robert Orben
*****
Misers aren't fun to live with, but they make wonderful ancestors.
David Brenner
*****
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I've finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
Dave Barry
*****
I'm not going to vacuum ‘til Sears makes one you can ride on.
Roseanne Barr
*****
To attract men, I wear a perfume called New Car Interior.
Rita Rudner
*****
If you love something, set it free. Unless it's chocolate.
Never release chocolate.
Renee Duvall
*****
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
Calvin Trillin
*****
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield
*****
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
Rita Rudner
*****
My husband wanted one of those big-screen TV's for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.
Wendy Liebman
*****
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
*****
I have an aunt who married so late in life that Medicare picked up 80 percent of the honeymoon.
Don Reber
*****
I hate housework - you make the beds, you do the dishes - and six months later you have to start all over again.
Joan Rivers
*****
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. Henny Youngman
*****
Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.
Bob Thaves
*****

9 comments:

Mikey said...

Love number three, had to steal number 5. Those are fantastic!!

MuseSwings said...

The Christmas in Bloggyland invitation is on today's post! I'm coming by again to read this post - it looks like a hoot!

Alison said...

One more... If "con" is the opposite of "pro"... Then what is the opposite of progress?

Hang in there Deb :-)

Portia said...

Thanks for the laughs. My teenage boys say that they should make a bacon scented perfume for girls, then they would get all of the boys.

Keep that great sense of humor.

jeanie said...

That is gorgeous - I have used the Douglas Adams one before (and I will use it again).

My favourite: I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train. Oscar Wilde

Sort of like your blog, Deb.

Scotty said...

Loved 'em, especially the housework one - I can relate to that. :-)

Bush Babe said...

Ahh... fabulous! I'm with Bob (last one)...

Is Rita Rudner big over there? She tickles me!!!
:-)
BB

Nana Trish is Living the Dream said...

This is an adorable funny post!

Anonymous said...

Loved them all Deb. I will 'borrow' a few too please to share. I laughed all the way through. Keep up the good stuff! Love and hugs Barb